sj: women

T sent out a journal earlier talking about thinking more about relationships and women and such things.

Something similar has been going on with me for the last little bit as well. Mine is tied to several things. if nothing else I want to set out what I think some of the motivating factors are.

One of the biggest focusing factors was the formal. It was an occasion that rather begged the question of involvement with a woman. The question of “are you going to the formal” was almost naturally followed by the question “who are you going with.” I had been thinking about women and relationships, and the formal focused my attention on those things.

On the whole my thinking seems to go in cycles and I drift between major issues and ways of thought. I noticed last night when I was talking to M that I am drifting back into Truth. I look for things to be placed into as large a context as possible. He was talking about what he thought about a person and I told him not to try to make it sound nice but to be true.

This is a switch back from the completely contextualized focus on Relationship.

I am tempted to go an and leave that dichotomy as I have laid it out. It seems pretty well to lay out with the separation described in _Gifts Differing_ between T and F. When I test different aspects of it in my mind though it falls apart for the same reason that the distinction between T and F falls apart. For the simple reason that there is always a context.

I’m going to spool off now and avoid talking about that. In my concept of the development of my thinking I see myself as having come from a more clouded method of expression drawing from fuzzy intuitive connection to something more solid and easily expressible in writing.

This picture is to a large extent something introjected from talking to A. I have trouble remembering how I used to think. I can read the thoughts, but the methods are lost.

An association that I have with the “old” method of thought is isolation and individualism; not being understood and not being socially desirable. I do not like the idea of being isolated and on the whole I avoid thinking in that way because of those associations.

What I am trying to say about the dichotomy of Truth vs. Relationship or Thinking vs. Feeling has the association of vague and intuitive (being as abstract as it is) and I avoid it. At least I avoid it publically and to a large extent privately.

To move on though I will say that it is sufficed to say that I am being more focused on Truth rather than Relationship.

This message is only going out to cor for reasons I will explain. I want to talk about what I have been thinking about with J and all of the people in cor are distanced enough from that interaction that I don’t have to worry about what I say affecting my relationship with her.

At the end of last semester I watched a couple of movies with J during which we did some physical interaction which usually falls under the category of “more than friends.” There was nothing erotic, but there was holding hands and leaning on each other and being intertwined in various ways.

I am not sure exactly what my motivation was. I was feeling physicality needs very strongly and she was available and open. To some extent I was being manipulative just out of habit. I have a habit of trying to get girls to like me even if I am not especially interested in them romantically. It is a habit of mind formed from wanting to be wanted.

Most of the time it does not seem to have much affect. Though for that matter most of the time I am too insecure to try much by way of manipulation. It did however work with J and we did several things that are common practice for the beginning of a romantic relationship.

There came a point though where I realized where I was headed and I was beyond where my needs were in sufficient control to get me to ignore what it was that I was doing. I then had to answer the question of whether I wanted to go here or not. I spent alot of time talking to J, not about a relationship but about who she was as a person. She is very nice. Very F. Very catholic. Semi-codependent. And not what I am wanting in a significant other.

A couple semesters ago with J Vincent I was involved in a relationship with a person who had different values than I did and who had emotional problems to work through. I thought that I could help her and develop a relationship. Getting torn into little pieces regularly for a month or two taught me a valuable lesson and it is not something that I am wanting to do again.

I was not decisive in my action. I liked having J around and I liked talking to her. I did not want her to go away as I thought that she probably would if I told her how I felt. I still have never discussed the issue of us going out with her.

I did however stop sending the interest signals.

She knows for certain though because I was talking about it with N and he told her. N has had a big part in this all along. He talked to her alot about me and was urging her to make a move. I know the fun of talking to people about others that they are romantically interested in. It is the same pleasure as talking with a person about anything that they are emotionally involved in. There is a life there that is oftentimes difficult to find. It is more real.

Something that I thought about alot when I was deciding not to see J romantically was what it was that I was looking for in a woman. It was a difficult question. I don’t know many women socially and am not really attracted romantically to most of them.

I have been reading a couple of psychology texts and the general thought in them is that at a young age when identity formation is taking place a strong motivating factor in attraction is to connect with personality aspects that are weak. Aka I am not very confident so I would find confident women attractive.

Another school of thought is that from early childhood I have patterned a set of ideal mate preferences after my mother and father. Both physically and psychologically. This is affected as well though by media images and personal concept.

I agree for the most part with all of this. I went to a drama company presentation and there was a girl there who was of about average appearance. She was sitting at the end of my table listening to us talk. I noticed her but didn’t really think much of her. After a while though I started talking to her and her voice and her thinking patterns changed my concept of her drastically. She is 22 and out on her own living her own life under her own values and this showed in the confidence in her voice and how she talked. I was alot more attracted to her after talking to her and her physical attractiveness shifted.

This was a remarkable experience for me because I have been wondering for a while if I am cutting off my feelings of attraction so as to protect myself.

I hurt pretty badly after L and I stopped going out and that pain is not all gone. I have not been exercising or eating especially well and my body shows that.

I am thinking that the T shift that I have been undergoing is a method of dealing with the emotional things that I want to avoid. I got into alot of stuff about my father at the retreat and I have not looked at them very much either.

The thing is what I was writing about earlier with focusing on computers and programming and classes. Doing those things takes up most of my time. It is only possible because of the amount of time that I am spending on it and were I to shift my focus it would be at the detriment of those things.

I am in a learning period right now. I am learning Linux as well as java. Once I have a base working knowledge down it will not take as much of my time, but right now it takes alot. I honestly do not think that it is feasible for me to focus on growth kinds of stuff right now and not have my other projects fall through.

This includes relationships and dealing with women.

Another aspect of my current dealings with women is moving into the house with D and Amy. During the day when I am walking over here from campus I will have flashes of thinking from when I was going out with D and was making the same walk. It is not just remembering the interior monologue but also remembering the way that I was thinking and experiencing it again. It gets me to thinking alot about where I have come from and where I am going.

Well, I think that this is enough for now. More later perhaps.

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