Des Expériences de Pic

I am most frequently a computer geek, but unfortunately my geekery is not bounded there. Developmental psychology and analyzing the fuck out of things is also a habit of mine. I try and keep it contained, but sometimes after big events, like this last week, I just get me too worked up and it comes busting out.

I’m sorry. I try and be cool and disaffected. I’ve just got a thinking problem. I’m stepping up my already heavy regiment of intoxicants in hope of taking care of it. There’s still a few persnickety brain cells holding out, so until I finish them off, just ignore these lapses.

In the humanistic psychology of Abraham Maslow, there is the concept of peak experiences. He used the term in conjunction with psychotherapy and mystical experiences, but I think it has more general applicability.

The basic idea is that you have mental habits that are developed over the course of your life. Everything we do, we do for a reason, but sometimes stuff hangs around after its usefulness. Ask the adult children of alcoholics about the challenges of trusting again after being betrayed so deeply. Many such people will remain guarded for the rest of their lives even when they’re with people they’d be happier with trusting.

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.

-Samuel Johnson

Changing habits of mind is not really a difficult process. You just watch for what you feel uncomfortable doing, figure out why you’re uncomfortable and then decide if it is something you want to change.

This sort of concerted effort at growth is not everyone’s cup of tea. Most people are cool enough on their own to not feel a real need to play games with their head. It is something I do, but the habit was borne out of necessity as much as anything. I was so painfully introverted and depressed when I got out of high school that I had to choose between killing myself or trying to get over it. I figured I could always fall back on suicide, so gave changing a chance.

Anyhow, when someone does something that flies in the face of an existing habit it provides concrete evidence whether or not their way of acting was realistic. If things work out well then it generally leaves someone feeling freer and less burdened. Think The Grinch; the little Whos are shitty to him and he gets jaded and mean and moves into his cave on the mountain. He doesn’t doesn’t think he’s cool enough to hang out with them and so steals Christmas out of spite. Then Little Cindy Lou Who shows him that he doesn’t have to be so defensive and his heart grew three sizes that day.

In the last week I’ve had two pretty solidly affirming experiences. One was spending a lot of time hanging out with a really cute and interesting girl at WAIST, and the other was walking into ISET and asking them to finance my computer repair trip around the South. These were two things that put me up for rejection and none was forthcoming. I’ve been peaking a bit off of that for the last few days. Just generally feeling happy and positive. (Having my brain well sopped in oxytocin doesn’t hurt either.)

The dangers in peaks though is that because it is unmapped territory psychologically, one can overshoot. I could go around thinking myself a studmuffin or a übergeek and that I’ve somehow just not noticed in the last 26 years. A bit of ego inflation is fair I figure since I’ve never really had someone who knew nothing of my personality kiss me. I’ve also never gone in and just asked for money from someone. Having these things work out for me is leaving me to rethink how I’m perceived.

I feel like I’m keeping it fairly realistic. I know I’m no sex god and though I am a minor god in the realm of computers, my near complete inability to manage my time does a lot to mediate the marketability of those powers. Under consideration though is the possibility that I might sometimes border on cute. I figure I’ll head to the gym and put in some time just in case. ☺