I used to be pretty good at the whole introspection personal development growth enlightenment sort of thing. I feel like I’ve lost my edge in the last couple years. Went off into town to try and become a businessman, in so much as programming is my business. Unfortunately I couldn’t fast, wasn’t especially good at waiting and my thinking seemed to bring more problems than it solved.
I think part of the reason that I’ve been sort of leveling off is my drive is gone. When I got to college I was a pretty sad kid. I didn’t like myself and didn’t see any good reason for other people to like me. The thought of just being happy once in a while was enough of a carrot to get me moving. And besides it at least made me feel like I was doing something which makes shitty circumstances more bearable in general.
Now, I’ve lost alot of that fuel. I’m not necessarily actively happy all the time, but I’m generally content. I could certainly live like this for the rest of my life and other than it being a bit boring I’d say it wasn’t a bad run.
When I was in Huntsville. (Fowler talks about creating the myth of our lives. Huntsville, if you haven’t noticed, is a particularly mythic bit for me.) Anyhow, I did the whole meditation and seeking challenging experiences and growth bit in Huntsville and after a bit I started to really like the way things were going. Not just the sort of defacto not disliking that I’ve got going on now, but to really be entertained by pretty much everything that was going on. (I ended it by nearly working myself to death and fighting with Steph alot, but that’s a different myth.)
Since I am here though and have newfound copious spare time, I figured maybe I’d start easing back into some of the patterns that I was holding then. Just little stuff like waiting until I’m really hungry to eat and exercising regularly. Little stuff to pay attention since paying close attention to the experience of life seems to make it better for some reason. I guess it just keeps me from glossing over so many of the details.
So Jay had some random growth oriented book and I borrowed it. Not really looking for any deep insights, but just wanting to sort of have something to focus me on that sort of work. The title is The Four Agreements and I agree with Jay’s characterization of “nothing really new, but not a bad summary of good stuff to remember.”
One bit I did like is that he uses the metaphor that we are dreaming. That’s common enough, but rather than taking about “waking up” he talks about changing the dream. I liked the expression of the idea that we can’t stop playing the game. We can see it and we can choose to respond to it in different ways, but there are certain aspects of living life that we can’t change.
The book reminds me a big of Casteneda, but without the supernatural bit. I suppose that’s alright. I always liked to dream of having magic powers when I’d read Casteneda. It is probably best that I don’t have magic powers.
There is a rooster who lives somewhere near my house. On TV you see the rooster waking up and giving a hearty cock-a-doodle-doo “Good Morning Mr. Sun” to the sun crests the horizon. Real roosters aren’t like that. They start calling to Mr. Sun a good hour before he arrives and continue for a good hour after he is shining brightly. They manage somehow to keep the same fervor the entire time.
I say that it is good that I don’t have magic powers because I’m pretty sure that one of the first things I’d do with them is reach out and choke the life out of that rooster.
Ok, that’s it for me. The rooster joke is all I had really. It took me an hour (between 4:30 and 5:30a.m.) to come up with that. I am off to find some falafel. The French Cultural Center is showing Bowling for Columbine. Maybe it’ll be in English so I’ll understand some if it.
Go enjoy the autumn. Play in the laves for me. Palm trees don’t loose their leaves unfortunately.