Archive for rambling


One of lines from The Marriage of Heaven and Hell has been on my mind as of late:

Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained;
and the restrainer or reason usurps its place & governs the unwilling.
And being restrain’d it by degrees becomes passive till it is only the shadow of desire.

The crux of my problem is I can’t stop believing real systemic change is possible. Our political and economic systems are clearly not working well. Who even understands what sort of developmental effects the Internet is going to have on children who grow up with all the information in the world at their fingertips.

A change is going to happen. What I am trying to figure out is what I can do to help. Charging off and trying to do everything myself was a good plot for a book, but it isn’t how the world actually works.

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A Friendly Death

I’ve been cleaning up the mess that I’ve made of my websites trying to figure out how to market a business. I registered a half dozen domain names in the last year including a couple good ones I’m letting lapse. One of the ones I’m keeping is

It’s for a combination grocery store / communal kitchen / restaurant idea that I have. You get your reservation in the morning and then you collaborate with other people in your timeslot, table, dish to share and way to get it prepared — either by contracting a chef or, if someone in your party is cleared to work in the kitchen, cooking it yourself.

Another part of the idea is that kitchen staff can either buy supplies for meals from the grocery store attached to the kitchen (making them cheap) or if there is a partial item in the kitchen’s food stores they can buy part of an item prorated from another chef (wasting less food).

I like the idea because it would significantly increase the probability I could get some well cooked thiebou diene for cheap if I open the restaurant on H Street in DC which is in serious need of a good grocery store and cheap nutritious food.

Fish and Rice

Anyhow, as I was deleting the old blog, I discovered I made only a single entry in it exactly one year ago today: 7 October 2008. I can see even in this post the beginnings of slowly screwing up my courage to try to throw my life into a new track.

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A Storm

I’ve been thinking about repurposing this site somewhat. I haven’t been in the mood to write about my personal life for a bit because I feel pretty isolated from the world. I used to really enjoy delving into myself and trying to find some personal truth to express, but increasingly I can’t seem to do that knowing that anyone else will read it without feeling my awareness of their perception slowly shifting my words to something to be consumed.

I just need to ramble for a bit…

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World: 1, Will: 0

I’m going to write for 15 minutes and post this. I keep starting over and over trying to write and something about sitting down in front of the keyboard just drains the words out of me. I open my mouth to scream and not so much as a whisper makes it out.

I think part of the problem is I’m afraid to tell the truth. Afraid to admit that I’ve set out to do something and failed.

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A Matter of Perspective

The revolution continues apace.

I’m working on a coding project I’m hoping to get wrapped up by the 24th.

In the interim, I’ve picked back up The Impossible Will Take A Little While. I’m trying to find the balance to stay entertained while designing (which I love) and coding (which I don’t love so much).

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Censoring For The Dumb

I’ve been spending the day catching up on my TV. I’ve been surprised on what gets by the censors these days. Apparently comedy can be as adult as it wants so long as it is hard to catch.

On 30 Rock, Tracy Jordan is training for his moon mission, when he says, “Computer, when do I get some tang? Also, I’m thirsty. Ha! Wordplay.”

Honestly, if they hadn’t had him point it out as wordplay, I would have missed it.

American Dad went a different route and just said something with lots of slang very quickly. As Steve’s plan to ruin a Bar Mitzvah goes awry, Roger says, “And what Steve won’t know is that I have my own plan. While everyone’s focused on Snot, I’ll be headed to the bathroom to share a doobie with the bus boy in return for an angry handy-j.”

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Hell Is Accidental

There’s only one simple answer: to be true. How to do that though? How can I be true when truth is something that has to be both given and received? It’s nice when the truth can be packaged up into something pretty and nice for everyone, but what about when the truth is simply that mistakes have been made and there are likely no easy solutions?

I want for the world to be a fair place, but it’s not and I don’t know what to do when the truth as I understand it is that chance has conspired to make someone’s life unpleasant. Is it right for me to point that out if I have no interest in doing anything about it?

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Today we (knowingly) inaugurated our first black President.

Knowing this leaves me feeling good about the world.

Not that I think Obama fixes racism.

He’s one more milestone along a long road toward healing the moral atrocity that was slavery.

Though, I’ll admit a quiet hope that we are approaching a tipping point.

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Running Ragged

Sometimes I just feel mildly irritated about something and I just ramble for a bit to try to figure out what’s going on. This is a ramble.

I’ve been doing a bad job at maintaining anything resembling balance in my life as of late.

I blame my job. Realistically, I suppose I should blame myself since I’m the one in charge of balancing my life.

It really doesn’t feel like my brain is backing me 100% though. I’ll have it all worked out in my head that I’m supposed to go do my job and it just makes me feel tired, irritable and distracted.

I don’t think my natural disposition is to work more than 30 hours a week or so. I like to read and exercise and eat and play on the internet and watch movies and lots of other stuff.

I think I’m still hitting up on that existential sort of question: “when have I done enough?”

I am constantly brimming with ideas on how to change the world, but I can’t seem to escape from it.

God’s honest truth, I developed a bit of a messianic complex during high school.

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almost journal


For some reason, I think it was last weekend working all night, my biological clock is now skewed about 5 hours. I am not tired until around 2:00, but anyway…

I’ve haven’t been sending things as of late. I’ve been doing stuff, right now I feel that the time that I have to write is better spent writing down the new stuff rather that typing the old. When we both have some time I have some journals that I think are interesting. One that I wrote at four o’clock AM last weekend about sex and desire and stuff is kinda cool. I went to sleep at my post for about half an hour and when I woke up it didn’t feel like it was all the way.

I don’t like all of the models in my head. They keep coming up and they are adding an air of unreality to my experiences. “Oh, this must be an Existential crisis, interesting.” It doesn’t do much, but it is like a rope at the side of a pit that I want to go into, but my hand is holding onto it and it just won’t let go. If I had the capacity for many emotions right now I might even be getting pissed at myself.

I really was in a (looking back) cool foul mood for like the last three days. But I went to the lounge today and got cheered up, well some. I can laugh and smile, but when I realize that I am it stops. There are very few things (actually none come to mind right now) that I find funny right now. In class, I just kinda suspended thought about the meaninglessness of everything for a while, it’s interesting how people can control themselves. I was sad and I knew that I was sad, but I was happy on top of that. And the happiness was not an “act” as such, at least not more than usual. Strange, maybe.

I think that I was asked a long time ago about when the half Gods go, the Gods arrive…, I have used it several times in letters about not placing conditions on God, and attempting to release expectations. I have tried to explain the values that I see in atheism to my friends. I am an evangelical atheist, except I am not a very good atheist. I just cannot deal with the possible meaninglessness of my existence. But I’m getting there, I can’t think of anything immortal.

I thought about rebelling against my work, because if it doesn’t really matter, then why bother, but I realized that I don’t do enough to really throw anything off. I’m already irresponsible 🙂

I tried cursing at God, but even that didn’t cheer me up.

Well, I’m going to bed. I got Pearson’s book today, I like that bookstore lots of cool books, though I have plenty, but sometimes my eyes are bigger than my head *ouch* 🙂 I plan to finish it by Saturday and be at the discussion.

Though I dislike the word “bounce” because it gives that same feel of an unreal game-like tone to experience, it does seem to fit doesn’t it?


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