(very)lj: last night

I want to write some about my experiences last night. I want to write as truthfully and as openly as I can and not censor the thoughts in my mind. This means for those of you who I am sending this to that what I am going to be writing will be as I think that truth is a mixture of positives and negatives. Once upon a time I thought that it was important for me to say exactly what was on my mind to the whole world. I don’t think that anymore, but the occasional practice of radical honesty with those that one trusts is an important practice I think.

To begin with the crux of the matter. I like D. I enjoy doing things with her and I would like to have some kind of a romantic relationship with her.

The crux of the crux is that she does not want that with me. I hear her talking about liking all kinds of other guys and it sincerely confuses me why it is that she does not find me attractive.

I have been hurting really badly for the last couple of days. I have all kinds of energy set loose in my body and I have not been able to get it out. I feel stuff in the pit of my stomach most of the time and on one level I like the fact that I am at least experiencing things in some rudimentary way, but on others I just hurt alot and I want to stop.

I have been feeling very alone for the last little bit. I don’t like talking about such things because I want to present myself as a stable and likable person. I have a constant filter running right now in the back of my mind trying to figure out what it is about me that D doesn’t like. Maybe I seem too needy.

This really is a challenge to my understanding of the world. I have a structure built where I am an attractive person and I get along well with D and those two things together should mean that she likes me. But it is not equating, why?

I have rational structures out the wazoo. Maybe I am delusioned about my attractiveness. Maybe just getting along with someone doesn’t equate to liking. Maybe she is committed to different values than I am. It matters alot to me to be out on my own and not simply a product of my society. I want to really believe in the things I live for; for myself and not because everyone else does.

The other day I was in the lounge and I was playing around with people and as I was going out the door I said something that was too loud. It was during the day and classes were going on. Andrew was coming in the door behind me and he was angry at me for being loud. He commanded me to get back n the lounge and to be quiet. He was very much being an angry parent and I promptly became an angry child. I felt it happen. I heard his tone and saw his face and it stirred within me old feelings resenting being controlled and told what to do. In the course of about a second I cycled through about 5 different stages. I reacted and then I felt the reaction and I saw why I was reacting then I switched to Andrew’s feelings then I switched back to mine then I calmed down and blew it off like it didn’t matter.

I have been experiencing empathy more in the last couple of days. I feel what I think other people feel like. I went and watched the movie Pi and it was like dying inside. The guy hurt so much and there was nothing that he could do to fix himself. I felt knotted up on the inside. I also went to watch Blast From The Past last night and the main character was innocent and energetic and I got really into his mood watching him.

Something that I have noticed is that I am bottling most of my negative emotions. Right now I am sad and angry and hurt about D but the main way that I can tell is the the pit of my stomach feels knotted up and I am really down in my mind. I still don’t know how to cry and don’t know what to do about the way I feel.

But to go back to my confrontation with Andrew I recognized that most of the people who I know who are holing leadership positions are people who are interested in maintaining the status quo. They are interested in being a part of the system as it is now. I guess that’s how they got to where they are. D is one of those people.

It sounds wrong to say that Andrew’s concern about the other people in the building was selfish, surely it could have been an expression of respect. I don’t think that it was. It was an expression of self-righteousness. He was right in his mind to treat me like a child and demean me in his mind because my behavior was not satisfactory to him. I think that having consideration for others is important. I think that the place that Andrew was sitting when he was coming at me was not that place.

Granted as I replay the scene the idea of punching him in the head is one of my favorite alternate endings, so more than likely I still have resentments tied to the event.

I would say though that I value being internally centered rather than externally. That much is true regardless of the people around me.

To move more into what happened last night. It started at the end of my helpdesk shift when I started sending to D. She was talking about her upcoming decision to break up with L and where she was standing on that. I came over to the lounge and she and Wayne and S were sitting on the orange couch outside of the honors lounge. I sat down with them and it felt nice to be included though I still felt really bad because I liked D.

Before going to the movie I went to Walmart with V to get money and I felt like I was coming loose. I walked around being really serious and talking to V on a level that I knew he couldn’t understand and liking the fact that I was better than him to be able understand the very clear dialogue that I was having that he was not quick enough to follow. Then I quieted down and I explained to him what I had been telling him.

I hate this. I hate writing this. I hate sounding like I am a selfish prick who deserves the suffering that I am going through. I don’t want to lie though. I am going to try my best not to lie. It did make me feel good to prove to myself that I was smarter than V.

I also explained what was going on though and I let the duality slip.

I look at how I have been acting and I am so unstable. I am all the way up one minute and all the way down the next. I go from uncaring to compassionate to happy to sad to confused to lucid. It really used to bother me to be like this because I would ask “who would want to be with a person who is like me?” Now that I ask the question I still don’t know that there is, I don’t know anyone else who has done this kind of thing when I have been around them, I don’t think that many girls would find it attractive. But it doesn’t bother me for some reason even then because it is me and I want it to be a part of me.

I keep finding little spots of self confidence and grounding in myself and I wonder at them. Then I usually switch pretty quick to “why doesn’t D see this and like it?”

That’s one of the biggest things, I have done all of this before. This situation and this way of thinking is almost exactly what I was like just after D broke up with me. I was pining away and she was devoting her attentions elsewhere as I schemed deviously off in the corner trying to think of a way to make her like me.

I don’t like being like this really. I don’t like being D’s lap dog. I want to be my own person and able to let go.

That is one of the questions that V asked me as I was raving last night, “are you in love?” My first reaction was “no, of course not, I don’t fall in love, that may happen to some other people, but mot to me, I am too emotionally repressed” then, recognizing my bias I really thought about it. I now have four times when I have really liked a girl and it has really affected my thinking. Once in high school with L, after D broke up with me, towards the end of my relationship with L (and it was the main reason that we stopped seeing each other), and now with D again.

Looking at these themes is changing how I see myself. I don’t see myself as cut off and isolated from the rest of the world as I did, or at least I see other themes in my life other than just being cut off and alone.

Well, actually all of these infatuations have not been reciprocated so I guess I do see myself as cut off and alone. I do not see myself as completely isolating myself though and that was something that I believed before.

One of my biggest questions has to do with the basis of this attraction in myself. D is very flirtatious and manipulative sexually. It makes me wonder if I could do the kinds of sexual manipulations that she does, but I do not think that girls would be as open to it as guys are. I really am open to it though.

I have mentioned a couple of times that I wondered what my view of J would be like if she were more open about her sexuality. Would I like her more and be more willing to overlook the difference in our philosophies. The think is that her philosophy is the reason that she is so closed sexually. I dislike closedness and living you life because someone else told you to be that way, be it your parents or the Catholic church. Being open sexually (in a non need controlled way) is a part of being an open person. Nobody is without sexual desires.

I want just to have her out of my head. I want not to be attached to her. I want not to care about her. I want not for every time someone of her body type walks through the door in front of me for me to look up wanting it to be her.

These times are about the closest I have ever come to being a romantic. Though I haven’t really had an avenue for expressing these kinds of feelings since I shifted some of my fears of intimacy around. I kinda tried with L, but she was tied to being unattached and my attempts ultimately were met with the demise of our relationship.

Before when I was trying to get over L I tried going out and doing things with different people. I went and had coffee with several girls and that helped calm me down some. None of them were potentials for dating, but it helped for me to ground myself in other people. That I think is part of the reason now that I am feeling so bad. I do not see many people and I do not have many friends who I interact with. D has been a fairly constant and large part of my experience, I think that being grounded in her and having her reject me and not being able to shift those grounds is one of the reasons I hurt so much.

A big part of the reason though is just that I hurt because I choose to. Because I like this mad painful whirlwind of emotions better than I like being disconnected and isolated from the world and also because I want one day to have a real relationship with a girl and that is not going to be possible if I run away from my problems now.

To move forward with the narration of last night by the time that V and I got to the movie theatre I was pretty worked up. I went in and gave Wayne a hug and babbled some about what it is like when you take a jack-in-the-box and cram him down until he explodes and goes all over the place.

I was talking really loud and it bothered Wayne and he pointed out the other people in the theatre. A theme that recurred throughout the day beginning with Andrew was that of socialization; its values and its dangers. I looked at the people and assessed the situation (the previews were still on) and I decided that no-one would suffer unduly if I continued so I went over and talked to David. He asked me what was going on and a little speech about socialization came out. It felt like I was reciting though to the best of my knowledge I have never experienced what I said before. It was really strange.

I sat down and D came back and sat beside me for a minute and it really moved my head around. Her approach was alot more supporting than any that had been used on me before and the fact that it was her through me for a loop as well. I hit alot of pain and confusion. I tried to curl up in a ball in the seat. She had her hand across mine and I wanted to touch her, but I knew that if I did and if I liked it that she was going to be gone in a minute so I shouldn’t.

That was why I went to where I did I think. I didn’t want to drop into the pain. I really needed someone to rely on and D was the one who I felt comfortable with and I knew that she wouldn’t stay around because she is trying to maintain her boundaries.

Wayne wrote a while back about guys and girls using hormone kicks to power growth work and I think that it is very true. All the attachment and energy can be focused very easily into that kind of stuff.

I sat in the back of the theatre for a while and tired to figure out what to do. I had so many different things going on in my mind I didn’t know what to do.

It reminded me of when I first came here to Tech and I was intuitive off the wall. I would keep things very ungrounded and very loose and it kept me from having to attach to anything or commit to anything. My mind didn’t feel clouded and fuzzy though, just very very fast.

I sat and as I watched the movie I started to get into the main character. In the plot he is raised in a bomb shelter for 35 years and when he comes out he has an appreciation for many aspects of life that people have experienced all of their life and forgotten the magic of. I thought about the concept of willed naivety and of seeing things as new and not being old inside. I liked the idea. Alot of what I liked about it was the idea of being able to experience things unclouded and not get stuck mucking about in pain like I was before. By the time the movie was over my mind had shifted. I noticed that nobody else claps their hands when they like a scene in a movie. I really hadn’t noticed that I did.

I was in a pretty good mood after the movie but it only lasted for a couple of minutes. David started talking and my mind started racing again. The racing was going on all the time, but I was holding part of it still for a while.

We went out to the parking lot and D was being touchy with H, that really kicked things into gear. David suggested going to the waffle house and I took off down the side of the road and went to the waffle house. Everyone else drove and got there a little bit ahead of me.

A very interesting shift from the last time I did this with D is that instead of asking the question “what the hell is wrong with me?” as much I instead have been wondering a more general statement of “what is going on with this situation?” or alot of times “what the hell is wrong with her?” Before I took most of the brunt myself and said that everything was my fault because I was so screwed up. I give alot more credit now though to theories that take into account problems that might be messing D up.

I was thinking about writing this earlier today and I remembered the writing that I did over the winter break when I knew that D was going to break up with me and start going out with L. I talked alot about how tied D was to rules and how maybe L was a better match for her because he liked rules alot more than I did and that being the kind of person that he was was not what I wanted to do with my life. I talked about being driven to change and to grow and that I didn’t think that those were really high priorities in L’s life. I said that perhaps she would go out with him and maybe even they’d get married, but I thought that some passion would be missing.

The things that D was talking about being frustrated with not having with L are pretty much the same things that I thought would be lacking. It was a boost to my concept of my predicting skills to come close to the mark.

I really don’t know B though. A seems to think him competent and he has a general reputation as a golden child among the freshman to whatever extent that is possible with such a strong group. Also though he has a reputation for being a fluff ball and for being driven by his needs especially for women. As best I can tell (as I certainly have a bias given my present situation) he is a pretty neat guy but way too far of into the magical F land for my tastes. It feels delusional and ungrounded. It sounds though like he is coming down some. I think that were he to go out with D she would certainly have an affect on his thinking processes.

That was another of my theories. One of the more negative. It goes the the control freak side of D is far from dead, but merely hiding dormant under the surface so that she can maintain an illusion of sociability. It is still in her unconscious mind important to her to maintain control so she is attracted to someone who does not have the capacity to dominate her. Which from my brief experience of the freshmen most of them don’t, which is very understandable, they are mostly just starting at this kind of stuff.

It seems like most of my theories tend towards dichotomy. Either I look bad or she looks bad.

To tell more story though, once I was in the waffle house I sat down with V and David and Wayne and started talking. I was only there for a couple of minutes and I could hear D talking about B behind us and I couldn’t take it. I think that it was even the sound of her voice that set me off.

I was sitting there and I was and am torn between my desire to attach and my conscious knowledge that if I do I will be rejected. Both are really strong and being around D and hearing her and watching her interact with people sets it off. Again I don’t like writing these things because I don’t like sounding like a needy pathetic freak especially since I am going to send this to D and deep down somewhere these is the glimmer of hope that she might like me sometime. I think it is trying to maintain that glimmer is what is killing me; I am not letting it go. I am still trying to act so as to maximize the potential for her liking me and it is not true to me. What I really was feeling was torn up inside and it was over D. That is true and I am going to own it.

That moves into what I was talking about later. I started thinking about Casteneda and the stuff that he describes about people of power. A very big part of being a person of power is being centered in yourself rather than the world around you. Socialization or at least being bound by socialization as most people are.

It was interesting to talk to David and Wayne and see the different places that they were coming from. Wayne did not like me being as loud as I was in the restaurant. My volume was not that high, but the ideas that I was expressing were nontraditional to say the least. David was alot more comfortable about it and I started thinking about stuff.

I wasn’t thinking like I normally think, like I am thinking now, I was intuitive out the wall and everything almost was in a body sensation that moved around and fitted with other things. I am not sure how different I appeared to be on the outside, but on the inside it was certainly different.

Another thing that kept coming up was the reflection of the conversation upon itself. As I would talk and people would respond I could feel my thoughts take on different flavors in my head and move around and how I talked and what I heard affected how things moved.

I went over to the juke box with David and he told me that he loved me and it pulled me so much. I couldn’t hardly stand. Then I turned around and saw D sitting behind me and I thought for a second I was going to pass out. I had to close my eyes and feel along the wall to get back to my seat.

One of the things that has impressed me the most about David is his caring. He has been unreservedly supportive of me throughout in a way that no-one else has. And I have not given him the best feedback. Most of the time I have been trying to stay stable and have been afraid and I think that I came across as disinterested. I still get very uncomfortable with expressions of intimacy and he does these things.

Again, just hearing D’s voice pulled me around alot and I was very open to being moved. I didn’t want to. The image that I could see that I was moving ever closer to was the edge of a cliff. I did not want to go over the edge. I wanted to keep things unattached and not think about D at least not in a way that hurt. I didn’t want to attach to her knowing that she was not going to be there for me.

Good lord, this is almost exactly what I wrote a year ago. I think that is meaningful. I haven’t focused much on unresolved aspects of our relationship before, I think that they are important in understanding where I am coming from and probably in relation to where D is too. I dislike living in the past, and yet my dislike seems to do little to change my situation.

I would really like to connect more with my negative emotions. I feel as though I am missing something not having deep feelings of pain and sorrow. I am much more emotional than I was once upon a time, but still I would like to change.

I am getting tired now. I can’t think of much else that I really need to say except perhaps a brief close.

Where do I go from here? I would really like to get straightened out. I am trying very hard to convince myself that there is no possibility of romance between myself and D. I think that if I spent much more time around her that ought to happen soon. Seeing her interacting with other guys hurts too much for me to keep that open.

I think I have at least a couple days of pining left to do. It is an interesting way to be. I’ll miss it in a way though I would certainly be happier in a working relationship. This writing has helped me. Thank you for listening.

-Will

David was incredulous at our last book group meeting that I could have written more than 10,000 words on RLT well, in the last three journals I’ve written over 10,000 words. Loquacious sucker, ain’t I?

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