Archive for October, 2000

for: to S re: dreams

From:	GEMINI::WJH3957 "W.J. Holcomb --" 30-OCT-2000 10:40:40.04
To:	S
Subj:	re: dreams

I had a couple of dreams last night. One was of me fighting with my dad. We were fistfighting and he is a big guy and I could see in his face that he meant to hurt me. I was scared, but I was not giving up either. We went at it and I don’t remember how it went exactly but eventually I threw him over my shoulder and when he hit the ground he twisted and it screwed up his back. He was lying on the ground just writhing and I was upset that I had hurt him without meaning to. I came over to him and held him still while I kneaded his back and the muscles calmed down. I wasn’t feeling caring exactly, but like this was a necessity. I had alot of resistance to being that close to him. I could feel myself trying to make me push away and just leave him.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

sj: thinking (approved)

When I sit at night and I think usually my thinking is of the form of me talking about my experiences to someone else. Alot of the time it is me pretend writing a journal in my head and talking about my experiences. Analyzing them takes me out of them.

I have been thinking about a dispassion in Wayne that I have noticed sometimes when he and S and I have been together. It is also what I think Rebekah describes when she writes about Wayne being in her head and telling her not to do certain things. It is the application of a model of the universe to observations.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

q: counselling

I am considering finding a counsellor to help me with problems that I have been dealing with for a long time connecting to my emotions. I was wondering if anyone on this list had any exerience with mental health professionals and could give me suggestions on things to look for or avoid.

Also I am concerned some about the costs. I am making more here than I was at school, pilule but living costs are alot more and my trips to Cookeville are going to do my car in soon which will kill my meager savings. Does anyone know about what I can do to deal with budget constraints? Has anyone ever dealt with insurance and psychiatric care?

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Leave a Comment

sj: selfishness

I have been avoiding writing this for a while now. First I got distracted by my job and then I got into reading some stuff and so on and so forth for over a day now. I am avoiding it because it is painful and because I am confused. The events of the last few days have given me much to think about in regards to who I am and much of it is not pretty.

Finding a stable place to see what has been happening is one of the hardest things of all. I go from seeing this as nothing especially bad at all; a couple stray thoughts and one bad e-mail, to seeing it as indicative of a pathological aspect of my personality; a blind selfishness which pervades everything that I do.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

apology

I have been talking to S for a while about what I sent out a little bit ago. She was angry at me for sending it to both Rebekah and her at the same time and as we talked it became clearer to me what I was doing and why I was doing it and why it was wrong.

I was playing a game when I sent that last journal out to Rebekah. I was playing it some the whole time that we were together in Washington and I was even seeing it as I was sending out my journal but I didn’t stop. I was trying to manipulate Rebekah into being attracted to me. I wanted for her to see me as attracted to her and for that to make her want me. I was wanting to be wanted.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

j: relationship stuff

I feel like this one kinda fizzled at the end. I was digging towards something and then all of a sudden poking around on the computer became fascinating and I couldn’t seem to get back into writing. This deals with some relationship stuff but it is just a recognition of how things are and not really anything seriously bothering me. Over and over as I write you will see me expecting to upset S and I think if anything this is really about the differences in how we see my thoughts. I see them as constantly changing and nothing to ever be taken to seriously, especially if they are just passing things, and fearing that if I talk about my passing thoughts then she will think they are things that I am fixated on and think about alot. A and Wayne are getting this just because I like to keep them abreast and Bekah is getting it since I talk about nchc some and like for people to know usually when I am talking about them. =)

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

statements

I am getting statements of yours wrapped in my head in ways that other people’s don’t. I guess it is just the seeing you as a teacher and respecting the authority of your opinion. It is interesting though to see what gets stuck and how it is lodged.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

for: an attepted reply to T on developmental differences

From:	GEMINI::WJH3957 "W.J. Holcomb --" 12-OCT-2000 13:29:04.64
To:	T
Subj:	re: developmental differences

I am trying to come up with something coherent to reply to your last journal about Katie, but it is difficult. I will try to flesh it out slowly and see how it goes. =)

I think that your main problem is developmental differences. The issue of the nature of development and how it affects the comparison of people is something that I have been contemplating in my own life. There are several axes to development I think but seemingly to me a central theme that runs throughout.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

off /.

np-complete writes: “According to this article from BBC News, the UK government has decided to allow insurers to deny cover or increase premiums for those who have tested positive for Huntingdon’s Chorea, despite the recommendation by the Human Genetics Advisory Commission for a moratorium on the use of such information. The government has decided that insurers should be able to use information from genetic tests if it is deemed technically reliable by the Genetics and Insurance Committee. The report claims this makes Britain the first country in the world to approve this kind of commercial use of gene technology. The government says it’s ‘good for consumers.'”

The whole story with links is at: http://slashdot.org/yro/00/10/12/1248249.shtml

I have been reading too much paranoid science fiction and spending too much time in the buisness world. This scares me a bit; shades of gattica.

Leave a Comment

for: Roger Zelazny — Divine Madness

[I have decided this is to be a story in parts, 3 to be exact, here is the first and largest chunk of Roger Zelazny’s short story Divine Madness. I will do the next tomorrow night.]

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

Older Posts »