Guess who won’t be having a kid in nine months? That’s right. Me. After a hair pulling five days, we are out of the woods. Thanks be to God.
Archive for December, 2004
Four days with no news. This is bad bad stuff.
Dara Evans: 2004/12/19 23:00: Fuck, what do we do if this is real? Can I heandle this? What will my family say? & my friends? All I can do is sit here & pray its a false alarm.
My response was simply that the opinions of other people are the least of our worries. Getting jobs, becoming adults, the end of the dreams of youth are what are scaring the hell out of me. If other people don’t like it, fuck them and the horse they rode in on.
Into every life it seems like a little drama will fall. I got my fill last night with the ending of mine and Dara’s brief relationship.
We first met toward the beginning of September when she was in town on medical hold. We went out walking and chatted and whatnot. We had fun together and I found her spirituality especially interesting. Empathy is a really big part of how I operate and she seemed to have a solid feel for the humanity of the people around her. I was off to Mali for much of September and while I was there I thought about the time I spent with her. I was in the company of another girl who was
interesting to me, but who was proving fairly emotionally unavailable. I was comparing the idea of dating her with the idea of dating Dara and liking Dara more.
Once I got back in Mauritania we started communicating via text messaging. Mostly just silly and sweet things, but a rapport developed through it. For Halloween I went down to KaÃ©di and we began and consummated a serious relationship then. It was romantic and entertaining. I had some reservations about the differences in our ages (I’m more than two years older than her) and romantic experience, but things looked doable.
The month and a half since have seen lots of text messages, but only two actual physical meetings. Once when I went down to KaÃ©di again and then this weekend when she came in to see me.
Our time in KaÃ©di had strengthened my reservations, but I know that starting out in a relationship can be rough. I figured I’d give it one more go with a clean slate.
Things did go somewhat better. For me there are two major parts to a relationship: comfort and passion. Comfort is the ability to go out shopping, cook a meal, and snuggle up under a cover to watch a movie together. It encompasses a basic trust and understanding of the other person’s personality. Passion is the ability to, after the movie, head off to the bedroom and fuck until neither of you can see straight. It encompasses a similarity in arousal and sensuality.
Dara and I were doing well on the sweet comfort sorts of things. We hung out and talked and whatnot. So far as the passion though, I was having some problems. Not that it wasn’t entertaining, but I just didn’t feel right doing it. I knew that it was important to Dara to not just think of herself as fucking around. She wants a long term relationship and I think especially in a sexual relationship it is important.
It is a very mature way to be. There’s always a real risk of pregnancy and especially if you are firmly against abortion, as she is, you are playing with fire. It is not where I am at though. I’ve got ten months left here and I’m off for God-only-knows-where. I don’t really want to spend those next ten months alone, I’m not looking for anything too serious.
It was fully my intention for us to break up when I left. I didn’t feel good being physical with her because I knew that she wouldn’t consent if she knew this wasn’t a long term thing.
I certainly spent a lot of time thinking about whether it was something I ought to worry about at this point. Perhaps I should just leave it til the end. From what I understand of her and what I understand of myself though, this would have just been a lie. I’m eccentric and arrogant. She’s kind and stable. In the long term, I think she’d think me erratic and moody and I’d find her confining. I trust my intuition generally, and I am pretty much certain this was not a relationship for the long term.
So, I dealt with it maturely and decisively. Kinda.
And by “kinda,” I mean “crappily.” I got quieter and quieter and less and less affectionate. I was spending a lot of time thinking to myself and hedging around the issue with questions. I still kept wondering if maybe it was something that would resolve itself and if I was being to dramatic.
I was thinking about the long term and how reasonable it was to project about it. In that line of thought, these were the questions:
|What do you seek with your life?||
|What do you want from a relationship?||
|What do you look for in a significant other?||
Finally on the night before she was going to leave, I decided to leave it up to her. It was the right thing to do even though I was pretty sure how things would go down and I definitely didn’t want to say what I knew would be something unpleasant to hear. It was dishonest not to tell her though and I couldn’t not. Keeping the secret was leaving me pensive and moody and generally a bad boyfriend.
So, I told her and she packed up and left. I admired her for doing what was the right thing for her self-respect even though it was painful for the both of us. It was a surreal experience because it was all in silence. She got up, got ready, packed her stuff and I walked her out. From her getting up to her walking out the door, the last fifteen minutes she was in my house, not a word was said. I just didn’t know what to say. There was nothing to be said other than “I’m sorry” and even that felt too trite.
After she left, I called Molly who was staying at the Arc en Ciel where I assumed Dara would go. I wanted to wake her up (since it was about 1am) and also to let her know to be ready to be supportive. Disturbingly, I got a message from her about a half hour later that Dara had never arrived and that she wasn’t answering calls.
Dara and I hadn’t said anything at all as she was leaving, let alone where she was going. I assumed she was headed to the hotel since there really aren’t that many options. Nouakchott isn’t a really dangerous city and we’ve probably got a lower crime rate than any city of a comparable size in the States. Crime does exist though and we have had volunteers assaulted here before.
I tried sending Dara some text messages and got no response. I went out and walked around the restaurants near my house to see if perhaps she had decided to grab a bite to eat (though it had been nearly an hour since she left at this point). Finding that she wasn’t there I widened my search and eventually rode over to the Peace Corps bureau to see if she had ended up there. Thankfully, she was signed into the log and so I headed home.
Along the way, I started getting text messages forwarded to me that I had sent to her over the course of our relationshipâ€¦
On my plans for Halloween:
GRE is the 23rd. The plan is take the test, run to Senegal for booze, catch the shuttle down, get drunk w Mark, make out w you, dance my ass off & watch porn.
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is.” -Einstein
On a day in the life:
Been fixin’ computers. Am still a little ill, but improving. You have no idea how much I’d prefer to be lying in bed w you than dealing w these damned computers
On her education in degradation:
It has begun. 🙂 Oh, the places we will go…
From an evening out:
When I send messages highlighting our separation, does it make you sad? The focus does me a bit, but I’m drunk, so it ain’t that bad. Wish you were here.
I knew she wasn’t dead at this point and I’m assuming she was highlighting the abruptness of our transition. All of these messages though were for more than three weeks in advance. If anything, they were to me a statement as to how my behavior had been changing. I like the guy who sent those messages; he was present and involved. He wasn’t being dramatic or worrying with guilt. Unfortunately, that guy wasn’t who I was being and that was the problem.
You scored as Chaotic Good. A Chaotic Good person is someone who has little intrinsic respect for laws or authority, seeing them as insufficient to sustain what’s right. These people work according to their own moral compass which, while good, is not necessarily always aligned with that of society. Despite their chaotic tendencies, these people are good at heart.
Oh my, oh my… I am sitting here up to my eyeballs in jelly beans. There’s a warm happy feeling in my heart and a big smile on my face. Why? Because my Aunt Sharon, to quote myself as I was emptying her most recent care package, “fuckin’ rocks!”
It is late and I am headed to bed, but I just wanted everyone to know what I very special Auntie I am so very lucky to have in my life. Not that you can buy my affections or anything… Hell, who am I kidding? I’m all yours Sharon, forget the rest of them. They left me to wither in the desert with nary a jelly bean, but not you. You rock.
I’m in the process of getting all my stuff put away having been evicted about a week ago. I got about a week and a half notice in a town where the average time it takes to find a house is measured in months. Fortunately, I had a friend who was kind enough to put me up and not charge me too much.
I only own two things: clothes and books. Actually I don’t even really own the books, I’m just borrowing them from the Peace Corps libraries. Anyhow, I’ve been sorting through the piles of books that have been collecting as I read. A while back, Molly sent me a lovely collection of books that I’ve been working though for the last couple months: