Archive for May, 1999

q: sitting

What exactly are you supposed to do when you meditate. I know that you think you’ve been over this, but you’ve been over this is the abstract intuitive kind of way that you have such a penchant for and that leaves me ofttimes without even an inkling of the topic covered.

I sat last night and it is my third night in a row. This is for me fast approaching a new record.

I have only been sitting for 10 minutes though. I sit and count my breath until something tells me that it is time to get up. I usually try to sit for longer but it doesn’t go away usually so I go to bed.

Last night was a new experience. I fell asleep in the living room and dragged myself to bed. I was lying there and thinking about the fact that I was going to miss meditating if I went to sleep. Before I have had this conversation with myself and have ended up just going to sleep. Last night though I ran through a chain of thought that I have every so often, seeing my life as a series of individual choices each of which is integral to shaping the person that I will become. It is not the consequences of the choice that matter so much as it is the person that I agree to become by making the choices.

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q: women

When father Don came to visit he was talking about speaking and not remembering what he was saying after he had been talking. You said that this related in some way to flow if my memory serves.

While I was at home I went out with this girl and a couple of times during the evening I would look at the clock and be surprised at how much time had passed. It happens on the rare occasions that I am around her that I lose time. It seems as though hours literally pass as minutes. One time I was with her for 8 hours and I would have sworn that it was less than an hour for all I could remember.

I really like this girl and I fear that I am constructing things to make our relationship seem more special than it is. I can’t tell if these things happen all over the place and I am just choosing to see them here or if this is something that is really special. I will say that for as long as I have known this girl, being around her makes me feel unlike anything that I have experienced elsewhere.

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sj: =)

I rarely wrote except to express my frustration or disappointment over something. Or perhaps the wax philosophical for a bit. It is truly rare for me to write and say how cool things are but yesterday was an especially cool day and I want to say a couple of words.

Yesterday I was due to come back with Amy at around 3:00 but it turned out to be her father’s birthday so she decided to wait a day. This left me all packed up with no place to go. So I was contemplating my fate out loud and my mother suggested that I go to the theatre. There is a place called the Barter Theatre in Abingdon, VA which does pretty fancy theatre, not just a bunch of people getting together and putting on a play (well essentially it is as it seems that is the only way it could be =) I am trying to make a point about the professionalism.) =)

Anyhow, I had been going to have a friend come and visit and she was due to come by about 6:00 but she was late and it struck me that there was another girl who I hadn’t seen in a really long time that I would really like to see.

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j: segmentation fault — sex

In Linux if a program encounters an error that it is not equipped to handle then this ofttimes results in a segmentation fault and the response to a segmentation fault is to dump the core which contains all the system information at that time in the hopes that information will be useful in debugging the program and figuring out why the error occurred.

Something is wrong with me right now. Usually I maintain at least some level of fluidity in my operation but since I have gotten home things have not been running right. My performance is fine. I am doing fine interacting with my family and adapting to the change in environment, but something is not performing correctly. I feel wrong.

Honestly this happens about every time that I come home. While I am at school my cognition changes and develops in response to the stimuli specific to that environment but because of a certain homogeneity in my peer group there are certain situations that the new ways of thinking don’t get tested in. When I come home a good many changes get put through another set of tests and there are nearly always bugs to be worked out.

So, this is my core dump. I ask that you try to read it with as little judgement as you can muster. I have not done this with as varied a group as this for a very long while. I am a nice guy. If you leave this with that idea then we’re cool. =) When I wrote I try to be as open as I can be about the workings of myself. As best I can figure nearly all of my problems seem to be tied to things that I am resisting dealing with. Being open with them and not treating them as unspeakable not only lets other people see what is going on with me but it changes my capacity to see. For me the process of keeping something hidden from the world also serves to keep it hidden from myself.

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re: book contents

Here’s the info on the latest book that I am reading. Seems to be interesting so far. I have said for a while that there are deep philosophical ramifications for Kohlberg to claim a moral standard that transcends culture-specificity. His first essay (which is the only one not written specifically for this book) recognizes that and talks about it. It is really neat to hear him discuss the different philosophical stances in terms of his model.

Moral Development, Moral Education, and Kohlberg: Basic Issues in Philosophy, Psychology, Religion, and Education. Edited by Brenda Munsey. Published by Religious Education Press; 1980.

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books

I went by McKay’s yesterday on my way back from Cookeville (and on my to the Dave Matthews concert; Dave Matthews is cool.) I picked up a book called Moral Development, Moral Education, and Kohlberg thus far I’ve read the preface and it looks like it’ll be interesting.

Interesting things learned thus far; Kohlberg as part of his research set up guidelines for moral education to be conducted socially, like in schools and what not, and when he first set them up he said we ought to teach towards K6, then after some time he said that ‘Well, hardly anybody out here in the real world seems to be getting to K6 so we’ll teach to K5.’ And at the time of the printing of this book 1980 it was down to K4. =)

This book is a series of essays in part presented to show flaws in Kohlberg’s moral education scheme. There is however at the end a reply by Kohlberg who got to read all of this and then speak on it. I think that one of the most interesting articles will be one by James Fowler which compares his model of faith development to Kohlberg’s moral model.

The book uses lots of big words though, here is a sentence that took a dictionary to understand and I’m still not sure I have it: =) “I argue that developmental psychology’s study of moral judgement would be better served if its paradigm incorporated pragmatic, rather than formalistic, epistemological criteria in interpreting the greater adequacy of emergent cognitive structures.” (I didn’t know what exactly epistemological meant.)

Anyhow, that’s what I’m up to. Hope that everyone’s having fun.

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dj: fucking hell

Good God Dammit. I am beginning to get very bitter. I am pissed. I want to beat on something or break stuff. I want to rebel at what is rapidly appearing to be my lot in life and don’t have any idea how to change things. Arrrg.

As best I can figure the only thing that I have felt truly bad about in the last year has been women. Goddammit! Things are coming together for me pretty well personally and professionally but for the life of me I cannot seem to get into a stable romantic relationship. *thunk**thunk*thunk* I want for things to just change and barring that I want to be able to devote my time somewhere to change things and I can’t find a way to do either.

S broke up with me today. She wants to just be friends. I am hurt. I am confused. I am angry. I am frustrated.

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