Archive for July, 1999

re: to M

This is a little something that I wrote as part of a conversation that M and I have been having. I touched on some ideas that I have been thinking about and thought that I would share.

From:	TTU::WJH3957  "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 28-JUL-1999 10:22
To:	M
Subj:	depravity

Well, thanks for being a willing victim of my tortured conscience’s tirades against my complete and utter lack of character.

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sj: stressed

I said once upon a time that I wouldn’t let it get to me. That when I had to do stuff for other people that I would maintain a sense of realism and not let my desire too perform suck the enjoyability out of my work.

Ha.

It was a pleasant dream at least. I feel like shit. I can’t do what I need to be able to do. I am not good enough. I am not properly equipped. I am not experienced enough. But am I giving up? Am I just letting it go? Hell no. Why? Maybe it’s the money. I really like having a little bit of money. I want to be able to buy computer bits. I really like having technotoys to play with. Those things cost money.

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for: monogamy thoughts

This is a bit of a conversation (well, diatribe on my part really) that I had with S this morning. I thought there was some neat info in there and thought I’d share. =) The fact that she doesn’t seem to mind too much when I wander into disquisition is really nice. =)

They are discussing this magazine article in “Gear” magazine that men are biologically programmed to cheat- but culturally programmed to be monogamous. I don’t think the biological part is true- not all men cheat. Many do, for some reason, but not all. What’s your thought on this??

I read an interesting article on that the other day. I’ll give you a brief run down. Male humans are bigger than female humans, right? I forget the exact measurements but I think in general men are about 15% larger than women on average. The study that I read did a correlation between the relative body sizes of the genders in a species and then compared that to the monogamy of the species.

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re: to g on sex

For the sake of openness I thought I’d send this out though I decided not to send it out to everyone, one because I don’t know if anyone would get upset and two because I think that I’ve already passed the point where if S knew the kinds of things that I was telling large numbers of people about she’d be upset. So even though she doesn’t know I want to keep what I do limited.

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j: yet more bits and pieces

Here I am again. I want to write about stuff but I don’t feel the words wanting to come. Yesterday and last night I was really teeming with stuff to write about but now that I get in front of the computer all of that seems to fade away.

I guess a good place to start is why I think that is happening. I am thinking that when I finish this journal I will include S in the people that I send it to. I have some pretty serious reservations about doing so. It doesn’t feel right. Sharing my journals is something that I’ve done from fairly early on most of my relationships…

I guess the thing is that I’ve never had a relationship that was even in the ballpark of what I would call successful. I really don’t understand why. I really would like for things to work out well with S and don’t want to screw things up. I recognize things that I do that don’t fit very well with what “normal” people do and sharing this kind of writing is one of them. Maybe if I try to stay normal then I won’t mess things up.

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sj: more miselany

Well, I’ve spent a good deal of today pretty frazzled. I mentioned in another e-mail that I have a pretty regular schedule that I have been following getting a mail from S in the morning and then another in the evening. Well, today she logged on and I got no e-mail. Yipe. The routine is broken; why? Did I do something wrong? Does she not like me? I have been breaking form lately and my last two messages have talked without much censorship about the fact that I like her and I want to kiss her. I’ve never been that kind of open before and from reading her responses I’ve been feeling pretty good about the whole thing but I am uncomfortable enough in it that when she broke pattern I got spooked.

I spent most of the morning alternating between being scared and laughing at me being scared. I went back through to read my last couple of e-mails and I must say that were I flirting with myself I would be thoroughly impressed. That’s not saying a whole lot though. =) I found out at home that a good deal of the humor I see in the world is not shared by others.

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sj: romantic miscelany

Once again I am writing without and real purpose. I feel an inclination to write so I do. I don’t have any really burning issues; perhaps a couple smoldering ones though. I’ll poke around in them. =)

Romance, ever and always romantic intimacy has been an issue for me. I have never had more than a mildly successful relationship and my views on what I am looking for in a “romantic” relationship seem to be in a constant state of flux.

It is coming up once again because of a new girl in my life. S sent me an e-mail round about a month ago and from that intial encounter has arisen a long standing conversation and a couple of dates. By far the majority of our communication is electronic; usually I send her an e-mail from work in the morning then she answers that at some point during the day than in the evening there is another response on my part and she ends leaving me to pick up the next day.

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re: Requested Computer Information

how long will it take and when are you free to talk? give me parameters?

I think that the majority of the information that I am needing at this point I can get from other people.

I’ll go ahead and detail what it is that I would like to do…

There are two primary aspect to the changes that I would like to make. One is doing what is called subdomaining honors. This would mean that there would be a computer called honors.tntech.edu which would serve to provide various services to the honors program.

The second aspect has to do with the services. To begin with it’s primary function would be as a webserver. The honors program currently has a set of webpages which include the handbook and a couple of other pieces of information. I am hoping to move the bulk of the HPEO system over to the web and allow students to do the majority of their paperwork electronically.

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quote

On my way back through Knoxville I made my obligatory stop at McKay’s and picked up Godel, Escher, Bach; Stages of Faith; a bunch of SciFi; and a book called Camp’s Unfamiliar Quotations from 2000 B.C. to the Present by Wesley D. Camp. I’m liking wandering through it. It has alot of neat stuff. I’ve been carrying on a e-mail conversation with someone and was looking through it in the Liberty section and found this one:

“Liberty is the possibility of doubting, of making a mistake,… of searching and experimenting,… of saying No to any authority — literary, artistic, philosophical, religious, social, and even political.”

Ignazio Silone, The God That Failed, 1950

I like it. Certainly not *any* kind of rebellion. Certain rules have to exist for a society to function, but the idea is good.

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sj: miscelany

It seems like all that I have to write as of late is piddling little pieces about nothing in specific. There aren’t any issues that I am particularly vehement about. Pretty much my life is a hum-drum day to day drudgery. Which I guess is ok so long as I am enjoying it.

I wanted to talk a bit about this past weekend and the stuff that I did. I am proud of the work that I did and I am still trying to decide if I like being proud. I have never been comfortable looking to other people to validate me. I say that it is because it is not mature to do so but really I really fear that if I put my faith in other people then they will let me down. I think that abandonment is still a really big issue for me to deal with.

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