Archive for March, 2002

j: intimacy

I just wanted to write a little to sort of mark how I am feeling. Over spring break I was in a good mood generally and specifically I was pretty romantic toward S. I would be playful and nice and was generally affectionate.

As of late I am not feeling it. In general I feel sort of detached from my emotional state. I don’t have any strong reactions; I’m very business like.

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re: sadness as a commodity

Something else… One of the little dialogues S (I use her nickname when we are getting along) and I have been having over the last couple weeks deal with how I respond to her crying. I have been hard pressed to find a way to deal with it when we are talking about something and she starts crying. (It happens sometimes when we are discussing relationship issues.) My first impulse is always just to stop talking about it or to try and change what I am talking about to make it more comforting to her.

That pattern lies at the heart of why I was getting so frustrated before. I believed that I was a heartless dick and whenever she would cry when I would talk about things it reinforced that. I eventually stopped talking and tried to just change myself. I would just think “you just have to be more loving. Just be more open and more caring.”

Her position, and I think it is right, is that even if she gets upset it is important to be truthful and to maintain dialogue. A habit that I am seeing more frequently is that when I get to a point that I don’t know how to deal with a situation anymore one of my first reactions is to give up. To say “I just can’t/don’t want to do this right now.” She will start crying, but it has not been her that breaks dialogue.

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re: sadness as a commodity

I don’t feel emotionally vulnerable, just kind of pointlessly used in an emotional way. She’s not benefiting because I’m sad; she’d be just as well off or better if I were happy. I put down my horn and stopped practicing early because I no longer had energy into my playing. What is this sadness. Why does it act like it does?

I am not sure if I quite understand your perspective on sadness. Is sadness something to be avoided? It is natural I think to feel a sense of sorrow in response to certain things.

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for: 500 million billion tons of ice

An interesting piece of information in the research about the possible effects of global warming…

From http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1880000/1880566.stm

“An Antarctic ice shelf that was 200 metres thick and with a surface area of 3, ampoule order 250 square kilometers has broken apart in less than a month.”

That is literally 500 million billion tons of ice responding to a “2.5 degree Celsius rise in average temperatures – an increase greater than for any location in the Southern Hemisphere.”

Apparently what is so striking is the speed. This took about a month.

Everyone know how to swim?

“However, drugs ailment the picture generally in Antarctica is a complicated one with temperatures in the interior actually falling over the same period.”

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j: fighting

I wish that I had waited and written before reading S’s journal. I don’t want to respond to her here. I want to try and write about what I was thinking about.

I sat down and was writing notes as I was thinking. I’ll write from those…

“I can’t not get angry because she can’t handle it.”

We just got though really fighting. She and I were both very much angry at each other. I got substantially angrier in the middle of it because she stopped responding to me, Will, and started responding to me, her angry father.

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d/j: superiority and mom

Tonight the tnh group went over to El Tapitia to meet. We ended up meeting for our time and simply stayed on with who showed up for the next meeting, so all in all it went on for about 4 hours.

I had a moment. I want to try and write it down. A was asking me about superiority on my part toward S. I am trying to remember the exact question she asked me…

Let me step back a little. I started off talking about the fact that S and I were dating again. That a big problem for me last time that I think eventually drove me to want to break up is that I was never emotionally attached and vulnerable to her in the way that she was to me. It kept coming up as an issue, but I never wanted to talk to her about it because I didn’t want her to know that I didn’t love her as much as she loved me. Everytime I would feel distant or upset about something I couldn’t justify being upset about I would just hold it in and chastise myself for not being loving enough.

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movie recommendation: Waking the Dead

S and I got a movie the other night that I very much enjoyed. It was called “Waking the Dead” and starred Billy Crudup and Jennifer Connelly. It was a geuinely emotionanlly touching movie; the scenes didn’t feel contrived to pull at my heart strings. I also identified strongly with both of the characters who were trying hard to make a difference with their lives in very different ways.

Something that I have been thinking about lately is a statement that Roberts made in my history class. Several times during our history different political powers have risen and fallen. These bloodless revolutions are something that we take for granted in this country, but in much of the world change of that sort only comes with people dying. Recognizing the benefits of the ways that we do things despite all the problems is an important perspective to me.

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RE: [Cor] Thoughts

From:	clp 15-MAR-2002 17:37
Subj:	RE: [Cor] Thoughts

isn’t it true that we also tend to dehumanize people we really like as well?

That’s actually most of what Loewen is talking about thusfar, the so called “heroification” of historical figures. Removing their blemishes so as to fit more easily with simpler concept structures and to put them up as good role models.

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Lies My Teacher Told Me

In writing my message to Dr. Roberts asking for instances of times when the deception of the American public helped garner support for an effort that would otherwise have not survived (and in retrospect it was positive that it did survive,) I started thinking about the practice of historical revision in general.

I got my copy of Lies My Teacher Told Me by Julie Loewen out. The book specifically deals with high school textbooks and the highly skewed perspectives that it presents. I skimmed it a couple of years ago, and I was curious the sorts of things that it would have to say about the American Civil War which is what we are approaching in my History class.

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on 9/11 by Noam Chomsky

I found an interesting set of articles on:

http://www.guerrillanews.com

Specifically the ones that apply to our recent discussions deal with alternate perspectives on 9/11. One that I thought was interesting was from Noam Chomsky, which if you are familiar at all with linguistics you have heard of. The entire article is at:

http://www.guerrillanews.com/counter_intelligence/doc206.html

this is his answer to his last question of, what, if not war, should our country be doing.

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