dj: fucking hell

Good God Dammit. I am beginning to get very bitter. I am pissed. I want to beat on something or break stuff. I want to rebel at what is rapidly appearing to be my lot in life and don’t have any idea how to change things. Arrrg.

As best I can figure the only thing that I have felt truly bad about in the last year has been women. Goddammit! Things are coming together for me pretty well personally and professionally but for the life of me I cannot seem to get into a stable romantic relationship. *thunk**thunk*thunk* I want for things to just change and barring that I want to be able to devote my time somewhere to change things and I can’t find a way to do either.

S broke up with me today. She wants to just be friends. I am hurt. I am confused. I am angry. I am frustrated.

I knew that something was brewing she has not been communicative at all over the last few days. I didn’t know why. Thing have been very unstable throughout. I wanted a close and intimate relationship but I kept slowing down alot because I recognized that S had alot to deal with trust issues.

I think that I went fairly slowly though. We have been going out for I think about three weeks and haven’t even kissed. Actually I think that is one of the main points of contention. I think about thee time that she dropped out of communication is when I sent her something talking about sexual expression. I don’t remember it being all that bad but then again I tend to forget that different people have different tolerances.

I found it. I guess it could have been intimidating especially the uses of the words eroticism and sexuality. In general those are a no-no.

From:	TTU::WJH3957 "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)"  3-MAY-1999 15:45
To:	S WJH3957
Subj:	re: RE: last night

sometime during the night, you talked about kissing me. you asked me what i thought about kissing. and i might have given the wrong impression… or not. i don’t know what i said, i was pretty tired myself. anyway, for me, kissing is an expression of love. not just romantic love. love.

I remember parts of this. I was wondering, and have been wondering, where you sit with concepts regarding sexual expression.

For a brief run down on where I come from with this: you have different places in your mind that you can go to; different modes. Does it feel different in your body or in your head when you are angry than when you are happy or when you are sad? It does alot for me. There is a way of feeling that I have associated with sexuality. It is very hard to explain exactly what it feels like but I know the feeling.

In our society one of the stereotypes that is ofttimes put forth is that of the male fixated on erotic physicality and the female fixated on romantic spirituality. You have the lists of “What a man really means” and “What a woman really means” which illustrates this point rather well.

I don’t want to be that stereotype and even more that I fear that I don’t want to be perceived by you as being that stereotype. Also however I don’t want to neglect an aspect of myself that exists and that I enjoy. Trying to cut off sexuality is much like trying to cut off anger; it can’t truly be done for any length of time. At least as far as I’ve been able to tell.

Still though I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything that you don’t want to do.

Also, as you can tell there is alot of thinking in my talk about sexuality. Alot of thinking and alot of structure supported by external sources. Honestly this is a place where I am very uncertain. I don’t have what I consider to be any reliable experience and I am very scared of screwing up and making a mess.

I remember asking you about the erotic aspect of kissing not merely the filial one. I have a good deal of experience with filial relationships and doing interactions based on them is not particularly challenging. So kissing as a sign of affection and intimacy is a bit scary but it doesn’t require any real internal shift.

Kissing as an expression of eroticism does though. It goes from be affection in a filial sense to being an erotic one and that puts me definitely out of my element. =)

That is why I was focusing on that one. I’m not as worried about the other. =)

you said that you were going to leave that area up to me to first initiate in. and that is fine w/ me. actually, i like that quite a bit. but don’t worry, like i said i will kiss someone eventually. i will kiss you eventually.

That wasn’t exactly what I was meaning to say. What I think I was talking about was again the concept of initiating and saying that kissing was a really big one of those that was very frightening. I was saying that if you decided to take charge of that I would be more than happy to let you do so. =)

I wasn’t planning on playing waiting games with you though. Doing stuff like that gets a bit too close to power games for me in a place where I don’t think power games are healthy. If you’d like me to wait though I’d be fine with letting you be the one to be brave. =)

Thank you for replying to this. Hearing your recollections really helped clear up some things I couldn’t remember. =)

I love you.

Will

I’m not sure where I stand right now really. S’s most common defensive reaction to having her boundaries threatened by me was simple to say that she was not interested in a relationship and that she didn’t want to be involved at all. I figure that’s what happened this time. I haven’t to the best of my knowledge done anything that would warrant her breaking up with me other than making her feel too pressured.

A question that was running through my mind is whether or not she is right. Ought we to break up in my opinion. Well certainly if she is thoroughly convinced then we should but if she were to change her mind; what do I think about it. I really do like S alot. I enjoy spending time with her and I like going out with her. It is very hard for me to be natural around her though. I have always been scared that I’m gonna make her feel too pressured and that she’ll leave.

She is really nice and all but if she is not interested in the kind of involvement that I am then I don’t think that we ought to be going out. I am pretty sure that she’s not. I have been making mild inroads into forming attachments and being involved and I’ve felt most of the time like I was doing so on my own.

I don’t dislike her for it. She is coming from who she is and that is fine. Maybe it just isn’t the right time.

This journal as of this morning was going to be about D. I went in and saw Gloria (of the nursing dept.) and she suggested that I might try writing out a list of reasons that I am not satisfied with the relationship that I had/have with D and that I give it to her. She put it in terms of a broken object like a chair; I would make out a list of reasons why it is not to my satisfaction and then return it to the store.

She also recommended that I make this list into a formal letter ad sign it and present it to D but I didn’t/don’t feel balsy enough to do that.

I see that I still have alot of ties to D and she still hurts me alot.

[Btw, D and S both have been stricken from this list so I don’t second guess the things that I want to say.]

This morning she came into my room about 7:45 and I was still in bed half asleep and she complained at me for leaving the door to the laundry room open last night. It hurt a good deal. I had been lying in bed relaxing and enjoying the comfort of being through with my classes and the anger in her voice really cut into me. She has never talked to me about it being especially important to keep that door closed before and it was unnecessary for her to do what she did this morning.

I still feel like she turns on me to kick around when she gets hurt and I don’t like it. I think that I am going to enjoy her being gone this summer.

I thought this morning that I was just being sensitive and that I had messed up and deserved getting yelled at and then I was talking and Troy (a friend of D and Amy who I am getting to know) told me that he thought that D ought not to have done what she did. That made me feel better.

Things have been shifting with me in relation to D alot though and I like the shift. Last night she was admonishing me for the work that I did on the 370 project kinda saying kinda insinuating that I slacked off this last week and didn’t pull my weight. Rather than respond with my usual resignation and guilt I responded with a mixture of anger and guilt. =) (It’s a process, ok? If I had to be all the way fixed right away I’d just be screwed.)

I put in tons of time on that project, literally more than 100 hours. This last week I was matching D almost hour for hour and this was the first work that she had done this semester whereas all that I was doing was going through and writing about the work that I had already done.

It feels a bit strange to say that I am glad to be pissed at my friends but I much prefer it to the alternative of simply swallowing it and feeling bad. I wasn’t openly vocal about the fact that I resented her accusation but I did keep the anger and it showed in my voice.

Then she moved on to my working style and said that she and T had been talking about how I will have to adapt to the job market and this one hit a bit better. I do work rather spastically; when I am good I am damn good and when I am not I don’t do jack. I really did pretty good this last week making myself go in and work even when I was sick and tired of it. My 370 exam was late and my psych exam was late and my 240 program was late but thus far I have A’s in 370 and psych so I didn’t misjudge too badly.

I place alot of value in the quality of my work. I enjoy being a through programmer and making my work extensible and reusable. The program that was late for 240 was a very good program.

I am getting better at things not having to be perfect but it is still hard for me to do a job half way just to meet a time deadline. D was saying that I was going to get in trouble alot when I worked because I’m late often but I don’t think so. I mean for 340 (C++, my least challenging class and worst grade (C) this semester) I had the programs in on time well except for one (the reason for the C) which I just forgot about completely.

I paid attention to the people responsible for my deadlines and pushed the ones that I thought could be pushed. I didn’t ever go into physics and ask for an extension; I didn’t think I’d get it also I didn’t think that the quality of my work warranted it. Nearly everytime that I was late it was not for procrastinating but for going too slow.

As I said earlier though, I like how my life is going professionally. I feel confident in my skills as a programmer and I feel like I am headed in a good direction.

Women on the other and is a completely different matter. I really tried hard to form a stable relationship with S and I failed. She left. The fact that her leaving has alot to do with her personal issues is a yes, but. Yes, but I should have been able to make her comfortable. Yes, but if she had trusted me this wouldn’t have happened.

I have standards in relation to computer science. I have standards in relation to interacting with other people on a social level. I can tell what I am doing and I have points of reference for other people and I can contextualize. I can adapt to different situations.

I can’t do that with romantic relationships. I have never been in a longterm relationship. Well, I was in one with D but I was so mucked up dealing with other stuff that I didn’t learn diddly. Actually I did learn stuff, mainly new neuroses. =) But I have never been in what I consider to be a stable romantic relationship.

One of my fears is that I am screwing stuff up. With J, L, and S there has been a transition point about 3-4 weeks in that I never made it through. It seems like that would be the point about where the seriousness would shift and committment would be an issue (it definitely was an issue with L and S) that is the point where things fall apart. I am wondering if I have just been picking people who are not ready for committment or if I am doing something to make this happen?

Are my expectations too high? Am I pushing boundaries too much? Again, I really don’t have the context to know how other people do these kinds of things.

Arrg. One of the things that Gloria called me on was identity formation processes. She was talking about eggshells and trying to identify them and something, but she was talking about the formation of identity. =) I think I’m gonna ask her tomorrow if she’ll use real psych words.

I think that I do have some of the Identity v. Confusion battle worked out (I did Ericson for my psych final) in some parts of my life but romantically certainly not. I don’t know who I am in that arena. Identity is formed through experience and mine is limited. I wanted to pose questions about the linearity of the model seeing as I am trying both I v. C and Intimacy v. Isolation but thought it wiser simply to get my A and get out. =) I would say though that upon examining my actin and thoughts that I have had a definite focus on Identity in all of my relationships. I have been trying to figure out who I am and how I interact.

This leaves me yet again among the great masses of single guys. Ah well, it would have been fun to get to play with S over the summer but I reckon I can find other stuff to occupy my time. The usual despair hasn’t really set in. I don’t feel very bad about being single, there is a bit of lass and scarcity but it is not too bad.

I haven’t really had any down time yet though either. It might get worse then. I realized when I was putting my schedule in my plan file that I am going to have truly copious amounts of free time. I work ’til 12:00 then on t/r I have physics lab from 2-5, other than that I am a free spirit. It will prove interesting I think.

Well, I think that i have written enough for the time being. A quick question. For those of you who cry, do your eyes ever sting before you cry? I have been sitting a coup[le of times today and my eyes have been stinging and I have felt like I might be going to cry but I can’t really tell. It’s been a while.

I’ll close with the latest message that I set S. I feel markedly less bitter since then.

I’m feeling a bit disillusioned and bitter so I’ll keep it short. I did make it to the UC and waited around for about an hour. In my time there I wrote down some of the questions that I had. I don’t think that they are especially vitriolic so I’ll write them.

Questions:
Why?
What was wrong?
What do you hope to gain?
What did I do?
Why?
Was it not fun?
Did you feel pressured?
Do you not like the idea of romance?
What does romance mean to you?
Was I...
    too arrogant?
    too detached?
    not loving enough?

What did you feel like I was looking for?

Than on the back there is my question of the hour which is addressed to God though perhaps you have some information…

What am I looking for in a relationship that is unreasonable enough that other people leave so as to avoid giving it? Do I use people and not know it?

I’m hurting a bit but I knew that this was the risk that I ran by getting involved. I’m gonna go now and try to sort through stuff some.

Love Will

Thank you all for listening to me, now and all the other times that I go through romance messes. =)

Love Will

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