j: segmentation fault — sex

In Linux if a program encounters an error that it is not equipped to handle then this ofttimes results in a segmentation fault and the response to a segmentation fault is to dump the core which contains all the system information at that time in the hopes that information will be useful in debugging the program and figuring out why the error occurred.

Something is wrong with me right now. Usually I maintain at least some level of fluidity in my operation but since I have gotten home things have not been running right. My performance is fine. I am doing fine interacting with my family and adapting to the change in environment, but something is not performing correctly. I feel wrong.

Honestly this happens about every time that I come home. While I am at school my cognition changes and develops in response to the stimuli specific to that environment but because of a certain homogeneity in my peer group there are certain situations that the new ways of thinking don’t get tested in. When I come home a good many changes get put through another set of tests and there are nearly always bugs to be worked out.

So, this is my core dump. I ask that you try to read it with as little judgement as you can muster. I have not done this with as varied a group as this for a very long while. I am a nice guy. If you leave this with that idea then we’re cool. =) When I wrote I try to be as open as I can be about the workings of myself. As best I can figure nearly all of my problems seem to be tied to things that I am resisting dealing with. Being open with them and not treating them as unspeakable not only lets other people see what is going on with me but it changes my capacity to see. For me the process of keeping something hidden from the world also serves to keep it hidden from myself.

Big things for me since I got back. Big things that I don’t want to talk about? Well, that’s easy: sex, physicality, sexual expression…

I have alot more hope than I once did. I go back and read my old journals and the things that I once thought to be issues that were beyond my capacity to ever deal with are now not gone but certainly within my control.

Sexuality is like that with me right now. I like physicality; I like sexuality. I don’t think that it is a bad thing. I don’t think that it is an evil thing. It is however a huge source of energy that I have no outlet for. At least not a satisfactory one.

I went out a couple of days ago with some friends of mine from high school. We went to some local bars and sat around and talked for a while. One of the things that struck me the most was their willingness to talk about issues of sexuality. Granted the openness wasn’t there in the same way, but I just got a much stronger feel for a connection to their sexual desires.

Hmmmm, I didn’t like how they focused the energy really. On the whole the general method was superficial relationships with a focus just on the physical aspect of sex, which is attractive to me but not nearly so much as something committed.

Aw hell, I can’t do it. I can’t send this to everyone. I am willing to talk about alot of stuff, but not this. Ah well, I’m cutting my distribution for the sake of maintaining my openness. I still fear that I am going to be thought a dangerous or a sick person, but hell I want to be honest. I am not a bad person I know that.

There was a movie on the tv the other day called Casualties of War with Michael J. Fox and it was about Vietnam. I didn’t see the beginning of it but what happened that was of importance was there was a scouting group of 5 guys who were wandering through a jungle and they kidnap a girl from a town and they take her and four of the guys rape her but Fox’s character refuses.

I was sitting there watching and running through the situation and imagining being in a war and if I was one of the guys who had kidnapped the girl and if I was there if I would have taken part in the rape? I wouldn’t have but then I tried shifting over and being one of the guys who did it and I can understand how they did it. I can put myself in the place of one of the rapists and understand how to be that.

I wonder then if I were to actually be in a war and have the horror and the damage that is caused there if I could go to that person and I really don’t know. There are few people that I put it out of my capacity to become.

I mean it really doesn’t sound that bad if you put it in terms of a simple empathic shift, but I can imagine myself on trial for something and the prosecutor coming and saying “is it not true sir that you once wrote that you could imagine yourself raping a defenseless woman?” It just sounds bad.

That is my outward reason for being afraid. Under that lies my fear of making you all think that I am a deviant and that I am dangerous and not to be trusted. But in the end I fear that I am a deviant; that I am a pervert; that I am undesirable; that I am doomed to be victim to desires that I cannot control.

It really is strong. I can’t quite place it; the need for sex. Desire be damned; this is so strong. I don’t know why it comes out so strongly when I am at home. Maybe I tie some of it in with general social interactions when I am at school. Maybe it is that I have more free time. I don’t know really.

I’m afraid to even look at it straight on. It drives me so and I can’t do anything with it. This was the other reason that I couldn’t send this out to a wide distribution; I want to talk about other people.

Women. D, J, L, S, J (II). Throughout sex has fucked me up (fitting.)

I remember being in the shower with D and losing my erection and being happy that it was happening. I never had any control over it. If she decided to excite me then it happened. I could not stop my body from responding no matter what I thought. I wanted to have some control. I went through a period of serious depression where I was working with the computer for 6-8 hours a day and I didn’t want to be around her. A big part of it was that she had so much control over me sexually; if she came on to me I responded physically but she would reject my advances if she was perturbed and she seemed to be able to just ignore it in a way I couldn’t. When we started having trouble romantically she refused all physicality with me and it drove me up the wall to have such strong desires and not be able to do anything.

I am thinking about moving out of the house with her at the end of the summer. There is too much old stuff there. She still turns me on if she wants to and I can’t stop her. All I can do is leave.

J. We would make out for very long periods of time; kissing and some genital stimulation, but it got old and I wanted her to get on birth control so we could have sex but she kept breaking her appointment and I couldn’t tell if she didn’t want the involvement or if she was just doing a non-commitment act or if she really just kept forgetting. She still wanted physical involvement very much but we stopped at serious kissing.

L; she was the coolest. I really liked her flavor of physicality though I didn’t like that I kept hearing that she was doing it with about 6 people. That aside though what really sucked was the night at N’ party where I am sitting talking to David about his going skinny dipping with a girl and she talking about the inadequacy of her partner in her first sexual encounter. This coming just after having been broken up with. It hit really hard and it still hurts. Not only too be inadequate sexually but to have a reputation? Damn.

Things were going fairly well with S for a while; slow, yes, but moving. Then I started to move more into the realm of physicality and she runs away. This pattern seems pretty sucky. When I was trying to change my social interaction skills I just had bunches of irrational fears about being rejected, there wasn’t any place really where I had seriously put my neck out and gotten whacked. Here I have a pattern developing; I don’t even have to be irrational.

I still think of myself as a pretty nice guy. Most people seem to enjoy being around me and interacting with me. I don’t think that I am a romantic pariah. Not that I can see at least. My self image seems a bit too clean though I don’t think that I am being honest with myself about it. I mean there’s not much that I see about who I am that I really dislike. Even stuff like being a rapist and a murderer (as well as being able to see myself raping someone I think that I could get angry and kill someone too) those are things that I don’t think are all that specific to me. I think most everyone has then somewhere they just don’t know it necessarily.

I certainly do dislike some parts of myself. I have been saying for the last week that I was going to start meditating and have I yet? No. I have been going out to the dam and running. Why? Because I want to be sexually attractive. I want some girl to like me. Does it matter to me how I fell? Yes, but that is far on down the list what drives me to run is the belief that I have to be the best at everything I do if I am to be lovable.

Intelligence has been a thing that I have been thinking about some. Kohlberg is tying into Piaget’s stages of development as a basis for the reasoning behind his theory and they both deal to some extent with intelligence. Here is a big like straight from Kohlberg, “all intellectually dull children are morally retarded but not all bright children are morally advanced.” I am not taking his sentence out of context; he meant exactly that.

Research that I read on the links (or rather non-existence of links) between meta-cognition and intelligence factor in here but I won’t go into that. One of the most important things about reading this book has been for me that I can tell that it is semi-thick and difficult to understand but I am doing very well with it and I am getting it fairly easily. Also reading Kohlberg’s style is really neat; he is a pretty hard-core T and I am hanging with him easily. (The neatest thing of all is to hear him say that the ramifications of his model philosophically are what I postulated that they are as well. I like being agreed with.) =) Plus he uses his much more extensive philosophical vocabulary and uses terms for concepts that I had to make up my own terms for.

Back to sexuality though; where I stand now… For about the first week that I was here I was surfing the news net pretty heavily and downloading lots of pornography. That and masturbating alot; on the whole though it didn’t seem to change anything. I would have periods of down time but not really any relief. The day before yesterday I discontinued masturbating and after a day of discipline the urges are fading alot. If I think about women specifically they come back pretty strong, but sex as an abstraction isn’t bad. I sound very T about it; that actual process hasn’t been so as much. I used the detachment some but alot of it as been emotional struggling.

I don’t feel as driven by it right now. I still feel the need very distinctly but I feel like I can shift the focus to other things.

My wishlist, my dream, my goal, if you will, is to meet a girl who challenges me intellectually and who is in touch somewhat with her sexuality. Surely there is some such girl alive and non-committed. =) I was talking to my aunt Sharon about it and she just told me to wait til I was 40, then I’d be beating them off my door. My mom reminded me that my dad didn’t get married til he was 32. To both of them a responded pppppbbt. I don’t want to wait 10 years. =) I reckon I won’t die in the interim (if so I’ll be dead so what’ll I care?)

Second choice at the moment would be just to find a sexual girl and mess around for a bit. I can get my brain kicks somewhere else.

I was talking to SP though and she was describing a conflict that was going on between her and Wayne and something that really stood out for me was both her and his capacity for critical self-analysis; not only to critique his actions and thoughts but her own as well. I know from experience with Wayne that he can do it but I haven’t heard S talk about it much. I think that skill is really important and it’s also on my wish list for a future involvement. I reckon if things aren’t going my way at least I can dream of a better tomorrow.

Anyhow, it’s late and I do seriously intend to go stare at the back of a door for a while. Goodnight all, thank you for listening.

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