j: S

You asked the question of what I loved about S and what I didn’t. I have been thinking about that question and about what you said about everyone settles.

Something I don’t think has been understood throughout is that I don’t have this picture of a perfect girlfriend in my head and S is simply not living up to that. Over the course of our relationship I have gotten more secure with myself. I am still scared of not having a girlfriend, but not like I was before. Not to the point where I would get involved with someone I wasn’t really interested in.

When I met S she was interesting enough. She liked to talk and she seemed interested in me. She hadn’t done alot of thinking about her religious position though and she was struggling with some pretty serious self-esteem issues in general. She was not the girl I was looking for. I went out with her because I was interested in dating as much as because of her as a person.

I had it in my mind then that I was better than her and I don’t think I have ever really left it behind.

Everyone settles I am sure and I expect to make compromises. That doesn’t mean that our relationship is the right idea though. It does not mean that she and I are the right choice.

I am writing today having been feeling rather distant for her for a while and having bickered with her in e-mail today. There is a general sense of dissatisfaction on both of our parts I think though I don’t really know why.

Today the issue has been that this morning Wayne opened the door to get his hat out of the bathroom and likely saw her naked in the tub. She is upset at Wayne and is talking about her right to privacy and her right not to be seen naked. She is upset with me because I am not supporting her properly.

And I am not supporting her being upset at Wayne very much. I think that this is mostly about her issues with her body and that her time would be a lot better spent trying to figure out why she is uncomfortable being seen nude rather than being angry at Wayne. I do not think that he acted with any malice at all.

She just gets upset about so many pointless things it seems. Maybe this is a personality difference. I don’t think it is entirely though. I do get upset about things, but I don’t usually consider it to be the other person’s fault. Or at least I think I have more discernment about what is my issue and what is someone else’s. I don’t get as upset about the outside world rather than looking inside for what the issue is.

I see my way of doing things as being more productive and more mature. That a person should look inside first and deal with their personal issues before going crusading outside. I think her biggest problem by far is that she doesn’t like her body. Wayne should have knocked. S standing up for her right to privacy is a much smaller issue though than dealing with her self-esteem about her body.

I don’t even think I would care. I would choose to do things a different way from her and be ok with her making a different choice from me. She gets upset though when I don’t support her wholeheartedly. I have been supportive when she is dealing with real issues, but I am not when I think that she is avoiding something by externalizing. I still talk with her, but I don’t always agree with her and I don’t think that she has a right to expect me to.

I keep coming back to personality and I am pretty sure that much of this has to do with personality. Her feelings define the truth for her in a way that mine don’t. I want to be emotionally connected to the world and I agree that emotions are essential to understanding the truth of a situation, but they are not the only context and it takes awareness of a variety of perspectives.

I am thinking more and more though that we have different personalities and that neither one of us is naturally suited for the other. What do I like?

  1. She is a very loving and caring person
  2. She is good at being supportive and nurturing
  3. She is willing to challenge herself and try new things
  4. We have fun together much of the time
  5. Our sex is varied and enjoyable

What don’t I like?

  1. She gets caught up in her reactions to events and loses touch with reality
  2. She often blames rather than looking at what her issues are causing her reaction
  3. She doesn’t take things I say in the proper context some of the time (this is talking about sexual things in particular. I am trying to work through things and figure them out and she often takes statements as either complete fantasy of complete fact. I have had a hard time trying to get her to hold them somewhere in the middle. It doesn’t seem like she works things out in an iterative sort of way)
  4. She is not autonomous enough

It all centers around Feeling sorts of things. In my opinion she lets her emotional reactions to things color her information too heavily. Her feelings about events shape how she perceives them too strongly and ends up with unrealistic perceptions. These unrealistic perceptions give rise to unrealistic ideas which lead to unrealistic expectations which end with dissatisfaction because the world is working like she things it should.

Writing this now, when I am upset is not the clearest picture. Part of the reason I am writing now is that I have been slightly irritated for a while and not really able to figure out why. I thought maybe writing while upset would help me figure it out.

There is a more stable issue though that has been around for a while.

I have gone out with four girls in my life. Fear of being alone was a strong motivating factor in getting involved all of those times. Going out with S has been the first time that I really started to get by that fear and go out solely for the enjoyment of it.

Our relationship has been so many things that I never expected it to be. In looking at that and at how different our personalities are I wonder what things would be like if I was going out with someone who was:

  1. More analytically intelligent
  2. More spiritually involved
  3. More autonomous

Those are areas where I see S and I as differing. Less and less so as time goes on mainly because I feel like I am leaving who I was behind. We’ve stopped having many religious arguments because neither one of us was really changing much. She doesn’t get into the whole heavy math thing, so we don’t do that a whole lot either.

I don’t know if things would be better of worse or maybe just different, but I do recognize how this relationship has developed and wonder what things would be like.

There just seems to be alot of blame as of late. I blame her, she blames me. It is like we are mired in something together. I feel like I want to get away from it. Not to leave permanently necessarily, but just to get out of the muck. It’s just not as alive as it was. I don’t really know how to revive it though.

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