Archive for September, 1998

technical issues on calling people

Ok, one of the things that I have felt more driven to do as I have been working on my integrity is calling people on places where I think that they are being unclear.

I sent H a message today about her responses on drinking and her response didn’t acknowledge that I had said anything of value and pretty much went through and systematically discounted everything that I said. There was a general holier (or at least more advanced) than thou feel to the whole thing.

Everything that I said was discounted on the fact that I didn’t have the proper contexts for where it was that she was operating from. It was mildly annoying, but pretty much what I was thinking was going to happen.

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drunkenness

I was wondering who to send this to. I decided in the end to just do cor because I don’t want to feel as though I have to pull punches in order to avoid confusing people.

I want to know what is going on? What exactly has happened that has been so horribly awful bad to warrant this kind of condemnation?

To address the issues that C brought up I will point out the fact that we never know what the results of our actions will be. The only course of action for people is to make a best guess based on the available information and go with it. The drama with which the issues at hand here are being addressed I think doesn’t speak of the seriousness of the issues, but rather the issues of the speakers.

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dammit, I heard you

“He who, with Marcus Aurelius, can truly say, `O Universe, I wish all that thou wishest has a self for which no wind can blow except to fill its sails.”

-William James

That was another fellow who just happened to be named the same as me. The thought is pertinent here though.

Your last statement before I left was that I was imposing my will upon L. If she wants to have shallow relationships, shouldn’t I respect her enough to let her go off and do it?

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q: Carl Jung

“We need to listen to our feelings but decide with our minds.”

-Carl Jung

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will data point, to which the last letter I sent from L was a reply

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 23-SEP-1998
To:	L
Subj:	re: lots of stuff

N said something about there being lots of stuff being said by people. Before three days ago the only people that I had talked to with any depth about any of this were N and V and David, and I didn’t think that with them I made you out to be a bad person. I have never told anyone that I thought that you were evil or mean or anything like that. In the past couple of days I have talked to more people.

I’m asking you to remember than until three days ago I was operating under the extremely delusional concept that you were off having lots of fun and that none of this bothered you at all.

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yet another L data point for you

From:	L
To:	WJH3957
Subj:	next letter in the series

I appreciate the way you are communicating with me now. It’s a lot easier to handle, in fact, it’s down right simple. I like that I’m reading your e-mail and not going off on some emotional rollercoaster.

I am however curious as to what these 5 different picures are that people are presenting you with. This part I am completely unaware of since during the course of one day I have ranged from rock bottom to a precarious high, and I’m not sure what people assume in seeing different parts of that. Where are you getting these pictures from?

Something that I’ve been thinking about alot that I want to make clear to you is that I don’t have a negative opinion of you at all. I’m not angry at all with you though at times I was angry with the things you were saying to me. I don’t think badly of you at all. I think you’re a great person and there are many things about you that I still value. Possibly your friendship?

The things that have been happening don’t make me think any less of you, they have just hurt, and that does go away. It would hurt alot more if I thought you still believed that way about me. (From what you’ve said, I assumed that you don’t)

About talking with A…I must say that I don’t know how open I’ll be able to be around her. I don’t know if everything that needs to be said (by me) will come out. As it is I have difficulty opening myself up to people who are my friends, to me she’s almost a complete stranger. I don’t know how far I’ll be able to get in that aspect. Like I said in my last e-mail, I try to keep my deepest feeling between me and possible the other party involved, but that’s already blown to hell so why not…I can try. If possible, perhaps if not everything is covered we could talk privately?

Well, I must go and study now. Talk you you later.

L

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more data points for L

This is L’s latest response to me. It is very level-headed I think. She doesn’t even spell check. Golly. This is all just so clear and thought out and certain. And yet she doesn’t seem overly rigid.

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different type of honest letter to L

This is a letter that I sent this morning. It is a definite shift from what I sent the day before. This one was honestly alot easier to write. I was more open and personal and it was scary, but I was writing about myself and not making judgements about her. The one that I sent that focused on her was really harsh and really rough; I am very uncomfortable writing about stuff like that and it is very hard not to simply detach and let pain and defensiveness talk.

I thought when I checked over that message that I sent out that it wasn’t all that bad. I read it again this morning and it hurt me to read it. I haven’t had a harder time before maintaining my rational detachment. That letter really did look ok to me right before I sent it. Why can’t I just be perfect and get it right all of the time? =)

I think that both this kind of honesty where I am being honest about where I am coming from and the kind of honesty that I tried for with the other letter where I say what I think the other person is doing are both important. Just in this case given where L is right now this one is what was called for. The other one wasn’t.

Do you all like this one? It was hard for me to write and I think it is pretty open. Then again maybe I’ll read it again tomorrow and think I’m full of crap. Who knows?

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poem quote: T.S. Eliot

This is a little section of poetry that has stuck with me and popped up from time to time. I started thinking about it again today for some reason. I dunno why. I thought I would share. It is from a poem by T.S. Eliot called East Coker. What I have here is lines 73 – 95.

Most of it makes sense to me on at least some level, but when he goes off to play in the woods for a bit there at the end and then comes back, that is a bit strange and though he makes sense still, I don’t understand why he decided to traipse off.

It was not (to start again) what one had expected.
What was to be the value of the long looked forward to,
Long hoped for calm, the autumnal serenity
And the wisdom of age? Had they deceived us
Or deceived themselves, the quiet-voiced elders,
Bequeathing us merely a receipt for deceit?
The serenity only a deliberate hebetude,
The wisdom only the knowledge of dead secrets
Useless in the darkness into which they peered
Or from which they turned their eyes. There is, it seems to us,
At best, only a limited value
In the knowledge derived from experience.
The knowledge imposes a pattern, and falsifies,
For the pattern is new in every moment
And every moment is a new and shocking
Valuation of all we have been. We are only undeceived
Of that which, deceiving, could no longer harm.
In the middle, not only in the middle of the way
But all the way, in a dark wood, in a bramble,
On the edge of a grimpen, where is no secure foothold,
And menaced by monsters, fancy lights,
Risking enchantment. Do not let me hear
Of the wisdom of old men, but rather of their folly,
Their fear of fear and frenzy, their fear of possession,
Of belonging to another, or to others, or to God.
The only wisdom we can hope to acquire
Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless.

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some perspective please

Ok, if you have read my last message I told her that if she was pissed I would like it if she would just go ahead and let it out rather than just leaving me out in the open not knowing what was going on. Well, she did kinda. I would say that I got mildly nipped.

My strongest reactions right now are body reactions. I can’t see much of anything going on mentally. I am up a bit and detaching some and doing rational analysis, but not all that much. The most striking thing is that I am very cold all over (the fact that this lab is a freezer doesn’t help, but I wasn’t cold like this until I read what she wrote.) I’m also shaking in the center of my chest around where my heart is.

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