Archive for December, 2000

sj: realization

Ick, I will try to make this make sense in a short span of time. It is alot of stuff working together but I don’t have time for it right now.

I was sitting last night staring at the wall and I forget the question which prompted but in my thinking (which along with attempting to stop it (thinking) occupies most of my time sitting staring at the wall) the fact that women very rarely commit rape and that matters to me. I was reading before that a short story where a woman is taken and held captive and brutalized and raped. It disturbed me, not out of empathy for her but out of empathy for her captor.

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n: oops

Stupid computers. =) Those of you who use both pine and vms mail are probably familiar with the fact that in eve (the editor for vms mail) ctrl-x will delete the current line. Whereas in pine ctrl-x is what you type to send a message. So, for those whose fingers get accustomed to hitting ctrl-x to send a message they will very often delete the last line off of their message and this prompts two incoming messages to the brain; one that they just failed to send their message and the other that they just took the last line out of their e-mail. Unfortunately for me the failure to send and the subsequent response to hit ctrl-z nearly always hits before I realize that I am sending a message sans a closing. That’s why my last message was loveless. =)

So, here it is. Love ()

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j: re: listservs

Wow, how cool H. () Thank you for putting yourself out there for me. I admire your willingness to recognize and act on what you perceive. I usually chicken out before making statements about anyone else and tend to go for a more conciliatory approach and then fume privately. =)

I had been planning a journal on the listserv stuff though because setting it up and then E e-mailing to me and the subsequent responses I got. With S moving and everything I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything ready, but this seems a perfect opportunity to make the time.

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dj: S

I am going back and forth right now between pissed and tired. S and I have been bickering and fighting for about the last month off and on and I am unhappy with our relationship alot of the time. It almost always seems to be little things which set us off and I really do think there is something big behind all of it that we aren’t addressing.

Today it was about a set of tickets that she won from a radio station here in Huntsville to a concert in two weeks. She won four tickets and since she doesn’t know anyone down here in Huntsville I wanted to give the remaining two tickets to D to let her take someone else along. S doesn’t like spending time with D and I am ok with that. She doesn’t want me to be friends with D though and I am not ok with that.

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n: shopping invitation

Hey everybody, I am going to be in town next weekend (the 15th – 17th) and though that on that Sunday (which is the day after graduation), with Christmas being so close at hand, that a little shopping would be in order. So, S and I are going to head to Nashville and hit some of the different malls there. Don’t know exactly what I am hunting for yet, but I figure with all the shopping there is in Nashville I am sure to find at least some of it. =)

Being though as I have a van that I am taking I thought that any of you who were also in the holiday money-spending mood might like to join us. I am not sure where all we might go; last year Hicory Hollow was pretty nice and Opry Mills I have heard good things about.

So anyhow, if you are interested let me know. We will head out sometime in the morning early (like 8ish) and I am going to be going all the way back to Huntsville that night, so will try to get back to Cookeville by 8 or so that night. Plans are flexible as always. =)

It will be a mere 9 days til Christmas then. =)

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j: growth and counterdependance

I had something that I was planning on writing this morning but I just got through sending with S and that helped me to forget everything I had planned so I am going to write more instead about that conversation as well as a phone conversation that we had earlier today.

I made an analogy that I think really helped her to understand where I am and why I am dealing with things like I am. I talked about the fact that I am standing in front of a hatred and a rage that I do not know how to deal with and that I have never dealt with before. I fear that if I go into it then it will consume me and drive me and cause me to do things that are morally wrong. S is very afraid that this will become true as well; that I will hurt her when we are living together or worse that I will molest some child. And I have said several times that I do not think anything like that will happen. I have never hurt her physically out of anger nor have I even had the impulse to hurt anyone else.

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j: life training team

I have been resisting writing this about as strongly as I remember going into anything for a very long time. I set down last night with the full intention of getting it done and fell asleep such that I didn’t see it coming until I woke up in the morning. I came in this morning planning on working on it and managed to procrastinate and get distracted for nearly four hours so far. I am now getting very very tired and want little more than to lay my head down on the desk and take a nap.

What I am going to write about is a couple of experiences that I had this weekend at the life training weekend. I served on team for the first time and learned a couple of things in the process I think. The biggest event for me though has to do with the guided imagery exercise. I wrote down the imagery a couple hours after I did it but that notebook is in the Wade’s van right now so I can’t go from that. I want to get the things that happened after the imagery down though and to do that I need to have the imagery.

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