Archive for February, 1999

n: hitting the fan

Bleh, conflict; I do not like conflict. I feel bad when I cause conflict and yet it is an essential part of living I think.

It is important for me right now to be myself especially around D. I have several needs that I am wanting to ground in her, but that is not possible and it is hurting me. Being passive and feeling used really makes things worse.

D was sitting here and she squirted me with her bottle. I was just going to sit and take it, but I didn’t like how doing that made me feel. So I took it from her and squirted her back. A bit more than she squirted me however and she thought that she was too wet to go back and work with the people that she had been working with.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

re: orphaned

This weekend has been fairly interesting for me on the whole. I spent yesterday and the day before at research and going there feeling as torn up as I did about D really changed alot. She was there for the first part of the weekend and being around her disrupted my thinking a whole lot. I had a really hard time focusing on anything other than her presence. She left though for most of the weekend and my thoughts about her shifted more into the back of my mind.

I got to talk to Wayne alot over the weekend and that was cool. Another really cool thing was my group; it was led by Mel and H and it included myself, Amy, Shannon, and for the last part of the weekend Neil. I was really quiet for the first part of the weekend and I didn’t talk in the meetings much. I was to the point where I really just wanted to be off by myself and I was thinking about leaving, but I decide that before I would I would give a really good shot at my group meeting, so I went in and said that I was feeling really down because there was a girl who I liked who didn’t like me back. I talked about some of the things that I was thinking about and some of my questions.

Having done that I felt a whole lot better. I felt alot closer to the group and talked alot more. The person who impressed me the most was Mel. She was very supportive and yet honest with me and I appreciated that. I felt close to her and I liked the feeling.

Read the rest of this entry »

Comments (1)

(very)lj: last night

I want to write some about my experiences last night. I want to write as truthfully and as openly as I can and not censor the thoughts in my mind. This means for those of you who I am sending this to that what I am going to be writing will be as I think that truth is a mixture of positives and negatives. Once upon a time I thought that it was important for me to say exactly what was on my mind to the whole world. I don’t think that anymore, but the occasional practice of radical honesty with those that one trusts is an important practice I think.

To begin with the crux of the matter. I like D. I enjoy doing things with her and I would like to have some kind of a romantic relationship with her.

The crux of the crux is that she does not want that with me. I hear her talking about liking all kinds of other guys and it sincerely confuses me why it is that she does not find me attractive.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

j: on attachment

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 23-FEB-1999
To:	D
Subj:	j: attachment

This is a journal that I wrote to calm my mind a little bit. I wanted to give you a chance to read it first and see if you were ok with me sending it out to everyone. Scared yet? I sure as hell am, but you really don’t have any reason to. Just remember I’m the same fun loving normal guy that I always have been. (Well except on those rare occasions when I’m being stupid.) =)

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

j: letter to B

This is a response that I wrote to B in response to a journal that he wrote. Some of the things that I said in it are things that I have been trying to express for a while.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

q: good, if difficult to acheive, advice

This was in a message that I got from J. I think it wise.

    Work like you don't need the money.
     Love like you've never been hurt.
      Dance like nobody's watching.

Leave a Comment

j: connection

I had a rather lengthy journal written this morning, but unfortunately gemini was on the fritz and I forgot to save it. C’est la vie.

I will briefly try to recoup what was lost. I was talking about feelings of isolation and lack of connection.

This past weekend brought up alot of thoughts about connection with other people and my personal struggles with isolation. It was a new experience for me to interact with people on the Memphis trip who I did not know very well at all and have those interactions flow well. I am usually very clumsy in speaking and I am very scared of people.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

j: muck

I feel really bad right now. I am sad and I hurt. I feel like my life is overloaded and I cannot do anything to get it under control. I have so many things that I have a way that I want them to go and none of them are going like I want them to. I feel tired and depressed almost all of the time. Sometimes I perk up when I am around other people, but it feels like a lie when I am doing it. It is an automatic reaction when I am around people to act happy so that I won’t turn them off.

Another part of all of it is that I think that I should be able to handle this. It doesn’t seem like its all that bad, mean really, what am I doing that is all that hard?

I am starting to conflict with D. We were getting along really well for a while, but I am starting to get stressed and pissy. The aspect of a relationship where the ego boundaries start to snap in hard, that is happening. I keep pulling into myself and trying to close out everyone else because I don’t want to be seen.

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a Comment

vax programs

Apparently Malachi’s account has finally been purged and all of the programs that were being accesses therein are now defunct. If you are needing any help let me know, I have equivalents of most of Malachi’s programs. Actually the way that I learned most of what I know was by copying the contents of his programs directory and rewriting bits and pieces of everything.

Leave a Comment

cute ghandi quote

This was someone’s sig file on comp.os.linux.misc.

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?

Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

Leave a Comment

Older Posts »