d/j: superiority and mom

Tonight the tnh group went over to El Tapitia to meet. We ended up meeting for our time and simply stayed on with who showed up for the next meeting, so all in all it went on for about 4 hours.

I had a moment. I want to try and write it down. A was asking me about superiority on my part toward S. I am trying to remember the exact question she asked me…

Let me step back a little. I started off talking about the fact that S and I were dating again. That a big problem for me last time that I think eventually drove me to want to break up is that I was never emotionally attached and vulnerable to her in the way that she was to me. It kept coming up as an issue, but I never wanted to talk to her about it because I didn’t want her to know that I didn’t love her as much as she loved me. Everytime I would feel distant or upset about something I couldn’t justify being upset about I would just hold it in and chastise myself for not being loving enough.

It didn’t actually change anything about me other than leave me feeling more bitter and angry.

This time with us going into dating I wanted to be clear from the beginning where I was coming from and what I was doing. To tell her even if I thought it would hurt her feelings or make me look like a heartless person.

Also, we are dating knowing that if things go as planned I will be headed off to some foreign country in the Peace Corps in about 8 months. And that our relationship will need serious reevaluation at that point.

A asked me about if I thought I was smarter than her and I started in with a “I am smarter analytically, but she is a more emotionally connected person.” Which is true I think. That I value the intellectual so much more than the emotional is not though or that F’s are dumber isn’t either.

Somewhere around here there is a conecting piece. A asked something like “why does it matter who is smarter?” or “what if you aren’t smart?” And I answered “then my mom won’t like me.” This was really not something that was even close to being on my mind.

Things are sort of fuzzy after this. I know that the next thing that was hard for me to say was that when S and I started dating that I thought that I was settling. That I didn’t think she was as analytically or intrapersonally smart as me. I know that I have said it before, but it is something that I am ashamed of. It is something that I should not think. In thinking that and going out with her I am using her.

A asked me why I had settled. It is because I don’t think that she will leave me. I am not that good, but I am as good as she can do.

Talking more about my mom she asked what sort of picture I had of her. If she was large and angry. I didn’t really have a picture at all. I couldn’t really feel her. I think her absence was important though. Her not being there.

S reminded me of a time when I was doing step aerobics with her which requires a decent amount of coordination which I really didn’t have. After one of the classes she told me something along the lines of “you look goofy. You aren’t doing it right.” I don’t remember what she said exactly. As we had been going out at night doing this together I had been feeling as though we were doing something together; like we were becoming special friends. When she told me I looked goofy I felt like I had been misunderstanding all along. That I had been enjoying being there with her, but she hadn’t enjoied being there with me.

Also I remembered a time that she agreed to take me to the flea market if I would mow the lawn (or something.) I didn’t want to do my part, but she said that she wouldn’t take me unless I did. After I did though we got into a fight and she decided not to take me. Her decision was incomprehensible to me; literally. I had done my part, so she had to do her part. That was all I understood. I went out to the car because I didn’t understand that she had the option of changing her mind. This was a really Perry sort of defining moment for me. To say that when reality set in I was upset would be a dramatic understatement.

Something that I mentioned while talking that is important is that my relationship with my mother is almost discontinuous in the level of change that took place after I went to college. We used to fight incessantly and just really didn’t respect each other. Now I really value our relationship together and we get along really well. Both of us changed at some point. The effects of who we were though is still something I carry with me.

All in all while I was talking I didn’t feel connected to my words. I was intentionally letting myself drop and be more present, but I didn’t really felt like I got there. My head and shoulders dropped alot, which is what I focus on alot when I sit, but my center felt high. I felt too energized.

We moved to a different table to do some more stuff, but I will put that in another journal.

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