Archive for September, 2000

censorship

I read in one of E’s notes that all the people in the 201 class are being added to the cor list. I am a little concerned about the variety of things that I send out to the list. If I send out something about anal sex or commiting rape or whatever am I going to freak someone out? It honestly also is challenging my openness. I am connecting more with my feelings and am feeling more worried about sending stuff out becasue of how people are going to respond. That though is mine to deal with; the affects on other people though is something that I am uncertain about.

I do pay attention to what I write and try to remain centered but I am writing for an audience that I assume to be of a certain level of maturity and unconditionality. Is that still true? Honestly I don’t know alot of these people and I think it is that as much as anything.

Getting into fears of the opinions of others again…

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for: j: makeup and E

From:	GEMINI::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb --" 27-SEP-2000 19:04:23.99
Subj:	sending to b

I just had a send conversation with B a little bit ago. He sent to me talking about E’s earlier e-mail harshly criticizing my motivations for critisizing him on not opening the list. He told me that he didn’t think I was a cruel and vindictive person and that he he recognized my anger in writing to E and that he thought it was justified.

I got the sense though that he wanted me to be angry with E. I think maybe either he wanted to help me express some of my anger or he has some anger himself that was affecting him. I can’t tell really but something was a little funky. I wasn’t at that point though especially angry at E anymore. I had been talking to S about going to the formal and also about me getting dressed up and even the possibility of using makeup to cover the splotches across my jaw which I cannot seem to get rid of.

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re: m fears regarding teachers

what is this about purity of teacher? is he afraid i will lead him astray?

Really he is afraid that you will abandon him or not care about him. He has a set of internal stories both from school and other places where people in authority have either abused him or abandoned him and the pain from those experiences runs very deep in him and hardens him against trusting not only authority figures but his peers as well.

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sending to b

I just had a send conversation with B a little bit ago. He sent to me talking about E’s earlier e-mail harshly criticizing my motivations for critisizing him on not opening the list. He told me that he didn’t think I was a cruel and vindictive person and that he he recognized my anger in writing to E and that he thought it was justified.

I got the sense though that he wanted me to be angry with E. I think maybe either he wanted to help me express some of my anger or he has some anger himself that was affecting him. I can’t tell really but something was a little funky. I wasn’t at that point though especially angry at E anymore. I had been talking to S about going to the formal and also about me getting dressed up and even the possibility of using makeup to cover the splotches across my jaw which I cannot seem to get rid of.

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gazing question

At the last jounaling class meeting you did the gazing exercise but suggested that those romantically involved not use each other as partners. Why was that?

I ask becasue the thought of doing it with S is something I see as an oportunity for very real and affirming experience. We both hypotesized as to why you would recommend couples not doing it together. S that their romaintic involvement might cloud them as to the true nature of their beloved and that, ailment abortion apoplectic by mixing spirituality in on top of a possibly uncertain romantic involvement, you might damage one through problems with the other.

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sj: jealousy

This is an intersting journal for me and I think the last one I will write this morning since I ought to get to work at some point. =)

It is about jealousy and me getting into it last night. The strange thing is that who I got jealous of was someone I don’t even know. O is in town visiting with A for a couple days. He went to the journalling class that A is having on Tuesdays that S is a part of.

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sj: integration

This is about a conversation that S and I had last night. I am going to come into town on Friday to go to the formal for homecoming and am getting very excited about it. S and I were being… what’s the word… flirtatious is too innocent… lewd doesn’t convey the intimacy… it wasn’t really cyber-sex… umm, I don’t know. We were talking about being together and looking forward to it and making innuendos and other stuff like that.

I have not been masturbating for about a week or so now. I mentioned this earlier in a journal referencing the primal scream people at one of Kornfield’s retreats and how masturbation is a release for me and I wanted to see what would happen to the energies if I didn’t release them.

Sexuality is also confusing in general for me right now. I have a bunch of issues about myself and my personality that are coming out in sexuality; again I have written bunches about sexual jealousy and inadequacy and so on and so forth.

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sj: thoughts on thinking

I have a song that I listen to that I like called Kryptonite by Three Doors Down. I don’t get into most of the lyrics, though I do like the “If I go crazy then will you still call me superman?” I like singing that to S. =) It is cute because we will be in a restaurant or something and the first few notes of the song will play and I will look at her and she will either nod or mouth the word yes. Just having little understood things like that is neat.

What I wanted to write about is how I am when I listen to the song. One of the repeated lyrics is “my … kryptonite” and there is a little pause between my and kryptonite where sometimes there is a hit on a cymbal. For the longest time I heard the words “my aching kryptonite” where the cymbal crash is the “k” of aching. S sent me the lyrics to the song one time and I replied saying that they were wrong and there was another word between my and kryptonite. She didn’t reply back to it. later when we were in the car and the song came on the radio we listened to it and when that part came up I heard the word aching and told her “see”.

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question addendum

From:	IN%"TWD8462@tntech.edu"  "Wayne Douglas" 26-SEP-2000 14:22:34.27
Subj:	[Cor] Question.
  • Why do you meditate?
  • What do you “do” when you meditate?
  • How do you feel after you meditate?

If anyone takes on these questions I hope that you will answer then publically becasue I am curious too about the thoughts that people have on these questions. Additionally I am curious what ways, order if any, you see regular practice as affecting your life.

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for: to my parents

I didn’t feel really open when sending this, but it’s a start; isn’t it?

From:	GEMINI::WJH3957 "W.J. Holcomb --" 26-SEP-2000 11:53:21.89
To:	MOM DAD
Subj:	getting to know you

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