Archive for June, 2002

j: salt and light

When I graduated from high school I sang with a traveling choir called Salt and Light. I have been attending a reunion for the last two days (we perform at several churches tomorrow) and it has given me alot to think about.

I have been thinking about faith and communities of faith…

Tonight we had a dinner for everyone and afterward they showed us a video with clips from the different years and then we had an opportunity to talk about memories that we had. Watching the video really affected me. Just to see these people that I had known 6 years ago and to see myself and to recognize the time that has passed. To recognize the finality of that passing.

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re: Will’s Journal

From:	S
Subj:	RE: Will's Journal

I didn’t expect the conversation to morph into another, “woe is me. I’m not good enough for you” discussions where he has not faith in the relationship and is incredibly pessimistic.

I do think that there is a certain self-esteem element to some of my behavior, but that wasn’t what I was talking about. I was not talking so much about whether I am capable or not of being a romantic person; I was talking about if I am. If I am going to choose to take the time and the energy to do it.

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sj: closeness

I just want to jot down a couple thoughts from a conversation that S and I have been having.

I have been working trying to get some programming done and it takes lots of time and energy trying to read about all of the different systems and decide on the right combinations and algorithms to set up a system. Also I am working against a pretty tight deadline and that pressure adds more stress.

When I get stressed like this I respond in differnt ways, but a mild depression is what happens when it is something like this where I don’t know what I am doing and am having to try and draw in from what seems an insurmountable amount of information to make decisions. It also has to do with a very real fear that I will not be able to get it together.

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q: role models

I was talking to S about Nick and Sarah and one of the things that I was thinking about was that whatever else mine and D’s relationship left me with, I got a real sense that pregnancy was a real thing and that it was important to take precautions. In particular birth control pills, which are the most effective non-surgical birth control method, other than abstinence.

I think that she served as a good role model in being firm and open about these sorts of things while she was there and I was wondering if there was anyone around the younger people now a days who served that sort of role.

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j: the sexual experience

This is about sex; the faint of heart need turn back now. I may well get explicit in this one, so be forewarned. Ya da ya da ya da…

(I still don’t get that. Do some of you actually read a sexually explicit things and feel uncomfortable? I can see if someone was watching, but on your own? I’m trying to understand what it is about the expression of sexuality that makes people squeamish. I’ve got it some, but it doesn’t feel natural to me.)

This journal is a collection of a couple of thoughts that I have considered; mostly in writing to S about different things. They seem to sort of cohere together, but I can’t really see all of the connections…

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RE: J: Sex

From:	ME
Subj:	RE: [Cor] J: Sex

I’d like to respond to this as a person who is still up in the air on the casual sex issue. In Shawn’s case I’m not really, since my relationships are messy enough and I know that throwing something like casual sex in there would be a recipe for disaster. That and I have not been with a partner that would have been willing anyway.

(Actually, I’ve never had the opportunity for casual sex at all, so this is all very hypothetical.) =)

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j: the hell?

Ok, some things have been going on. I want to talk about them because they seem very inconsistent to me and symptomatic, I think, of a fairly serious problem.

I have been doing alot of computer work over the last week as well as some slowing down as I get accustomed to being at home. Almost every time when I am in a situation where there is alot of focused work I have lots of sexual tension. The mental image is of some sort of chemical reaction that spins of bubbles or little points of light. There is something going on and it kicks off this energy as a byproduct.

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RE: J: failure as a means to give value

I actually agree with E when he mentioned being quite peeved with people who enter “easy” programs just to slip by and not fail out.

Well, I think being willing to work for what you value is important, but if you do decide that you need to change paths to suit your talents I think you ought to try to choose something other than education. Of the professions where I person could do the most harm in being where they don’t belong I think education is right up there.

The fellows that put up the walls and ceiling on our log cabin clear around $15,000 a week between the 3 of them. Maybe you could learn how to build log homes. I’m sure it is not too mentally taxing and if you do it wrong you probably end the lives of 2 or 3 people instead of marring history in the way a teacher can.

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