re: orphaned

This weekend has been fairly interesting for me on the whole. I spent yesterday and the day before at research and going there feeling as torn up as I did about D really changed alot. She was there for the first part of the weekend and being around her disrupted my thinking a whole lot. I had a really hard time focusing on anything other than her presence. She left though for most of the weekend and my thoughts about her shifted more into the back of my mind.

I got to talk to Wayne alot over the weekend and that was cool. Another really cool thing was my group; it was led by Mel and H and it included myself, Amy, Shannon, and for the last part of the weekend Neil. I was really quiet for the first part of the weekend and I didn’t talk in the meetings much. I was to the point where I really just wanted to be off by myself and I was thinking about leaving, but I decide that before I would I would give a really good shot at my group meeting, so I went in and said that I was feeling really down because there was a girl who I liked who didn’t like me back. I talked about some of the things that I was thinking about and some of my questions.

Having done that I felt a whole lot better. I felt alot closer to the group and talked alot more. The person who impressed me the most was Mel. She was very supportive and yet honest with me and I appreciated that. I felt close to her and I liked the feeling.

Alot of stuff about closeness and intimacy has been shifting over the last couple of days. I desire alot more to be open around people. The real conflict has been between to be close to people and to have them like me, and to be centered in myself and not be pulled around by what everyone else things of me.

I was walking around my house the other day and all of my thoughts were in the context of how I would act if someone were watching me and I wanted them to get a good impression of me. The focusing statement would not have been “what do I want?” but “what will get me liked?” and I was completely alone. I stopped for a bit and tried to think of what it was that I wanted to do, but really I couldn’t think of anything. Codependence is a really big problem for me. I think of myself not in terms of myself, but in terms of how other people see me. Doing something just for me is something I have a hard time grasping.

This morning I got up and took a shower and then I sat for about 15 minutes and tried to meditate. On the whole I think that it went ok. I didn’t think as much about what it was that meditation ought to feel like. Instead I just tried to feel whatever would come. I ended up with the thought that for the time that I was sitting there the only thing that mattered was my breath. I wasn’t going to think about my computer programs or my philosophy or D for that time because I had my whole life for those other things and I was devoting this time to my breathing. So whenever something came up I just moved past it. I thought alot, but in relation to my limited meditation experience I think that it went well.

I am still hesitant to commit to meditating. I know my potential to allow my goals to fall by the way side and I do not want to give my word to myself that I will do something if I will not stick to it. Casteneda has been writing about being impeccable and that matters to me. I want for my word to mean something. I want to know that it means enough to me for me to commit to it before I make that decision.

After I got through I went and laid down on my bed and my mind was definitely in a different place. I think that I have a certain way of thinking coded into that position because most of the time when I do I start to feel empty inside and want for D to come and be with me. But as I was laying there I started thinking again about my breath and as things would come up trying to get me to feel empty I was focused on my breath and I felt whole inside. I lay there until I fell asleep which I think took about 5 minutes.

A side note before I continue; as I mentioned before I stopped masturbating for lent and I have seen definite changes in my thinking since I stopped. I think that I was releasing some energy that was driving me to change by masturbating and when I stopped letting it out it was the little push needed. I expected other expressions of release of sexual energy to increase mainly wet dreams, but they didn’t. In general I have one wet dream every couple of months; very infrequently. I had one the first day of lent and I have not had one since other than this morning.

When I laid down I had a dream where I was sitting on a couch and someone (male, Wayne maybe) was sitting beside me and H was lying with her legs across both of us. I felt uncomfortable and uncertain. The feeling was the same as most of the time when I am being physically intimate with someone. I didn’t want to like it to much. I didn’t want to let go and relax. I think that this is the same problem with wanting to get close to someone for fear of being left.

So, anyway, there were a pair of legs in my lap and one of my arms was lying more up towards her stomach. (All of this was feeling, I couldn’t really see anything, like if I was doing it all with my eyes closed.) I was very conscious about my hand because I knew that the closer you get to a persons head the more likely you are to invade their personal space and upset them; I was very afraid of upsetting her. Then something shifted and I just kinda let my hand lay there. There was a stuffed animal in her lap and I petted it some on top of its head.

This is difficult describe because it was very much a set of sensations and transforming it into words is altering it. When I get uncomfortable around people I feel inside like the composition of myself changes. Like if I am uncertain about touching someone it feels like my arm is made out of iron and it is unwieldy and insensitive. It felt this was in my dream, but it feels like that awake too. When I shifted in my dream though my arm was supple and I could feel with it. It felt warm and malleable. I have felt that way on very rare occasions, one of which was this weekend when I went up to put my arm around Wayne and I had no fear whatsoever that he would reject me. I like feeling that way.

The erotic part of the dream had not begun yet. With H the feelings were very much friendship and just intimacy there wasn’t any sexual arousal. I was just enjoying being close to her in the same way that I enjoy being close to Wayne (I about typed S I am not sure why.) D came in then and she sat down in front of me and somehow by how she was sitting the back of her head was very near my penis. (Again most of this dream was in terms of sensations, I didn’t see any of this really, I felt it happening and knew who the people were. I didn’t ever see anything really.) As D was sitting there we interacted for a little bit simple transactions, then I started to realize that I was getting sexually aroused. I did not want to because I knew that D did not like me sexually and would not like it if I felt those things. I tried to stop it for a while but I got an erection and D knew it. She didn’t respond really, but she moved her head around some and I ejaculated.

That was the end of my dream. I woke back up then and felt funny. I didn’t feel as empty inside even though I had just been thinking sexuality and in general when I do that part of my mind tells me that nothing is going to happen for me sexually for a while and I feel empty. What was interesting for me was the time frame; we have been studying dreams in my psychology class and the usual run for a sleep cycle to get to REM sleep is an hour and a half, but I was only asleep for about 20 minutes.

But, I began this journal to write about the orphan archetype. Last night I read both the orphan and the innocent as per your request and the orphan really spoke to me. All the talk about feeling like ti is not possible to be satisfied with life and choosing to live a degraded life because one has lost hope really hit me hard. I feel like that alot.

Last night I went to see the Elephant Man with J and M and after the play I we ran into D and Matt and I was talking to the four of them about the meaning of the play and no-one really knew what the play was about. I mean it’s not that they disagreed with me it is that they didn’t even have a guess. I don’t understand how; the play was almost didactic the themes were so obvious, at least I was thinking so until I tried to talk to them. I feel like that alot; unchallenged and misunderstood. I don’t talk anymore in class. In psychology we were having discussions about social issues and I had opinions but I didn’t want to talk because I was listening to the other people talk and I didn’t think that anything I would say would be understand. They are using a different system to make their decisions and while my system can be communicated it takes lots and lots of time and no-one seems to want to take the time.

I decided a while back that no-one really cared to learn about me and how I thought and that it was selfish of me to want them to learn about me so I just took all of my love of talking to people about real things that mattered to me and orphaned it. I decided that the only selfless course of action for me was to learn to play the game of socialization and not try to make other people think like me.

I have hoped for the longest time that I would find someone who thinks like me who I can really talk to and who challenges me. David is doing really well; I want to spend more time with him and alot of older people do,but I want to find a girl my own age to talk to. I still have alot of questions about why I am the way that I am. This weekend taught me somethings about getting closer to people and getting attached to people and I think that I am going to go to the lounge and hang out some more. I also wonder about intelligence; David is very smart, I can tell that, am I? To what extent? Does the isolation of genius really exist? Am I in danger of falling under it’s purview?

Those questions are still trivial really because I have so much farther to go in my search for emotional wholeness without which there really is no way to deliver a solid opinion on connection.

Another orphan aspect of how I have been thinking is my cynicism. I am getting to the point when I go in to interact with someone I expect to be rejected and I expect to be misunderstood. I get arrogant as a defense against my fear and then I beat myself up for not being a likable person. There was an advanced state of immature orphan where instead of fulfilling desires in lessened ways the person just gave up and cut everything off. I feel the so hopeless sometimes that I think that is the only way to do it.

I don’t have Heroes with me right now so I might be forgetting things that I will add in later.

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