j: muck

I feel really bad right now. I am sad and I hurt. I feel like my life is overloaded and I cannot do anything to get it under control. I have so many things that I have a way that I want them to go and none of them are going like I want them to. I feel tired and depressed almost all of the time. Sometimes I perk up when I am around other people, but it feels like a lie when I am doing it. It is an automatic reaction when I am around people to act happy so that I won’t turn them off.

Another part of all of it is that I think that I should be able to handle this. It doesn’t seem like its all that bad, mean really, what am I doing that is all that hard?

I am starting to conflict with D. We were getting along really well for a while, but I am starting to get stressed and pissy. The aspect of a relationship where the ego boundaries start to snap in hard, that is happening. I keep pulling into myself and trying to close out everyone else because I don’t want to be seen.

Tonight I was sitting on the couch talking to D about a project that I agreed to help her with and she has decided to do it another way and I was upset about it. I was really upset. Usually this kind of thing would have just sparked a passing thought that she was not thinking well (being stupid) and I would have let it go and not cared about it. I have this problem lots with certain people and I have stopped being tied to any kind of expectations to how he will act. With the project with D however I was really trying to help her and I got involved personally. It matters to me that she could do a better job even though it is her project.

This is a real case of ego boundaries. I have never really felt the concept in action before. It made sense in the rational form, but I do not extend my ego boundaries emotionally much at all and when I do I don’t seem to be very good at it.

I don’t want everything to be my fault. I think that this sounds like I am the only one causing problems and I do not think that is so. At least not in most senses of the concept. (I see analytically that all of my suffering arises from myself, but I don’t think that the fact that other people are not directly responsible for my suffering releases them from responsibility any more than my lack of direct responsibility in theirs relinquishes me from mine.)

The whole Valentine’s day thing and romance has not helped much either. There is an emphasis of couplehood and intimacy all around me. I have seen 3 different romantic movies in the last week and I still am faced with the issues in my life surrounding romance and even friendship. I interact with people right now, but I feel like I keep them all at a distance. I don’t feel really close to anyone. I always feel self-conscious.

For a while I was thinking alot about socialization and the values in it. I thought that I was getting more normal and more comfortable interacting with people, but I think that all I really learned was a new set of games to play. I certainly am better at getting along with people now especially strangers, but I am never comfortable.

I am uncertain about what to write here. I want to write about D and what has been going on in my mind about her, but I know from past experience that she does not like me to be too public.

Like I said before my ego boundaries have been popping up in a real way. My first response was fuck her, if hurts her then all the better. I feel mean. She tried to talk to me tonight but I didn’t talk to her because I wanted to hurt her. I don’t know what to do.

I am screwing with J again. I hate myself. I want to stop, but I won’t have anything if I do. It isn’t anything major. Just little things, though at the same time I am staying away. Id and superego; one part of me wants her to want me and wants her. Not really for who she is, just wants someone. I can’t even tell sometimes if I am attracted to her or not. Our basic values are so different and our getting involved would be stupid, but sometimes I just want somebody; anybody.

I feel so twisted up inside. I feel like I can’t tell the truth. I feel like there isn’t anything worth living for. I look at tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and I see the potential for change, but I look at all my yesterdays and I don’t see that I have moved at all. I’ve been feeling like this for a while, not really sad, not really depressed, just empty.

I don’t see that I am really connected to anyone in any real way. I don’t know how. I am too goddammed scared. I see sometimes when the opportunity presents itself I think, but I never know for sure and I never have an assurance of safety. So, I don’t. It’s that simple.

D was talking to me tonight about missing my helpdesk shift on friday. She said that someone was covering it and that I didn’t have to worry about it and I said that I wasn’t all that worried about it anyway, which I wasn’t. She said that it was my responsibility to get it covered and that if I didn’t she would have cut my hours. I felt just like I felt when I was going out with D and I told my dad that I was sleeping at her house and he told me that if I didn’t stop he would take me out of school. I was dead set right then that if D would have cut hours other than my morning hours I would have quit helpdesk entirely.

I feel scared and small inside and I hate feeling that way. I won’t let myself feel that way. I think that I would rather die than let someone else control me. (And for some strange reason I have ego boundary problems.)

This ties into something else that has really been getting to me. I don’t see that anything I do really matters all that much. I work on projects, but the only person that they really help is myself and they really don’t do all that much for me.

I did do a program for the helpdesk and people seemed to like it which made me really happy. I don’t get a whole lot from projects that just help me and noone else. It is a really codependent kind of thing. Or maybe not. Really where I place most of my value is forwarding the structure as a whole, not really society, but the ways thinking that make for a better society, and for better people really.

The question still lingers in my mind as to whether or not if faced with being forced to drop hours that I wanted to work (as opposed to the early morning hours which are a pain and which are the biggest problem for me to meet anyway) should I quit. I don’t know if I would or not. I think it would matter on how I figured it would affect things. I make a couple of hundred dollars a month which helps with bills, but maybe I could get a job somewhere else. I also like working helpdesk especially developing programs and doing projects and stuff. I really like having my programs available for everyone to use. It makes me feel useful.

But I really hate being treated in ways that I think are unjust. Like with the potential situation that could have happened with the conference. I said more than a week in advance that I was going to be out of town for a legitimate reason and if I were going to have my hours cut for that I do not think it is fair. I understand if I habitually oversleep if I get the early morning hours cut. That is just reward for my actions, but if I were to get saw my 3-6 shift cut for going to conference that is not just reward that is punishment. I think that to a large extent it is the idea of punishment that bugs me.

It bothers me in a very real way to see people actively punishing each other. It seems to me to be such a waste of time. It actively involves one person making themselves better and making another suffer. I understand when a punishment fits a crime, but not when it is enacted for the sake of the desire of the punisher to maintain control.

Really I think that somewhere deep down I am the same idealist that I was when I came here. I still dream of freedom and justice for all even though I think that it is a pipe dream.

Which brushes against my final topic that is tied most directly to the pain that being around D has sparked. Leadership. D is involved; she does Honors stuff and computer center stuff and all the rest. I don’t. I have tried a couple of times to get involved to no avail. I do not understand why other people do not consider me to be competent, but they don’t. I would like to change. I would like to be trusted and relied upon. I think sometimes that I am not a trustworthy person and others see this even though I sometimes delude myself otherwise. I don’t know really. I can’t think of much that I have done that really showed that I was reliable.

Conveniently enough S just sent me a message. She is a good example. She is involved. She is relied upon. What does she do that makes her different? I dunno really.

Now I just have to figure out who to send this to. I would like to send this to cor and neo, but I am not sure if I said enough about D to upset her. I hope not. I think that I kept it in the context of myself well enough to avoid difficulty.

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