n: hitting the fan

Bleh, conflict; I do not like conflict. I feel bad when I cause conflict and yet it is an essential part of living I think.

It is important for me right now to be myself especially around D. I have several needs that I am wanting to ground in her, but that is not possible and it is hurting me. Being passive and feeling used really makes things worse.

D was sitting here and she squirted me with her bottle. I was just going to sit and take it, but I didn’t like how doing that made me feel. So I took it from her and squirted her back. A bit more than she squirted me however and she thought that she was too wet to go back and work with the people that she had been working with.

So I offered her my shirt but she didn’t want it. It is hard for me because she was wet and I understand that she likes looking nice around people more than I do. Really though my shirt would have worked for her and she could have gone in if she had really wanted to. I felt bad still. It wasn’t because of what I had done, she could have gone in and worked still; I felt bad because she was disliking me. I felt really bad.

I wrote her a note apologizing. I said that I got carried away and I told her that I have been working hard to not be a pushover dealing with her. Just on the whole this sucks. I feel bad because she dislikes me and I feel bad because I think I’ve been emotionally manipulated.

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