q: sitting

What exactly are you supposed to do when you meditate. I know that you think you’ve been over this, but you’ve been over this is the abstract intuitive kind of way that you have such a penchant for and that leaves me ofttimes without even an inkling of the topic covered.

I sat last night and it is my third night in a row. This is for me fast approaching a new record.

I have only been sitting for 10 minutes though. I sit and count my breath until something tells me that it is time to get up. I usually try to sit for longer but it doesn’t go away usually so I go to bed.

Last night was a new experience. I fell asleep in the living room and dragged myself to bed. I was lying there and thinking about the fact that I was going to miss meditating if I went to sleep. Before I have had this conversation with myself and have ended up just going to sleep. Last night though I ran through a chain of thought that I have every so often, seeing my life as a series of individual choices each of which is integral to shaping the person that I will become. It is not the consequences of the choice that matter so much as it is the person that I agree to become by making the choices.

To agree to go to sleep and not meditate is to agree to put my comfort and laziness ahead of my chosen discipline. I know that and when I make that choice my concept of myself is changed appropriately and I know that too. I change how I see myself and that changes how I am.

Even though most of the time I can’t see it and am not aware of it, it is there.

So, I got up and sat in front of the door. The experience has been different nearly every night. Last night I didn’t have very many sensations as I was sitting. Usually I feel myself shift physically into a different mindset. Last night wasn’t so much so. I figured something was wrong but couldn’t figure out anything. I got to thinking then about the verse from the bible which talks about giving up the childish things upon entering adulthood. I like the feelings that I have when I sit. They are usually entertaining. Maybe they were supposed to go. I can’t tell really.

I don’t know if there is supposed to be no feelings or what. I got the general don’t think idea but so much of what goes on in my head isn’t thinking at least not in the sense of thinking being like talking in your head. I fell shapes and energies and tensions. This isn’t just in meditation it is all of the time though when I stop thinking as much I feel stuff more. Throughout though I could feel tension changes happening and dropping tensions and then I’d stop paying attention and they’d come back. But it was not nothing. I was paying attention to stuff. Thinking in a sense. Like I said, I’ve had meditation explained to me but noone said what they meant then they talked about thought.

I remembered when I got into bed how frustrated I used to get because I thought that meditation was a state of mind and I did not understand that when people were talking about meditation that they were talking specifically about sitting in a particular place and not moving. I didn’t know that honestly, but when I would try to ask people what they were talking about they’d not think my question was valid.

I mean the capacity to hold off from defining things when a proper definition has not been given is an important aspect of malleable though. The human reflex is to grasp, to categorize, to understand. I value that I don’t always do that but I get my feelings hurt sometimes when other people don’t recognize its value.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. (I Corinthians 13:11 KJV)

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