Archive for November, 2000

sj: research

What is interesting right now is that I am trying to justify to myself that I am not permanently emotionally inept by virtue of my genetic makeup i.e. as a guy and most of the research that I am finding to support my position was written from the very different position of women who are trying to prove that they are capable of emotional control.

The one that was interesting to me was this lady writing about several legal cases in England where women were given reduced sentences in murder trials because they were pre-menstrual. The writer was I think pissed at these cases because she saw the thinking behind them as valid justification for the subjugation of women. I.e. girls need special considerations during that time of the month because their hormones are out of their control was insulting to her. I can see where she is coming from as well.

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j: dreams

I have written this one over the course of a few days. It does deal with sexuality so for those of you who are squeamish about such things you ought to stop now probably.

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sj: ideas

These are just a couple of ideas that I have come across in the last couple days. I am working on integrating them but am going to present them cursorily as I come across them to help introduce you gradually and to ground them in my head.

The one that prompted it is this one:

Traditionally men are supposed to come into the sexual prime at a much earlier time than women; early 20’s as opposed to late 30’s. The generally accepted explanation is said to be something biological, but I just was skimming a gender issues textbook that I picked up at McKay’s and it put forward the idea that men are traditionally brought up with a heavy focus on genital based sexuality whereas women are generally taught to avoid sexuality and the sexuality that they do express is centered more around relationship rather than physicality. The premise is that while men begin slowing down as they get older women get more comfortable focusing on the genital aspects of sexuality and this increases orgasm rates (and the statistics on sexual primes.)

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for: to S on identity

This is something I wrote to S which covers some of where I am right now. I am wondering if I am in one of Underhill’s purgations, where everything seems bleak as a part of the letting go. Or maybe it is just a natural depression that I have been supressing. Or maybe it is just resistance. I am really uncertain.

I feel like most of what is carrying me through with S right now is committment. I have my family and her both telling me that I can do better than her and I feel so distant. I wonder if they are right. I wonder if I am settling somehow. I wonder what else I could have if I was with someone else. I haven’t figured out what that something night be, but I have most of the people in my life saying I maybe can find it. And I feel so distant and cut off and I know that it is about me and my defenses, but if I was with someone stronger or smarter could they help me see through this? I feel like I betray her by thinking these things when she is so attached and committed. Alot of tyhis might be work stuff; it seems like doing lots of computer stuff pushes me to detachment alot and this last week was a ton of that.

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n: Heather George/Duvall

I talked to J tonight and she told me that Heather Duvall died last night. She was having an asthma attack and there were complications of some sort. Perhaps related to the same type of blood clot condition that her father died of a couple years ago. Many of you might know H from Search.

I don’t have any news on Scott; the latest e-mail address I have for him is armagron@usit.net. I do not know if he is still at this one or not. He and Heather were married about a year ago and I am sure that this is really getting to him.

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for: to S on unfairness

From:	GEMINI::WJH3957 "W.J. Holcomb --"  9-NOV-2000 17:39:17.92
To:	S
Subj:	unfairness

I have been sitting at home reading sci-fi and contemplating the world. You know I think part of where my jealousy at your connection comes from, has to come from, is the assumption that I am owed that in my life. That it is not fair to me if I don’t get that.

But where do I get that from? The world is not a fair place. Some children are born starving and die young. People are killed without their consent and never having done anything malicious. Hundreds of thousands of men do not have the type of sexual relationship that I do with you; hundreds of thousands of women do not have the type of emotional relationship that you do. They would love to be anywhere close to this and yet they will never be. People die in wars and from hatred and from all sorts of things; die unfairly. People are wounded emotionally and never know what it is like to have a close intimate relationship; is it fair? Regardless of whether it is or not it is life.

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integrations

I have been reading a little and thinking about integrations in my life. In particular I am coming off of Kornfield who in my mind was much about presence and being engaged and all that stuff, to starting DeMello who is not going on about leaving the unhealthy things behind.

Honestly I liked Kornfield more. I am not very good at being present. I tend to step back and watch more. Getting the kind of realization that DeMello is talking about here now where you see a part of your life as unhealthy, that takes a distance from yourself. I use that distance as a defense.

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for: to S on sexuality

I did not forward this because I thought that it was either trivial or I am analyzing myself too much. More honestly though I did not send it because I am ashamed of still being stuck on the same issues and did not want to admit it. So, here it is.

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n: sweet home alabama

Did you know that until today it has been unconstitutional for interracial marriages to take place in Alabama? It is on the ballot today to get it changed and I expect it to pass, order impotent but it has been to this point against the law. Never would have guessed personally.

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Re: to E on emotion and gender

part of what i see you saying is that your interpretation of IJ is that its a man->man emotion thing. the problem is that that’s not all of it. a lot of what bly says is metaphorical and you have to figure out how it best decodes for you. its an easy read but a hard book, you know?

Yeah, I really know very little about the book. All that I really read on it was that he says that women cannot mentor men. I haven’t read anything much positive. I know that my mom and dad both read it for a church discussion a couple years back (where I got it from) and they both liked it. That makes me fear it as much as like it though.

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