Archive for March, 2007

Blessed

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.

Luke 12:22-29

I was just sprinting to the office and this verse came to mind. I’m panicking because I went home to check on Chris’s dogs while he’s in Pittsburgh, and I completely forgot that I am supposed to be meeting the electronics recyclers at 12. At the same time under the “oh my God, I’m gonna get fired” there’s a part of me that’s asking, “what’s the last thing that didn’t work out for you?”

I really do feel lucky. I talk about it sometimes how I moved back to the States and I got a job and a girlfriend without really doing anything. I’ve got cool friends and interesting things to do all the time. In many ways I find it unsettling because I feel like I’m sitting on a fortune I didn’t earn. The idea of moving to a new town is intimidating. I recognize the role that chance has played in my life. It is a large part of why I still sometimes give a homeless guy a few bucks because I never really lose that sense of there but for the grace of God go I.

I read an article about luck one time that was interesting. They took people and gave them a survey where they ranked how lucky they are. Then in a supposedly unrelated activity, they gave them a newspaper and asked them to count the pictures in a timed trial. A couple pages in, there’s a picture of someone holding a sign that says, “there are 31 pictures in this newspaper.” A little while later there’s a larger one that says, “the experiment is over, there are 31 pictures.” Finally there’s a half-page ad that says, “we will give you 25£ if you stop counting now.”

What they found is that generally the luckier a person was, the more likely they were to notice these hints. Some of the unluckiest people made it all the way to the end without seeing any of them. The idea is that luck isn’t something magical, it is simply that some people get into a single track of thought and will miss potentially better opportunities. Luckier people might simply be paying closer attention.

Sure enough when I get to the office an hour late after my boss called me from home, the recycling guys were given the wrong address and have been wandering around northwest for half an hour trying to find this place. They had called my phone not four minutes before I got back to the office. Had David not called though to check up on me, I’d not have run and I’d not have met them.

I certainly think I’m open to new potentials. Not so much in an observant sort of way, but moreso in a short attention span sort of way. That doesn’t really explain all the synchronicity. I still like to think God’s watching out for me and not being petty about such trivialities as my belief in Him.

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Feisty Fawn

As I was working on learning MySpace, I did a bit of Googlebaiting and found out that a little bit of python I wrote a while back is in Ubuntu. That’s pretty cool.

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Babel

Things topping a list of activities not to do when going through an emotionally trying period: watch Babel.

It is literally the first time that I have stopped watching a movie because it made me so sad I wanted to go stick my head in the oven.

And the problem is it wasn’t really sad, it was desolate. Usually I like the movies that draw several small stories together spread out across a wider tableau. It gives me a sense of the variety of life and how there are connections all around that you never know about.

Babel was leaving me with a sense of the arbitrality of the world and how it is huge and doesn’t care a whit for my insignificant little life. I felt not like one dancing little spark in an amazing pattern, but like a grain of corn to be ground into nothing by the unthinking stony weight of the world.

I’m trying to take solace in that and see that however bad I feel it will eventually pass away, but Babel was cutting at the underlying belief that whatever it changes to will be better than now. Not all of the stories were sad, but I felt myself waiting for the other shoe to drop in the one that wasn’t and I just couldn’t stand to see it happen.

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Me and McK

It all seems so surreal right now. I’ve been going along with my daily routine. Walking to work, cursing computers, eating lunch… It all seems so normal, but underneath it all I know something important and fundamental has changed.

It’s over. We’re done.

I’m sad.

I accept this. I think that it is the right thing to happen. It doesn’t change that I will be losing someone I’ve come to love over the course of the last year.

I really want to write down what went wrong because I can already see myself looking back and not understanding why things ended. I want to remember why I thought this was a good idea so that I don’t look back and wonder if I was simply dumb.

The problem is that our lives had two distinctly separate components. There were the times that I went over to her house and we talked and watched Lost and all those sorts of things that lovers do. Those times were great. We were candid and playful and compatible in a variety of ways. She taught me to value intelligence in a girlfriend in a way that I hadn’t before.

Then there were the three or four nights a week I was out with my friends: going to bars, playing pool, partying and whatnot. She doesn’t go out as much as I do. Part of it is an ongoing battle with IBS and part is simply a difference in personality. When I do go out, it is frequently to house parties and bars where the point is, in large part, drinking, which she doesn’t do. I don’t really fault her that lifestyle, and it has helped me get pretty comfortable dancing by myself, but it is an issue of time.

I would end up trying to balance job and friends and relaxation and relationship, and simply never had enough. I left her feeling neglected, and particularly on special occasions as though I hadn’t done enough to make her feel cared for. On my end, I always had too much to do and even though I was passing on invitations to spend time with her, I always felt like I was disappointing her.

I think couples having different sets of friends is a great thing. I don’t want my life to be consumed by someone else’s or have them as an addition to my own. In the last week though I’ve been to five different events and hung out with probably 30-40 people I knew reasonably well. The number of them that had met McK: probably ten. The number that have seen her in the four dozen times I have been out last two months: maybe one. Lives can be too separate as well.

She said something as we were talking last night that really struck home with me. She said she wishes she had some time to date other people to know whether or not she is taking me for granted. I feel pretty much exactly the same. What we have is really good when we’re together. It is all the logistical niceties of making time and planning events where things fell apart.

She said that maybe once I start grad school my activities won’t be quite so “young” and we’ll run into each other and things might work out better. Maybe she’s right…

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