Archive for January, 1999

re: to wayne on cracked pots

In my ever humble opinion you are mixing language. In your journal you are talking about two different types of worth “objective” and “emotional.” I think that a better description for your “objective” would be practical worth. “Can they ‘do’ something useful.”

Dammit. I just looked up “objective” in the dictionary and the first two definitions are as follows: “Of or having to do with a material object as distinguished from a mental concept, idea, or belief,” and “Having actual existence or reality.”

That’s a pain. The first definition supports your usage whereas the second is what I was going off of as my rationale to redefine your term as practical.

I wonder what practical means exactly.. “Of, relating to, governed by, or acquired through practice or action.”

I’ll try to say what I am wanting to say even though I can’t quite find the words to describe it. =)

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sj: women

T sent out a journal earlier talking about thinking more about relationships and women and such things.

Something similar has been going on with me for the last little bit as well. Mine is tied to several things. if nothing else I want to set out what I think some of the motivating factors are.

One of the biggest focusing factors was the formal. It was an occasion that rather begged the question of involvement with a woman. The question of “are you going to the formal” was almost naturally followed by the question “who are you going with.” I had been thinking about women and relationships, and the formal focused my attention on those things.

On the whole my thinking seems to go in cycles and I drift between major issues and ways of thought. I noticed last night when I was talking to M that I am drifting back into Truth. I look for things to be placed into as large a context as possible. He was talking about what he thought about a person and I told him not to try to make it sound nice but to be true.

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q: brown

I keep having a quote by Bradford Brown (of LT fame) that read somewhere either in the guidelines or the the touchstones:

“A choice for this means no choice for that.”

There might be more I don’t remember.

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sj: working

I haven’t been doing much writing as of late. I have been working on getting my computers running and learning java and reading a little.

The question that I have is on the rightness of this. I was asking this same question when I was considering this course of action at the end of last semester.

I have not been sitting on my butt doing anything. I have formatted various hard drives probably 5 times in the last week. That’s alot for me. Probably about five more times than I have formatted a drive in my life up to this point. I have been reading several books on programming and setting up computer systems. I have been coding and thinking.

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bq: RLT

Some of us will go to quite extraordinary lengths to avoid our problems and the suffering they cause, ambulance anesthetist proceeding far afield from all that is good and sensible in order to try to find an easy way out, apoplectic building the most elaborate fantasies in which to live, sometimes to the total exclusion of reality. But the substitute itself ultimately becomes more painful than the legitimate suffering it was designed to avoid.

–Morgan Scott Peck The Road Less Traveled

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schedule for spring 1999

| TIME |  MON   |  TUE   |  WED   |  THRS  |  FRI   |
+------+ HH 111 | HH 111 | HH 111 | HH 111 | HH 111 |
| 9-10 |HELPDESK+--------+HELPDESK+--------+HELPDESK|
+------+--------+ CSC370 +--------+ CSC370 +--------+
|10-11 | CSC240 | BR 219 | CSC240 | BR 219 | CSC240 |
|11-12 |        |        |        |        |        |
| 12-1 |        | CSC340 |        | CSC340 |        |
+------+--------+ BR 404 +--------+ BR 404 +--------+
| 1-2  |PHYS 221+--------+PHYS 221+--------+PHYS 221|
+------+--------+PSY 201H+--------+PSY 201H+--------+
| 2-3  |        | FB307A |        | FB307A |        |
| 3-4  |HELPDESK|PHYS 231|        |HELPDESK|        |
+------+ PH 204 | BR 322 +--------+ BN 207 +--------+
+------+ PH 204 | BR 322 | PH 204 | BN 207 +--------+
+------+--------+--------+ PH 204 +--------+--------+
| 6-7  |        |        +--------+        |        |
| 7-8  |        |        |  RLT   |        |        |
+------+--------+--------+  BOOK  +--------+--------+
| 8-9  |        |        |  GROUP |        |        |

Here is my schedule for the upcoming semester. As always it is in my plan file if you ever need to reference it. The RLT group is still tentative on the day, anesthetist but that is what S and I are leaning towards.

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progoff inventory — January 8, 1999

Inventory Of The Now Time In Your Life

Gather some notebook paper, a couple of pens, and if you have it, several sheets of unlined white paper. Plan to do this work in a quiet place where you can reflect and work undisturbed for an hour or so. Do not think hard about the questions. Write down what pops into your head. You can go back and think about your answers later. You can do the written parts of ths inventory on your computer if you are more comfortable doing that. [i would prefer that you do it on computer and post it to your bbs and send me a copy for your mentor archives]

Anchor the Present

  1. First let your mind wander back over over your life…. events and epochs in your life had their own beginnings and middles and ends… as your life flows into this present time in your life, sense the time you are in now….this now time in your life had its beginning but it has not come to an end…. it is an open time, with many possibilities….but many rivers run into this now time from your past.

    When you are ready, write out a focusing statement about this now time in your life, this time that has its beginning but is not yet finished…. for some people it will be coming to TTU; for others, connecting with special people; for others, making changes in vocational choices…. Begin the focusing statement with: “It is a time when…..” and finish the sentence.

    It is a time when I am learning more about myself and I am changing how I think about things. It is a time when I am learning how to be a more normal person. It is a time when I am beginning to have a choice about the things that I am doing. It is a time when I fear that what I am doing is wrong

  2. List some of the people who are important in this now time in your life. After you have listed them, go back and let images and feelings associated with each one of them come up in your mind. Write down one or two adjectives that you associate with each person. Did you list some people who have had ‘negative’ influences on your life? Who have hurt you or angered you? What adjectives can you place by their names?

    • Wayne — Vibrant, active
    • D — Smart, hurt
    • V — Looking, burly
    • N — Deaf, wanting
    • S — Good, questioning
    • M — Threatening, solid
    • T — Working, open
    • A — Confusing, leader
  3. List projects that are important to you in this now time in your life.

    • Learning Linux
    • Reading
    • Writing
    • Moving in with D
    • Working
    • Figuring out what to do with my day
  4. List events that have been important in this now time….

    • Laughing with Wayne
    • Listening to D cry
    • Writing about Schultz
    • Being scared of the people at work
  5. Listen to your body…. What does it have to say to you about this now time in your life?

    “You are not going to be able to do all of the stuff that you have set out for yourself to do. You can’t make it. You are going to fail. I’m scared that I’m not good enough. I’m scared that I am incompetent. I’m scared that I can’t cut it.”

  6. What emotional states are dominant for you in this now time?

    • Apprehension
    • Tiredness
    • Fear
  7. What Groups are important to you now…- university, social, church

    • The people at my house
    • Honors people
  8. What dreams are recurring in this now time? or what dreams do you remember? just write a few words to remind yourself of what they are… don’t try to analyze them.

    • Having long hair
    • Being grown up
    • Having a job
    • Fighting people
  9. What are the most important _positive values_ to you now?

    • Being solid
    • Being unafraid
    • Being supportive
    • Being dedicated
  10. What are the most important _negative values_ to you now?

    • Being lazy
    • Being scared
    • Being weak
  11. Make a statement about your _religious_ position now.

    I believe that there is a reason that values are not all the same. I believe that there are values that are greater than personal. I think that it takes something greater than the individual to support a system such as the one that I believe in. The “something greater” is God.

  12. What are the most _positive things_ you can say about yourself now?

    • I am working more
    • I am being more solid
    • I am doing more of the things that I want
    • I am pushing myself (some)
  13. What are the most _negative things_ you can say about yourself now?

    • ll of the things that I am doing may not be enough
    • I failed last semester
    • I am lazy
    • I might be stupid but I don’t know yet because I haven’t tried (see the previous one)
  14. What words come to mind that you associate with the _darkest part_ of you, your shadow self?

    • Ice
    • Iron
    • Hateful
    • Callous
    • Uncaring
    • Selfish
    • Proud
  15. What image comes to mind?

    A black anvil

  16. What strengths does your shadow have to offer?

    A separation from being driven by everyone else’s opinion of me.

  17. What are you most afraid of?

    Being too stupid to succeed. Underneath the laziness there not being the capacity to do anything of real value.

  18. What ecstasies have been most important to you? What peak experiences?

    Laughing with Wayne in the car

  19. What wisdom do you have to offer now? to the world? to yourself?

    • Don’t get caught up in things that don’t matter
    • Don’t waste your time doing things that you don’t care about
    • Live
  20. What short term goals do you have for your future?

    • To pass my classes
    • To set up an intranet
    • To learn linux
    • To write a helpdesk program
  21. What long term goals?

    • To gain some measure of peace
    • To be more comfortable around people
    • To develop helpful software
    • To have kids
    • To cry
  22. What are your major concerns, issues, and problems in this NOW time?

    • Failing school
    • Not talking to people
    • Being incompetent
  23. What is the payoff? What do you get out of it?

    • Maintaining my self concept
  24. Draw a picture of yourself with your non-dominant hand. [If you are right-handed, draw a picture of yourself with your left hand. Use plain white paper if you have it.]

  25. Draw a yen/yang symbol [a circle with a capital S imbedded through the middle of it] and put in one side a symbol of your dark self and on the other side, a symbol of your light side.

Fantasy Time

  1. If there were no constraints, either moral or financial, what would you do with your life?

    I would leave for a while and go off to the mountains and take my friends with me and get lots of computers and spend time talking to people and learning how computers worked and also about how people work. And then I would work to develop software and hardware that would let people use computers easily and would make them better informed and more capable of doing what they would like to do.

  2. What person that you don’t know well or not at all, dead or alive, would you like to get to know?

    I would like to get to know Marx. I would like to get to talk to him and ask him questions about Communism and how his system works.

  3. What project would you like to undertake now if there were no constraints?

    Developing a cohesive package for the Linux kernel. Also conducting a bunch of different psychological test to collect information about how people change.

  4. What event would you like to have happen now if you could have anything happen that you like?

    I would really like to meet a girl who challenges me and who entertains me and who has values similar to mine. I would like to meet someone who is attractive to me in a romantic way.

  5. If you could build your ideal religion, what would you want as tenants or principles of it? would it be ideal for everyone? what would you like best about it?

    People would be less serious about the physical discomforts that they suffered and more aware of the discomforts that other people experienced. There would be an emphasis on the emotional, cognitive, and spiritual. The motivating goal would be to empower other people. At the same time there would be an emphasis on responsibility and a balance between responsibility to yourself and responsibility to those around you.

    Also there would be alot more more emphasis on the environment and on not being wasteful.

    I think that it would be fairly good for most people. Really alot of it would not work unless everyone was doing it. There could be a point where you could get rid of alot of where resources are being used to protect the resources (like policepeople) if the people were trustworthy.

  6. What would you like your body to be and do?

    I would like my body to be strong and trim. I would like to be able to do a handspring and to climb well. I would like to be able to sit lotus position. I would like to be in good enough shape that I was comfortable wrestling.

  7. What do you wish that you had learned?

    I wish I had learned some discipline. I wish that it was no so hard for me to get myself to do things that I dislike doing.

  8. What would you like your strengths and talents to be?

    • I would like myself to be a strong person
    • I would like to be a person of character

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sj: making space

There is a process talked about by a guy named Pieget called decalages. At least that is what I think who I think was talking about. I read about them in Perry’s essay on growth. Anyhow, I decalage (as best I can remember) is taking an experience from your life and imposing the understanding that you gained from that experience and using it to contextualize another experience.

I think that I was doing a decalage earlier today.

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bq: Our Town

This is a section from the book that I am reading. It is a quote from Thorton Wilder’s play “Our Town” with a brief intro.

“As Emily in the play ‘Our Town’ eulogizes on her won behalf after she has returned to earth on her twelfth birthday:”

I can’t. I can’t go on. Oh! Oh! It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another. I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed.

Take me back up the hill to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-by, Good-by, world. Good-by, Grovers Corners… Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking…and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths…and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.

(She looks at the Stage Manager and asks abruptly, through her tears.)

Do any human beings realize life while they live it — every, every minute?

Stage Manager: No


The saints and poets, maybe — they do some.

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