Me and McK

It all seems so surreal right now. I’ve been going along with my daily routine. Walking to work, cursing computers, eating lunch… It all seems so normal, but underneath it all I know something important and fundamental has changed.

It’s over. We’re done.

I’m sad.

I accept this. I think that it is the right thing to happen. It doesn’t change that I will be losing someone I’ve come to love over the course of the last year.

I really want to write down what went wrong because I can already see myself looking back and not understanding why things ended. I want to remember why I thought this was a good idea so that I don’t look back and wonder if I was simply dumb.

The problem is that our lives had two distinctly separate components. There were the times that I went over to her house and we talked and watched Lost and all those sorts of things that lovers do. Those times were great. We were candid and playful and compatible in a variety of ways. She taught me to value intelligence in a girlfriend in a way that I hadn’t before.

Then there were the three or four nights a week I was out with my friends: going to bars, playing pool, partying and whatnot. She doesn’t go out as much as I do. Part of it is an ongoing battle with IBS and part is simply a difference in personality. When I do go out, it is frequently to house parties and bars where the point is, in large part, drinking, which she doesn’t do. I don’t really fault her that lifestyle, and it has helped me get pretty comfortable dancing by myself, but it is an issue of time.

I would end up trying to balance job and friends and relaxation and relationship, and simply never had enough. I left her feeling neglected, and particularly on special occasions as though I hadn’t done enough to make her feel cared for. On my end, I always had too much to do and even though I was passing on invitations to spend time with her, I always felt like I was disappointing her.

I think couples having different sets of friends is a great thing. I don’t want my life to be consumed by someone else’s or have them as an addition to my own. In the last week though I’ve been to five different events and hung out with probably 30-40 people I knew reasonably well. The number of them that had met McK: probably ten. The number that have seen her in the four dozen times I have been out last two months: maybe one. Lives can be too separate as well.

She said something as we were talking last night that really struck home with me. She said she wishes she had some time to date other people to know whether or not she is taking me for granted. I feel pretty much exactly the same. What we have is really good when we’re together. It is all the logistical niceties of making time and planning events where things fell apart.

She said that maybe once I start grad school my activities won’t be quite so “young” and we’ll run into each other and things might work out better. Maybe she’s right…

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