j: intimacy

I just wanted to write a little to sort of mark how I am feeling. Over spring break I was in a good mood generally and specifically I was pretty romantic toward S. I would be playful and nice and was generally affectionate.

As of late I am not feeling it. In general I feel sort of detached from my emotional state. I don’t have any strong reactions; I’m very business like.

I think that it has certainly been influenced by stress. What happened at the end of spring break was the shit hit the fan. I had several major projects due at once as well as extra-curricular stuff. I think that I dropped back alot to being Introverted Thinking. Don’t mess around playing; just focus on work and getting done what needs to be done. Stopping to have fun and play with S wasn’t on the agenda.

There is more to it than that though I think. There has been a certain tension between us for most of the week. I knew that she didn’t like how I was acting. I felt a little guilty for neglecting her, but most of what was going on was my reaction to that refusing to let my guilt get me to change how I was acting.

Again, one of the things I really came to dislike when we were going out before was me not feeling especially intimate but faking it because I believed that if I were a whole and healthy person then that is how I would feel, and it was wrong of me to make her suffer just because I was messed up. I eventually developed some very strong resentments toward both of us because I simply was not the person I thought I should be.

I am looking at this now and trying to find some balance with the drive to change.

In a meeting a could weeks ago A was talking about seeing me a person with not especially well developed interpersonal intelligence (tat is the ability to understand the workings of another person.) It really didn’t like up with my perception of myself and I have been thinking some about why. I think that it has alot to do with intimacy.

I don’t think that I am especially unintelligent interpersonally, but I do believe that my comfortability with intimacy is very low and so I do have a problem doing anything with what I perceive.

I was better at this for a while, but it has really dropped off. If you are around me sometime try to make eye contact. I look down just about every time. Even when I notice the impulse I still do it alot of the time. This is actually a pattern I noticed a while back (like 4 years) and spent time working an just looking people in the face. I thought I had it licked. =)

I feel sometimes when I look at other people like I am losing part of myself. Like I am coming apart and forgetting myself in their face. That sounds sort of cooky… It is nothing mystical or anything, just that sense that you have of yourself in your head, you know that? It is like I get distracted from that.

I don’t like that last paragraph. It is something that I have felt (though I hadn’t really thought of it like that.) Anytime I have something that sounds especially odd it is always just something simpler hiding. Do I think this is related to fana sorts of things in some way? As nice as it would be if this was an action to be cultivated it very likely has much more to do with my mom and my relationship with her.

Anyway, to catch the thought I wanted to catch. S wants me to be affectionate regularly. My natural inclination is more sporadic (really hot and cold almost.) How much should I expect her to respect my space (I am usually ok with affection, but not when I feel (think) pressured into it.) Establishing my boundaries and my right to choice is important to me; how much should I be challenging myself to be more intimate though?

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