letter to m

This is a letter to M spawned from a note that he sent to me telling me that he was going out with L this weekend.

From:	TTU::WJH3957  "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 11-NOV-1998 16:38
To:	M
Subj:	re: L

Thank you for letting me know M.

Things are still weird with me in relation to L. I think that I’m doing ok and that I’m getting everything sorted away and then I look down and I discover that I have a gaping hole in my chest. Ouch.

The pain is certainly there, but I am being unemotive as of late so it isn’t anything that does me severe damage. I was really impressed by T crying about the pain that he was suffering in relation to S. I have never gotten to that point (of crying) with anything, at least not that I can remember. It is frustrating to know that there is pain and that I am avoiding it, but that is where I am and I don’t know of any way to change it so accepting it seems to be the next best course of action.

If you do decide to develop anything more serious with L I will do my best not to be stupid. It has really been a challenge as of late not to be an idiot (aka. really false) when I am around her. The combination of avoiding the pain of rejection and the desire to be accepted pull me very hard to lie. By and large I have just been avoiding her because she seems to be doing ok on her own and my being stupid doesn’t help much.

Unlike T who was rather altruistic in his desires to see S suffer; that she would suffer unto truth. I was much less altruistic, I wanted L to be stricken with a blight or something, not so that she would develop through the experience, just so that she would suffer a bit and feel bad. =)

But thinking such things is only a luxury that I allow myself as a distraction from the reality of the decision that she made. When I am serious and am in the place that I make most of my decisions from, the important ones at least, I want the same things for her that I want for everybody. I want for her to be free of fear and free to live her own life without hang-ups and without disclarity.

I don’t want her to suffer a blight. At least not really. =) I hope that whatever you two do together is a good interaction that helps her (and maybe ever you too) to be better people. Seeing her with other guys does hurt certainly. I do not have faith yet in my attractiveness as a person. Alot of who I am was tied into what she thought about me and the fact that she found me attractive. It does hurt to see her choosing someone else over me. Those things are true right now.

The difference in how T goes about it and how he was defining compassion and how I go about it is that I’ve got a masochistic streak. I want for her to live her life without fear of protecting me from reality. If you all want to do stuff together then I want you to do stuff together. It does hurt alot. That pain is real and that pain is a part of me. It is not your job to protect me from reality. (And I get a weird kinda kick from the feeling that I am being torn apart from the inside out. It hurts, but the pain feels needful somehow.)

Such is where I stand. I do appreciate your letting me know what is going on and also for listening to me ramble for a bit. Life would be so mundane were there no women in it. =)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *