j: on attachment

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 23-FEB-1999
To:	D
Subj:	j: attachment

This is a journal that I wrote to calm my mind a little bit. I wanted to give you a chance to read it first and see if you were ok with me sending it out to everyone. Scared yet? I sure as hell am, but you really don’t have any reason to. Just remember I’m the same fun loving normal guy that I always have been. (Well except on those rare occasions when I’m being stupid.) =)

I feel weird inside right now and I want to write because I want the feeling to go away. Feeling like this sucks the fun out of most of the stuff that I am doing and all I want to do is get away from it. I am tempted to just go to bed and try to forget about it, but I don’t think that will do much other than perhaps postpone dealing with it.

My whole growth focus has really been kicked up over the last couple of days and I am not sure why. One of the possibilities under consideration is my lenten discipline. I have stopped masturbating for lent. This is actually a pretty big thing for me. I have been for a long while in the practice of masturbating at least 3 times a week ofttimes as much as 5. I’m a bit uncomfortable about talking about it (because I sound like a sexual deviant) but it is true and I don’t think that it really hurts anyone.

But even with the bit of body chemistry that I have read about I know that I am dumping lots of hormones into my bloodstream that haven’t been as strong as this for a while. Where is the main place that I am seeing this? Hornyness. The desire for physical interaction. My perceptions of people are shifting alot. I think that I was spilling a good many of my ID’s ground troops out and they are starting to gather strength.

I talked about how I was viewing J a couple of days ago. In the past I have recognized that a relationship between us would probably not be all that rewarding. I view her as a fairly conservative person who is not really strongly called to change and expand her mind. I view myself as someone who enjoys exploring possibilities and trying new things. I do not think that our core values are all that similar.

But I have been looking at her lately and there is a feeling of attraction. A desire to be close to her and possibly something romantic. Granted it does not last very long on the whole before the more rational side of my brain pops in. My principle objection is slowly shifting from “she is not a person of power” to “she is too hung up to have sex.” Boy that sounds kinda bad on the outside of my head.

I will say this much, I have not noticed myself change into a heartless sex fiend over the last couple of days. Even though it may sound that way on occasion. I am trying to just experience what is going on without being too judgmental of myself. I have been watching my actions fairly closely and do not think that I have been acting immorally. I have been being more lenient with my thoughts. Alot of what is going on is new to me and I am curious about where I am headed.

As I said at the beginning though, I feel pretty bad. I have really high physicality needs running and I really don’t have much of an outlet for them at all. So I end up sitting around wanting just to sit by someone and be held, but there is no-one around and really no possibilities. So I end up stewing in my own testosterone. I think I’m gonna add “bullion cube” as one of my process names.

Now for the fun part: D. Yep, ain’t life grand? I spend huge amounts of time around D. We live in the same house and have a couple of the same classes. I have been around her alot since the beginning of this semester and we really get along alot better than we did when we were going out. I think that both of us have changed a good deal.

I have been trying to figure out if this is just my penis throttling my brain or what. Unlike with J, D’s values are at least in the same ballpark as my own. I have wondered if we would get along if we were dating. Actually it was thinking about that that clicked into focus several things about how I have been living my life and conducting my relationships.

We have not gotten all that close emotionally, at least not to the extent that I think that we both have the potential to. It was realizing this that I started looking at my different relationships and how close I am to people. I don’t feel all that attached to anyone. Again this is one of those cases where I would say that I am more attached that I ever remember being before, but it is not sufficient. For some reason the criteria changed.

I wrote a letter to B this evening that meant alot to me. I talked about being afraid of getting to close to people; afraid of being rejected. That is a very poignant fear for me. Though it is much less, there was a time in my life when this journal would have been filled with manipulations of the reader. In the back of my mind there would be a little voice projecting how this will be taken and revising for a positive response. That is not there as much. I can hear it a little bit and there are things that I am afraid to say, but not as much.

I didn’t actually see that there were things that I was scared to say until I thought that. What are they? Well a little bit ago I decided that since I am talking about D the first person that I send this to will be her and find out if it bothers her if I send this out to more people, though I really would like for Wayne to see this and A. What kind of reaction would I like to get? I am in affect revealing a part of myself that I was afraid would drive her away if I showed it. I know that before when I liked her after we broke up that it was really hard for us to get along. I like being friends with D and I would like not to screw that up.

Most of this is a mute point it seems though, well not mute, but the results are trivial. D is really taken by B right now. For some reason she doesn’t seem to be attracted to me. She has been talking about when we were going out alot. Most of it seems to be pretty negative. I guess from what I can remember it would be. The same problems with being afraid of closeness that were bothering me then are still bothering me now. I can understand why she would prefer someone who is better at attachment.

That has been a big part of all of this. I hear her talking about her experiences and I follow along after her feeling what it feels like to like someone, but she gets to spend time with the person and I just end up with my needs kicked up. I wish that I had someone to do the stuff with that she is doing with B. She has been talking about the difference in their ages and the fact that she is graduating in a year. I really don’t get it. I guess it’s just that I am presented with the opportunity that she has very rarely and if I had it as much as she has it then I would go for it.

One of the things that she talks about that seems the coolest is being able to communicate with B. She says that she can talk to him and he understands and they share with each other. That sounds so cool. I think it ties in with alot of stuff and I would really like to experience what it is like. I am not sure how much of it is tied to finding someone with similar experiences and how much is tied to simple depth work.

That is something that I tried to write about before but got sidetracked; my willingness to try to share myself with other people faded away at some point. I used to love trying to communicate with people and discussing things. I don’t much any more. Most of time I don’t like what the other person has to say; it is an old thought that doesn’t cover many angles. So rarely am I challenged by another person. That is with philosophical constructs at least; introspective things and emotions I never have been good at sharing. Writing is about the only time that I do go into these kinds of things. I want to have deeper and more meaningful friendships, do other people want to have them with me? I think that I am a worthwhile person, but then again I know few people who consciously think themselves without worth.

Really the one place where I have been practicing some rudimentary relationship skills has been with D. Over the last little bit I have been making a conscious effort to initiate nonaggressive physical contact on occasion. Doing that makes me really nervous. I am pretty cool punching around with people, it is a fairly constant part of my relationships with Wayne, David and D, but when it is nonaggressive I get nervous and break away after a little bit. I have done it for a really long time when Wayne will hug me.

It is like with what I was describing in my letter to B, I get uncomfortable being close to people; I am very afraid of being rejected still. There have been a couple of nights when I have been alone in my room and I felt like I was dying inside and I really wanted someone to be close to, but I was not willing to ask D to help me.

Today in the gym I took her hand as I was talking to her and I was proud of myself. It just lasted for a couple of seconds and I broke contact, but I had a couple of seconds.

On the whole I really dislike this; I dislike not being strong enough to take it all on by myself. I don’t want to rely on other people because I don’t want to give them the ability to leave me and hurt me. I’m really stuck; I want to get by my fears of being close to people but it is really hard for me to ask people for help. I do not want to be a burden.

Another thing that I have been seeing over the last couple of days is that everything that I am saying has already been said by me before a couple of years ago; deja vu. It is changed some, but at the center it is very similar. I am afraid of getting close to people because I think myself unworthy and the way to get past this is to get close to people.

I think that I’m going to head to bed now. I feel stuck. I’m gonna do what Dolyzicki calls incubation and I call sleeping on it. One definite change is that all of this is not nearly as dramatic as it was the last time around. I know that even though I feel pretty messed up I don’t think that it is the end of the world, and I am not (as) afraid that my needs are going to seize control of my body and fuck up my relationship with D.

That is one thing that I have noticed as well, right now I can get pretty attached and into stuff, but when I actually get close to her and it becomes an actual issue I get scared and the good ol’ T part kicks in and keeps me from doing anything that I would regret. Like today I was playing around with ideas and feeling different things while we were talking, but when I touched her most of that was replaced by fear of reaching out and screwing up our friendship or being rejected (mostly being rejected I think) and I was too scared to do anything stupid.

Convenient that. =)

Well, I do feel alot better. Not chipper by any means, but more open about what I am going through. I think that part of what was bothering me was the stuff that was going on in my head while I was talking to D that I was keeping bottled up. I think getting that out helped; regardless of what comes of it. It is not as good as sitting down and talking to her about it face to face, but being scared of people is what I have been talking about for the last five pages. One day at a time; one step at a time. I plan to get there and I am moving.

I think that I am an interesting enough person to warrant getting to know a bit more of my insides. I don’t have to stay shallow. (Why did that feel like a question?) =)

Goodnight all. -Will

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