j: miscelaneous thoughts on lying and stuff

Hmmm, I am very confused as of late. My head feels as though it is full of static and I am wanting to clear it out some. I have tried pushing into whatever is going on some and I can’t seem to find much of anything that has any real substance. Perhaps this journal will simply be me spinning my wheels for a while, perhaps I will actually get something ironed out. I can’t tell right now.

I can feel a general despair right now as I consider trying to write about this. I do not think that I can say anything of value. I’m just really confused about what is going on in my life. I can’t tell if I like how I am living or not. I can’t tell if I want to change and if I do what I would change.

I guess I will start with what has been the biggest question for me. I am wondering if I have the passion necessary to take me any farther along the wisdom path. I have always had something that was driving me to be more and to see more. That is what I call passion. I had drive and as of late I feel that drive slipping through my fingers like so much sand. I do not like the picture of my life that is slowly forming as it leaves, but I do not care enough about it to stop it.

I have always thought before that if I had the energy to whine about something then I ought to have the energy to do something about it. That isn’t working here. I don’t like seeing myself care less about honesty and integrity and I am whining about it. So, why don’t I do something about it?

This is one of the places where the despair comes from. I don’t know what the truth is here. I don’t know if I could figure out what to do if I would just try harder. I think that I could try harder. I do not feel terribly bad or overexerted. I do not know how to try harder though. (This is a common place for me to get stuck and spin my wheels, I would do this alot before where I would doubt my clarity and because I was doubting my clarity I would not be willing to take a firm stand because I did not want to take a stand on something that was false.)

Isn’t this just what I was so proud of myself for doing just a little while back, taking a stand on something that was decidedly uncertain? I reckon that I could do that here though I do wish that I had some information that I trusted more. As it is right now I make the statement “I do not know how to make a stand for my honesty and integrity,” and though that is what I believe there is a little voice that comes up and disagrees with me. I cannot tell if it is the voice of some greater intuition or if it is the voice of some delusional concept of reality. I end up spinning my wheels here because I cannot tell the difference.

I am for the moment going to say that I do not know how to take a stand on my integrity. I’ll try to stay open the the opposite being true and if my mind changes as time goes on then so be it.

(I realize that last little bit never quite congealed. I know more of what is going on there than what I wrote, I’m going to pick up some other stuff before I go into it though.)

Where I am seeing myself as slipping into a lack of passion the most is in relation to hiding things from people. Before I considered it to be the most moral and sensible course of action to be as open with people as possible. That drive is withering as well. The other night I was laying and listing to T talk about seeing Wayne and S in the shower and after a bit M came in. M was talking to T and all of what he was saying was loaded alot. It was weird to lay there and hear M load things. I didn’t know if he knew what he was doing or not. As they talked more it became clear that M was as concerned about stuff dealing with himself as he was with the pain that T was suffering. M was really incensed at the lack of compassion shown by Wayne and S in taking a shower together. It seemed though that it wasn’t just because of the fact that it hurt T that he was incensed. Maybe it had something to do with relationships in general or S in specific.

I am, as my writing shows, very hesitant to say that I saw M doing anything that M wasn’t aware of. It really was there though. I was very surprised to see it. I have this general concept of M as being very aware and seeing him not see something was strange. It drove home for me the idea that you don’t just get it all together one day and everything is fine. Even the enlightened people who have been around since the beginning of time still are unclear sometimes.

The reason that I doubt my passion as of late is that I am taking what I consider to be the cowards way out. I keep talking to people and I see things that they are doing and I just let them be. I am not a very challenging person. I do not have a very strong desire to see the people around me change and grow. It sounds nice and all to say that I am accepting of the people around me, but that is not what is going on. I have abandoned the people around me. I am detached from them and I have no faith that they will be willing to change in order to see what I see.

I’m not talking about enforcing anything major onto people that could be a place where I am trying to impose something that is completely subjective onto someone. I’m just talking about minor breaches of clarity. Like with M loading what he was saying to T, I saw that and I am 95% certain that was what was going on, but I did not say anything. I simply let the disclarity stand and I did so deliberately.

Maybe if I had some broader philosophical backing for what I am doing it would sit better in my mind, but I don’t. I do not put myself out for other people because I do not think that they will listen and because I do not care enough about them to put myself out there on the off chance that it will have an affect.

I dislike how this is going. I want to be a caring person, but I don’t know how to. Before what I called caring was tied up so much in being liked and being understood and communicating. Right now I don’t think that I can really communicate with much of anybody. I even wonder why I write this. It seems like I spend lots of time talking and the responses that I get simply do not show comprehension of who I am or where I am coming from. I see very good reasons for this. I see that other people have their own lives to deal with and their own thoughts to think. I do not want to try to force people to understand me (honestly I do not think that I have anything that is really worth the time necessary anyway.)

I wonder sometimes what I could say that would be of any real value and I don’t come up with much. It seems like everything is fleeting. All of my words don’t amount to anything. I wish that I could find some way to express myself; if not in writing then some other way. I don’t know how to though and I don’t know right now that even if I could do that there would be anything of value there either.

I think that is a big part of my problem. I do not understand what it means to be a person worthy of love. That statement doesn’t have a place in my body where it makes sense. I can say it in a rational way, but I don’t really understand it. It is not only that I don’t understand it for myself it is that I do not understand it for anybody.

I tried writing a little while back about compassion and love. I thought at the time that I knew what they meant to some degree. I remember feeling things in my body when I said the words and thought about the ideas. They made sense internally. Those places don’t feel real anymore. I don’t see why it is any better to live in those places than why it is better to live in fear. I am at least comfortable (to an extent) when I let myself be controlled by fear. I am not sure that I will get much of anything from trying to live in the compassionate place.

And it does matter to me what I get. I have not seen my actions changing the lives of those around me much at all. It seems as though people are headed on the paths that they are headed on and I can have little affects, but they are going to do what they are ready for when they are ready for it. I am just fluff which changes the appearance of things only.

I think that what happened with L and with women in general is finally kicking into my self-efficacy. I have had very little sucess in developing a successful relationship and I attribute that lack of sucess a good deal to the fact that I do not have dramatic affects on people. That is not just a me thing, very few people have dramatic affects on others. Maybe over the course of time things change, but how much of that is a persons natural inclination to change in a certain way and how much of that is anything that I am actually a part of.

I am just wallowing in self pity over feeling unloved, misunderstood, and unappreciated. The thing that really has changed is why I don’t stop. I know that this kind of delusion is one of the bad things that I ought to stop doing, but I do not care. I am at a point of resignation right now. I do not have the faith that I can make my life a better place to be.

I have all these little tags that are telling me to write about them and some of them I am ignoring.Maybe I have gone as far as I am going to go. Maybe it is in the cards for me to sit here and stagnate. I have oftentimes thought that if I had been a popular person in high school that I never would have gotten involved in mentor. I would have been happy with my life and I would not have wanted to change.

Well, I was happy with my life. Up until I started thinking about it. Now I don’t have any motivation and I am depressed on top of that. What a way to do things.

I am worried here about being open about being depressed. I know that you know that I am planning on being a part of the RLT group with S and some freshmen. I do not want you to think that I am going to let this seep into that group and want to try to keep me from doing it. Once when we were talking about my parents I told you that I had no reason to lie to you because I had no ties to you and nothing that you could take away from me. Well now you do. I am going to continue to try to be honest, please don’t take stuff away from me because of it.

(Child-parent transaction to the first degree.) Well, I was vulnerable, the willingness to do that is a sign of a certain level of maturity.

All of that is another thing. Nothing feels real because it all changes so easily. Nothing holds still for me to say this is really a part of me. I have been depressed, but I am depressed because I want to be. When I have needed to stop being depressed I have stopped. If I can change it so easily is it real? What is real?

Was that last bit a lie to make myself sound more stable than I really am? Maybe, I dunno. I could tell that it made me sound more stable as I was writing, but I can’t tell how much that fact was a factor in my writing.

I am recognizing alot of my writing habits from when I was writing my freshman year. They are more subdued, but I am switching topics sporadically and I am analyzing my thoughts and second guessing myself as I write. It is a viable way to write I guess. I wonder how much more difficult it is to read than something that is more straightforward. It seems like it would be since I am jumping topics between paragraphs.

I need to pay attention to how well I preface my paragraphs especially ones where I am switching topics. I think that this style of writing is a product of my more intuitive side, I wonder how well I can hold a S tag like proper prefaces and not interfere with the intuition.

I went over to the girls dorms last night and spent some time around there. The atmosphere is very friendly. I think that doing the honors housing has done alot to help bond those girls and give them a support structure. N is interested in going out with a girl named L Vehr and as part of his plans he has been to get me to go out with her roommate Jennifer Milam so that he will have a reason to be around. His playing cupid is not all motivated by his attraction to L, there is other stuff there as well, but the basic idea is that he is trying to get us together; a process that includes him not only trying to influence me, but her as well.

I am uncertain about what to do here. This is a relationship concept and as such I have the seemingly obligatory thousand things to say about it. In short she seems to be a nice enough person, but I don’t know if I want to do anything with her romantically. I am considering becoming a confirmed bachelor.

It was an important revelation to me to realize that I do not want L to be in the group on the RLT. I had minor schemes going on about getting to talk to her there and though I did not plan to be manipulative I did consider the fact that it would be time spent together to be a plus. I realized though the other day that I don’t want her to be in there. I do not like the drive that I have to play games while she is around. I think that I have already said something similar to this somewhere else, but I am willing to try to be there for her if she seriously needs me, but as for hanging about and playing social games with her I am not interested. I think that she and I would both be better off if she were somewhere else.

Trying to talk about where I am with women has been frustrating. I have tried to talk about it some with both E and N and neither one of them listened to me at all. I really am tired of playing social games and I really am coming to the point where I would as soon be by myself as off talking about nothing with some girl in the hopes that she will go out with me. I tried to talk with E first about it and he dismissed what I was saying out of hand, N was pretty much the same.

This doesn’t hurt so much as it is just another push to give up on trying to talk to people about things that matter to me. I do great talking to people if I let them have the floor and try to understand where they are coming from, but when I talk I don’t feel like I get that kind of acceptance. Peck talks about selective listening where the person listening has an ulterior agenda that they are trying to carry out. I usually am a selective listener, I find it hard to let go of my concepts of how things ought to be enough not to. I try to be accepting of the place where the other person is coming from though and I try to understand. I don’t see that effort being put forth very much by other people.

Not thinking that I have a very good capacity to communicate is a big stumbling block for me. I don’t try very hard with my relationships because I don’t think that people will understand. I wonder if I am developed more or just different. I do not think that my inability to communicate is all my fault. Alot of it is that other people don’t listen.

I am going to write more later about lying and how much I am doing it. At least stuff like hiding the truth. I don’t tell N about everything that I know about L, I don’t tell T everything the I know about Wayne, I don’t tell V everything that I know about K. I have so many areas where I am trusted by other people to know things and I keep so many secrets. I do not have anyone who I do not have any secrets from. I do not know if I like it this way or not. I like being trusted, but I don’t like not being open with people. I want people to feel free to talk to me about whatever is on their mind without worrying about it getting out, but I don’t want to be burdened with maintaining someone else’s deceptions. Do I have to chose between the two?

I’m going now, I’ll write more later.

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