It took me over an hour and alot of talking and getting really nervous, but about 2:30 this morning I kissed L and we made a tentative agreement to start some kind of a relationship thingie.

The word relationship in the connotation of romantic relationship has very little meaning at this point in time. I have only done this twice and both times were completely different and neither one of them was really satisfying. I’m just going to do it day by day and see how things turn out.

Major fears at this point: well duh. That I am going to fast. That I should give L more time to get acclimated to college before I go into anything like this for her. That I am going so fast because I am afraid that if I wait then she’ll go out with someone else. That is there; her involvement with Matt pushed me some and I would have taken things slower if he had not been there as competition.

I don’t know that I would have gone alot slower though. I have been e-mailing with L for about the last half of the summer and I like her. What I think happened with J and what I am very afraid of happening again is me getting involved with someone because I am wanting to be in a relationship and not because I am really attracted to that person. I don’t think that is going on here; L is really cool and I like being with her.

At this point I do not think that I am doing anything wrong. Really the only warning sign is the one of going too fast and the main danger in that is that I would try to keep her isolated and needy in order to keep her around, but given the fact that I never see her except for at night and that she is developing several good friends outside of my peer group most of those fears are unrealistic I think.

I think that a relationship founded on choice rather than need is more satisfying in the long run, I am just scared to let go of the need based stuff because I am not sure if I will have a relationship if I let it go.

Whadda y’all think? -Will

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