j: connection

I had a rather lengthy journal written this morning, but unfortunately gemini was on the fritz and I forgot to save it. C’est la vie.

I will briefly try to recoup what was lost. I was talking about feelings of isolation and lack of connection.

This past weekend brought up alot of thoughts about connection with other people and my personal struggles with isolation. It was a new experience for me to interact with people on the Memphis trip who I did not know very well at all and have those interactions flow well. I am usually very clumsy in speaking and I am very scared of people.

I went into a discussion of types of detachment, because the conversations that I had that really didn’t flow well at all were those with Ed and Rita where I was uncertain about how to act and was afraid of screwing up. I know from experiences with myself and others that when one becomes too attached to a particular set of expectations that it destroys flow. I was saying that it was detachment that has improved my ability to interact with people and not trip up.

Then I thought that a distinction was necessary on the use of the word detachment seeing as I have cited detachment and the accompanying separation and isolation as the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. The type of detachment that I dislike is the type of detachment where I am letting go of something that I care about because I am afraid of something. The type of detachment that I have been developing and that I enjoy is detachment arising out of a confidence in myself.

When I am afraid I separate myself from things because I fear that I am not good enough to have them. When I am confident I allow myself to separate from things when necessary because I do not form my concept of myself out of them.

Conversation and interaction, relationships, are comprised neither of detachment or attachment. It is a balance of the two. When I am too detached and separated I do not enjoy my interaction; they are shallow and I do not add form to them. When I am too attached the interactions are not satisfying because I get too tied to expecting the other person to be a certain way. The problems that I have when I am detached out of fear, one is that most of the time it is not a true detachment; I am still attached, but I try to deny the fact, another is that fear is difficult to overcome and it binds my actions and destroys flow.

To interact with a person and have the interaction flow well it is not possible to be static. Different situations require me to be a different person and being able to change is an important skill.

I had a very interesting experience last night talking to D; I think that it relates to the difference between Thinking and Feeling types. She went traipsing off into F-land and surprisingly enough I followed along behind her to a limited extent. I am a fairly analytical person, especially over the last few months because being analytical is a good way to avoid feeling the suffering of depression. The cognitive shifting that I was doing last night though was different from anything that I recognize from previously. My usual thinking involves a constant process of identifying, classifying, analyzing, and categorizing. I think that the general process is that which is typically identified as T. In the shift last night though I was just accepting things. Not understanding them in the same way, but I was understanding them (I think at least.) I am not sure.

The biggest thing that dissatisfies me right now about how I relate to other people has to do with the distance that I maintain. I am always separate and always at least a bit uncomfortable. That same situation is mirrored in my mind where I am always separate from the data that I am taking in and I am an observer rather than an experiencer.

I got very uncomfortable after a little bit of time in what I am calling F-land. My mind started to drift over my extremely poor sucess record with women and the possibilities of developing deep connection with someone in the near future and I started to get really sad. Instead of experiencing sadness though I just drifted back into analysis and separation and it did not hurt very much.

I would like to be more attached and active in the world, but I do not see how that would mean much right now other than alot of hurt. Hurt that I have no idea how to cope with. I don’t know what to do when I start to experience psychic pain. I try not to shy away from the experience, but it always seems to elude me.

I want very very much for people to like me. Writing like this is about the only time that I even get close to any kind of pain and even now it feels false. It seems to me that the more people are open about their pain the less popular they are socially. Perhaps not that exactly; the more that people are controlled by their pain into being needy the less popular they are socially. I do not want to be disliked. It already bothers me alot that I do not seem to be all that well respected. I don’t want to make things worse.

All of my life seems to be centered around making other people like me. For a while I have been saying that I was shooting to develop a bit of a F side and all that I managed was a codependent T. Actually the amount of self-pity that I am indulging publicly here is a step for me. At one time I was doing my best to put my best face forward at all times even if I had to construct my best face out of imagination.

Having a peer group that values honesty is very helpful. I am fairly confident that I will not because a social outcast for writing this. Another question that I have been wondering about has to do with my involvement in mentor. Am I involved? Why? Will I still be interested in these kinds of things when I leave Tech? Will I be able to find a group of people with these kinds of values? What will I do if I can’t? Do I just do this because it is socially desirable? What do I really want out of my life?

Lots of questions there and few answers. I do not think that I would be writing now if I did not have anyone to send it to. I really like interacting with people. I do not know if I could do work in the same way that I do now if I did not have other people to work with. A while back it seemed like given the thousands of girls in the world that it would not be that hard to find one which was really attractive to me. I don’t think that it is all that big of a task, but that task does not live in a bottle. To focus my life in that area I would have to sacrifice my studies and my learning, and even then I don’t know how it would come out.

I feel stranded. I have so many things that I want in my life, and because I do not have some of them I am dissatisfied with the rest. It seems so stupid not to be grateful for all the things that I have, and yet I am not. What a mean beast am I.

I have other things to talk about, but I am going to go to class.

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