Spent today wandering around the food market searching for food items one might eat in Mexico. I managed to find some peppers and beans. I got some random French cheese that tastes sort of like swiss. I think it will work well on top of the refried beans I am going to make. Carl is of the opinion he can produce tortillas from scratch. We’ll see how that comes out.
I’ve started in with sitting meditation again. I think that Steph and I breaking up hit her hard and fast. She understood the loss and the pain pretty quickly. It is in my life and affecting me, but I have to sit and be quiet to really start to understand it. I am not as connected to the experience of my emotional life as she is, but that is hardly news.
I feel a little odd talking about this pain because I know that my general life philosophy differs a bit from some of the people I am talking to. The most important thing to me is fullness of experience. The sense for me is like looking at paintings.
Picasso did a piece called The Old Guitarist. I got to see it in Chicago one time. The painting has a definite blue teint to it. Not only in the clothes of the man and the paint on the walls, but the air seems tinged with blue. The sense of sadness and depression is very poignant in the painting and it is beautiful because it expresses this element of life so well.
At the same time the ability to understand the despair comes only from the ability to stand outside of it. If everything I saw every day had the blue tinge to it then the old guitarist wouldn’t be anything special. It is only coming from a world with more colors that seeing the guitarist in blue meaning.
I want to have a set of rich colors from which to work on my life. Right now I think I am working on my blues; deepening and richening them. Some time later I will get to work on my yellows or my greens; inshallah. I can’t cut out a color without limiting my ability to paint properly.
The metaphor used for the sort of meditation I do is a chair sitting in a room with two doors. Feelings and thoughts come in through one door and leave through the other. My job is to sit in the chair. I accept the things coming in from the one door and allow them to leave when it is time. Right now I think that I try and close the door coming in because I fear losing control to my feelings. My goal is to go and sit down and let go of trying to pretend being in control. At the same time not to get attached to my suffering and follow it out the other door because I think that it will make me a deeper person.
Balance. Always about balance…
So anyhow I think I am still headed down rather than up, but I am alright with that because it feels natural. It was four and a half years. If I just forgot about something that was such an important part of my life it would be pathological I think.