d: ending

“i just want you to know that I’m here and I’ll be here if you need me and that i love you and I’m glad I’m with you”

“this is just a valley right now”

How do you tell that person that you don’t think this is just a valley? That you have lost hope that things will change. That you are just tired of trying to make something work that seems meant not to be. That you just want it to end.

I feel so guilty for giving up on us. That if I were a good person that I would stay optimistic and believe in a brighter tomorrow. That I am betraying her by giving up.

I have though. Almost completely. And not in a spurt of emotional distress temporarily lost sight of hope. Slowly and systematically over the course of months grown farther away from believing that she and I are meant to be together. It feels like a part of who I am that I believe it so deeply.

I talk to her and she is troubled too, but she still has hope. That light of being in love that I never really knew still carries her on. I want to just end it and stop acting out of accord with what I feel. It feels so wrong though to do this when she still has hope. That I owe it to her to keep trying until she gives up too.

I was remembering the LT weekend last night and the talk about cold resentments. I resent her and hold her apart from me because of it. I am almost angry at her if I go into it. Angry for her making me feel guilty. Angry at her for getting hurt over so many trivial things. Angry at her for not being able to go away and leave me alone when I needed to be by myself…

She puts herself out there for me in a way that I don’t feel I deserve.

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