Six Months

I have a call with my adviser on Friday. I’ve been working for the last week trying to sort through the last six months and figure out what I was dreaming of and where to go from here. I recognize that one of my most fundamental mistakes was to go it alone.

dream

I think the base issue began over a year ago. It was the end of my summer at Sun, I was recently engaged and there was a food crisis in Mauritania. The summer of luxury and respect left me feeling secure in my ability to take care of the future. Secure enough that I began to question what I wanted for my life to accomplish.

The way that I started this process of was writing about one of my friends who had been working to start a business for the last several years. I tried to separate out why he had failed to meet his goals and, in retrospect, I also see that I was trying to bolster my own confidence to head out into the world and try my own hand at creating something.

This was someone who had been friends with me for years and it never even occurred to me that our relationship could end, but it did. He was very angry with me and I was never able to understand exactly why. I has this blind faith that if we both just kept coming back to the table that eventually we would somehow reconcile things.

I’ve tried to repeatedly to figure out just how I could be so naive, and I think it was simply this had never happened before. The only other people who were as close to me as this friend were my brothers. Not understanding that he saw our relationship as something that could end, I unintentionally drove him away.

So, in March when I began the process of trying to start a business I did so alone. Looking back, the main problems I have had were just the sorts of things that he always accused me of — too much planning, not enough coding — being an “architecture astronaut.” I went further and further into the possibilities imagining that if I could get a clear enough picture of where I wanted to go that I would find a shortcut between here and there.

Going to Burning Man and talking to the futurists and not being understood pulled that one key matchstick out of my matchstick bridge. Ever since I’ve been picking up pieces and trying to fit them together into something coherent, but I can’t see the whole of it anymore. The most frustrating part is I can’t tell I just can’t see it now, or if it was just an illusion all along.

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