j: pearson

Ok, before I have time to slack I am going to write a little on the Pearson stuff we did tonight. My scores came out:

  • Caregiver: 24
  • Fool: 23
  • Ruler: 21
  • Lover: 19
  • Magician: 19
  • Warrior: 18
  • Destroyer: 17
  • Creator: 17
  • Innocent: 17
  • Sage: 16
  • Orphan: 15
  • Seeker: 15

Honestly, I think this is really skewed. I am not especially emotionally connected, nor and I doing much caretaking. If anything I would say I have been fairly self-centered over the last few weeks.

Something that is true though is that I am learning more how to be emotionally supportive and caring. I remember when D was crying once when we were going out and I was so completely at a loss as to what to do that I eventually took her over to L’s house and he hugged her and stuff. I am still not really comfortable with being physically affectionate in most of my relationships, but I am learning a little.

What I think is going on is I am having a very strong reaction to my lack of discipline. I keep spending lots of time doing nothing at all and even when I recognize the pattern while I am in it I am not stopping. I sat down at the computer today to do some programming and I knew that I would have the impulse to play snood. I said before I sat down that I wasn’t going to do it and yet I played anyway. The LT people talk about the importance of keeping your word to yourself and mine is worth jack as of late.

Caregiver and Fool are both archetypes with immediate repercussions. I can comfort someone or make them laugh and all of that takes place in real time. The decision to act and the action are carried out pretty much simultaneously. Working on my classes or organizing something for the computer committee takes first the decision to do it, then the gathering of resources, then the actual work and even after all of that is done there is not usually any big gratification from it.

I was for a while in Huntsville very on track with my ideals. I sat regularly and I exercised and I was productive at work and in general I was more engaged in my life. I am feeling pretty out of it right now and I have a very hard time staying focused on anything. There is no excuse for it really, I am not tired or working very hard. I am a slacker. It has something to do with a lack of character. I think I have always been this way and just not been willing to own up to it.

I think there is something to the relationship that so long as a project is in development it can’t be evaluated, but once you put your stamp on it and say “it is done”, then the quality of my work and the extent of my skill can be measured in some way by what I have done. This is really getting to me on alot of my stuff. I am great right to the end, but I never want to finish it.

Anyhow, my general reaction is to just start cutting stuff out of my life. Simplifying and only focusing on getting a few things done. It is really affecting my relationship with S. I am just really out of it and don’t want to deal with the overhead of maintaining a relationship.

That is a topic for discussion later though.

I think a limiting experience for me was most of high school. I had a pretty strong rumor go around that I was gay and I suffered a strong social stigma from it. I got used to being something of a pariah and even when I started making friends some I was always a tagalong. It was a big thing for me in college when I started organizing activities and expressing original ideas.

I still don’t have a whole lot of confidence in my social attractiveness. Amber came to visit 3nD last night and I had a general desire to be fun and cool so that this attractive and popular person would like my house. It was good though on the whole because I didn’t get choked up and retreat into just watching. The anxiety was alot less, but to the extent it was there I could see it and it didn’t drive me very much.

I am looking forward to Chicago (with a little trepidation) because it will be a large scale social activity which is where I get the most intimidated. I know that people have different levels of social desirability (though I am learning that most everyone is disliked by someone) and I try to figure out what the right and wrong things to do are and to do them. I am getting more comfortable with believing that I can be both natural and socially desirable. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. =)

Cool, I wrote some. The slacking has been beaten back a little. I’ll go write computer programs now, hurrah!

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