sj: working

I haven’t been doing much writing as of late. I have been working on getting my computers running and learning java and reading a little.

The question that I have is on the rightness of this. I was asking this same question when I was considering this course of action at the end of last semester.

I have not been sitting on my butt doing anything. I have formatted various hard drives probably 5 times in the last week. That’s alot for me. Probably about five more times than I have formatted a drive in my life up to this point. I have been reading several books on programming and setting up computer systems. I have been coding and thinking.

I have not however been doing mentor kinds of stuff. I have not been meditating or journaling or anything of the sort. I still think about things and ask questions, but I don’t see that stopping anytime soon.

And I feel guilty. I feel as though I should be doing these things, as though to not to is a consequence of laziness and is a defense against dealing with things that I do not want to look at like falling asleep in class and dealing with my father.

On a related note I have not been having as much trouble staying awake in class, just physics and that is really tough. It is not easy by any means but in most classes it is not so bad that I cannot handle it.

Looking back at my last semester (which I never sent out my grades for, here they are):

Discrete Mathematics (CSc 161)	A (4 x 3 hr)	12
Digital Design (CSc 331)	B (3 x 3 hr)     9
Calculus III (Math 281)		C (2 x 3 hr)     6
Machine Languages (CSc 271)	C (2 x 3 hr)     6
Ethics of CSc (CSc 203)		F (1 x 1 hr)     1
--------------------------------------------------
				Total:		34

or a 2.615 or the semester. That is abysmal; by far my worst semester since I got here. I now have a 3.44 overall. I was helped some by virtue of the limited number of hours that I was taking. I will not repeat that performance however.

That is one of the reasons that I have not been doing as much with anything, social or growth or whatever. Last semester I did alot and IO learned alot, but my limited time reflected itself in my grades. Not only that but my enjoyment of much that I was doing was reduced because of the stress that I was under to go and spend time on my other commitments. So far this semester I have a committment to class and to work and to doing the RLT book group and that is about it. I am also interested in maintaining friendships but I am not as driven to do everything that my friends are doing.

I want to be a competent person and as it is I am devoting so much of my time to breadth that I do not have much depth. That would be ok were it not that most of my drive for breadth is driven by scarcity, but it is, so not alot of the time I am not truly enjoying my involvements.

I’m gonna go and do some more housework and think a bit more. There is nothing like washing dishes to give a person room to think.

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