Archive for April, 1999

re: RE: sj: detaching

From:	A
To:	TTU::WJH3957
Subj:	RE: sj: detaching

stay away from D. why are you talking with her anyway?

I live with D. I have 3 classes with D. I am working on a major coding project with D. I see D all the bloody time. It is not feasible for me not to speak to her. Like I said before though; I am not working on attaching with D; just the opposite. I am working on attachment with S.

Last night we were talking because she was upset with me over ignoring her for the last week and over how I have been acting with J. She wanted to talk to me and we were in the kitchen; if I remember correctly the conversation began with “Does our friendship mean nothing to you?” Somehow off of that we got involved in a rather serious conversation.

keep writing!

I thought priority #1 was passing my classes at this point. =P (Actually it is really near the top. Growth and grades are vying and I am swapping off when I get burned out on one.)

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reply to a letter from S

I’m not sure exactly why I’m sending this to you two or what I hope to gain from this; just that I am new to this kind of stuff and am quite frankly scared out of my mind. So if anything strikes you about this, let me know.

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sj: detaching

Last night I talked to D for a bit. Well, argued I’d say. I couldn’t say exactly what the point in contention would be. D does not like how I have been acting with J, but I don’t especially like how I have been acting with J and I didn’t try to act as though my record were immaculate.

I really do not have the time to go into that with any depth right now. I have got to get some major work done by thursday, so I mention it only for context.

The main reason that I am taking time now to write is that I want S to understand where I am coming from and what I am doing. I love her and I want to stay communicative about what is going on. Especially this because I don’t know that she understands what it means to me.

I feel so very T since last night; very detached and analytical. But again that is something that I am going to go into maybe on friday or later. This week and getting things accomplished is crucial to my grades. I do not think that my putting off dealing with this is (entirely) running from pain. I don’t think.

The story that keeps coming to mind is long ago just after D and I had broken up I had a hard time understanding why she didn’t want to be around me. We were not really fighting or anything though it was uncomfortable for us to be in proximity. I was focused very much on wanting to build a friendship and keep some kind of a relationship going. Most of what I was doing was not wanting to have to face being out of the relationship.

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lj: yesterday

I am wanting to write some thoughts about stuff that happened last night, but before I do so I want to give some context for the day. This first little bit is two e-mail messages that I sent to S (for those of you who don’t know I am going out with S so when I talk about S that is in general who I am talking about unless the context obviously defines otherwise.)

So here is the first message:

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sj: conflict

My morning got icky about the time D came to visit. I decided this morning about 9:00 that I wanted to try and submit an ethics paper that I wrote for national conference. I wasn’t going to because I didn’t think that it was good enough to get accepted, but I sat around for a while and thought about it and decided that I ought just to suck it up and if they don’t like it then I’m no worse off than if I had not tried.

I’m still scared about doing it, but I am going to go ahead with it. I truly enjoy teaching and helping people to see things that they hadn’t before. I got to deliver this paper at state conference and I loved standing in front of everyone and talking about what I had been thinking and seeing them get involved and enjoy discussing it. If I would get to do this at nationals it would be awesome and because I like the idea so much I get afraid of trying for it because I don’t want to get my hopes up. You ever do that?

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j: S

Well, here I am.

Where am I; where do I want to go from here? I’m not so sure on that part. I want to figure it out. =)

I have been writing to S for the past couple of weeks and going out and doing stuff with her sometimes and I like her. I enjoy talking to her and I identify strongly with where she is coming from.

Last night I asked her to come over to watch a movie and I drove over to her dorm to pick her up. When we got back to the house we sat in the driveway for a bit and talked.

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for: hiding things

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 10-APR-1999
To:	S
Subj:	re: dwb

a big indicator w me is that i will start to say something and then not finish it…it usually gets to the point of me starting to say it. then i decide not to, but it is usually noticeable that i was about to say something. 🙂

If I notice it sometime I might ask you if you were about to say something, though I bet that would probably make you uncomfortable. I mean would would have just decided not to say it and I’d be bugging you about it. I might do it anyway. =)

If you want to catch when I am hiding something watch for periods of intuitive leaping. When I find that I don’t want to talk about something alot of the time I will test other subjects that are related to the one that I don’t want to talk about and find out what the reaction to those is. Or if I really don’t want to talk about it I’ll end up talking about the reasons that I don’t want to talk about it.

Like with J (who I fear that I am leading on) every so often in our conversations I will start feeling like I am leading her on and that I ought to talk to her about it but it is a really scary prospect. What usually ends up happening is I flip over and say that there is a special corner of hell reserved for irresponsible people. It never has had anything to do with what we are talking about, but when I start thinking about the nature of my interactions with her I start thinking about how irresponsible I might be being and what it would say about me to be that kind of person.

But I am not comfortable talking about those things with J so I end up talking about hell. =)

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impecability

One thing that I keep coming back to over and over is a concept which is called by Casteneda in his Ixlan series “impeccability.” Essentially it is doing what you say that you are going to do; maintaining consistency between who you say that you are and how you act.

My latest bout with impeccability has to do with an upcoming biomedical conference that I have been trying to get people to go to.

My father works for King Pharmaceuticals and he has gotten the majority of the money to sponsor this conference. He wanted me to go and asked me if I could find a way to get here. I told him that I did want to go and would work on finding a way down.

The thing is that as of late I do not want to go.

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being here this summer

I am now officially going to be here this summer. I don’t have all of my job details worked out yet, I hope to get a job programming with the EdTech center, but I have to go talk to Billy Tindall, but I have a backup now of working wiring the dorms if all else fails.

So I will be around. If you’ve got any gardening kinds of things I am interested. I am trying not to over commit or over schedule myself, but I am interested in gardening.

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j: J

Lord help me for I am in way over my head, scared, and afraid that I am about to screw up in a royal way.

I feel trapped and I don’t know what to do. I’ll run over what happened last night and try to find some way to deal with it. Where to begin…

The first time that I knew about J I think was through N. He has gone off and on being infatuated with her through the last year or so. In general I recognized that she was fairly tied to her church and since I didn’t get along well with very religious people in general I didn’t seek to hang out with her much.

I would see her on occasion when she would be hanging out with N and he would come to visit. I talked with her some and she seemed to be a fairly normal person. She believed in Catholicism and she lived at home and had ties to her parents.

Time has passed and at some point she started to like me.

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