j: letter to B

This is a response that I wrote to B in response to a journal that he wrote. Some of the things that I said in it are things that I have been trying to express for a while.

It sounds as though you have really been going through alot as of late. I really identify with alot of the issues that you were talking about. I myself have been away from being centered on growth for the last little bit. I still write some and I love to think, but I don’t have the focus that I once did.

One of the biggest issues that I have been struggling with for the longest time is being afraid of people and being afraid of not being liked. For the longest time all of my writing had alot of falsity in it because I was so afraid of others reading what I wrote and judging me poorly because of it.

As of late I have been really dissatisfied with most of my relationships. I feel really distant from people and I can see where my behavior causes that. There is an intimacy that comes from helping someone and I have never really felt worthy of being close to someone. I see people that I care about hurting but I very rarely reach out to help them unless they ask because I am afraid of them rejecting me.

It is so selfish of me to let the people around me suffer because of my issues, but changing this part of me that has been around so long is really really hard. Deep down it is a secret fear of mine that the only reason that I want to help people is for my own need fulfillment. It is not even that fear that stops me, it is my fear that everyone else sees through the charade that I am trying to cover it with.

So, alot of what I do is play a cool guy game and act friendly, but remain aloof and not really connected. It is really hard for me to let down my distance and try to be more real. I haven’t done it much at all and I am afraid that I’m gonna screw things up and people won’t like me. That scares me so much. Writing is about the only time that I can even feel a little bit real.

The reason that I am telling you this is that with both you and David Foster in the last couple days I have seen a depth and compassion that I am doing a disservice to by playing these games. I want to change, but most of the time when I am actually in the throes of being false I don’t even see it until later.

If you ever want to talk I’ll be around and I will try my best to be there for you. Don’t worry about being too needy. If it gets to a point where it is an issue we can talk about it. One of the biggest things for me in relationships has always been a fear that the other person is thinking something and judging me when I am unaware of it. Because of this I try hard to be open about what I am thinking (though as of late as I said I have been away from a focus on honesty.) These last couple of days have awakened something I think.

Would you mind if I sent this out to the group that I journal to. I have been having a hard time expressing my troubles with interaction and I think it is well put here. I could cut stuff if you like.

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