Grumbleâ€¦ Every single thing in my life sucks. Well, I’m not sick right now. If I get hit by a car walking home from work today then that will pretty much top off my list of things that matter to me that aren’t going well.
As I mentioned, at COS conference I felt really bad because my friends mistreated me when I was drunk. Worse though was the bit with the girl. I’ve never actually had a girl turn me down before. Not that I am that sexy, just that I don’t ever breach the subject. I’d not have done it with this girl; it was done by a friend. I know full well that I’m a big dork and I’m largely cool with it other than worrying girls won’t be interested in me. Having a girl I liked straight up tell me she didn’t find me attractive stung a bit.
Work is also complete shit right now. The university locked me out of my lab without any warning. More importantly they locked all the stuff I was working on in the lab, so not only could I not work for them, I couldn’t work on any of my other projects either. It is really damned frustrating to have all these different people calling me asking for my status and all I can say is, “sorry, all my work is locked up right now.” I’ve been coming to the uni, but most of the administration is out on vacation including the one guy who can authorize freeing my stuff from the lab.
So, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. Yesterday I was in bed for probably twenty of twenty-four hours. I just lay around and slept and read. There are days this is a fun comfy sort of activity. Yesterday was more of a depressed can’t bear to face the world sort of thing.
Today I get this email from my mom about her proposed trip to some out and see me in June:
Matt and I talked last night about our trip. We were thinking perhaps a trip to places other than Mauritania might be more fun. We want to have real fun on this trip and Mauritania just does not seem that enticing. We will be on a plane forever and I don’t think Mauritania is really worth the effort.
This is in response to my message which said:
Noooo! Please come. I was actually thinking about it today as I was walking to work. There is absolutely no way I can describe to you all what it is like being here. I want so badly for you to know what this is like. I already feel depressed thinking about coming home and that I’ll not be able to talk to anyone about this place that has so dramatically altered me. I’m not expecting it to get to you like it has me in two years, but it would really mean a lot if you would come.
Do I have unrealistic expectations as a son that me being here and telling her that it would mean a lot to me if she would come ought to at least count for a bit? I’m not going to try and sell Mauritania as the most fascinating place ever, but I really do like it and I really think that it would be a neat trip. Do I not make it sound like it would be at least mildly interesting to come see me here? Goddammit.
Oh well, I’m not going to beg her because I think if she is coming here with really high expectations for really exciting stuff, she is likely to be disappointed. This is desert life. It is fascinating culturally and aesthetically, but it isn’t the Wild Africa ride at Disneyland. I can’t promise her that kind experience. I just wish that someone from home had gotten to see this place with me before I left.
I’m such a weenie anymore. Things just keep hurting my feelings. I remember long ago wishing to be more emotional and I seem to have gotten some of that. The only real repercussion is I spend lots of time sullen and injured. Oh well, so it goes.