For some reason, I think it was last weekend working all night, my biological clock is now skewed about 5 hours. I am not tired until around 2:00, but anyway…
I’ve haven’t been sending things as of late. I’ve been doing stuff, right now I feel that the time that I have to write is better spent writing down the new stuff rather that typing the old. When we both have some time I have some journals that I think are interesting. One that I wrote at four o’clock AM last weekend about sex and desire and stuff is kinda cool. I went to sleep at my post for about half an hour and when I woke up it didn’t feel like it was all the way.
I don’t like all of the models in my head. They keep coming up and they are adding an air of unreality to my experiences. “Oh, this must be an Existential crisis, interesting.” It doesn’t do much, but it is like a rope at the side of a pit that I want to go into, but my hand is holding onto it and it just won’t let go. If I had the capacity for many emotions right now I might even be getting pissed at myself.
I really was in a (looking back) cool foul mood for like the last three days. But I went to the lounge today and got cheered up, well some. I can laugh and smile, but when I realize that I am it stops. There are very few things (actually none come to mind right now) that I find funny right now. In class, I just kinda suspended thought about the meaninglessness of everything for a while, it’s interesting how people can control themselves. I was sad and I knew that I was sad, but I was happy on top of that. And the happiness was not an “act” as such, at least not more than usual. Strange, maybe.
I think that I was asked a long time ago about
when the half Gods go, the Gods arrive…, I have used it several times in letters about not placing conditions on God, and attempting to release expectations. I have tried to explain the values that I see in atheism to my friends. I am an evangelical atheist, except I am not a very good atheist. I just cannot deal with the possible meaninglessness of my existence. But I’m getting there, I can’t think of anything immortal.
I thought about rebelling against my work, because if it doesn’t really matter, then why bother, but I realized that I don’t do enough to really throw anything off. I’m already irresponsible 🙂
I tried cursing at God, but even that didn’t cheer me up.
Well, I’m going to bed. I got Pearson’s book today, I like that bookstore lots of cool books, though I have plenty, but sometimes my eyes are bigger than my head *ouch* 🙂 I plan to finish it by Saturday and be at the discussion.
Though I dislike the word “bounce” because it gives that same feel of an unreal game-like tone to experience, it does seem to fit doesn’t it?