to L on stuff

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)"  4-AUG-1998 12:38:13.67
To:	AOL
Subj:	matthew

I’m gonna try to go into what I think about my brother right now. This is no small task for me as our relationship has been a strange and varied one as the years have gone by. Our relation to one another is such a complex and dynamic organism that I have difficulty even contemplating it, let alone trying to capture it in writing.

I would really like to give you whatever insight that I can though. I don’t know if anything that I see is right or if it will help, but I’m going to try to give you as honest an impression as I can. Really that’s all that I know to do.

Why do you have to be related to such a person…?

I guess that this is about as good of a place to start as any.

Matt would not be the person that he is had it not been for me. His life was lived in part following behind me and being pressured to conform to the standards that I set.

I had several classes with Josh Hubble, and I can remember class after class where his teachers would call him Gabe accidentally or they would ask him at the beginning of the year if he were Gabe’s brother. I know that to some extent Matt had the same things happen to him. Granted I wasn’t a stellar student in high school, but I am pretty smart and I managed to leave an impression of some kind, most often good, on all of my teachers.

I really don’t know what it is like to have that kind of pressure on me. I was the first and whatever I did set the stage. I know that Matt doesn’t think that he is intelligent. He is though. I have listened to him talk and especially I have listened to him argue and he has a good mind. He has always had me and Brett there as his competition though and that is not fair. Both of us have got good minds too, and any time that he was to fail I’m sure that it stung to look around him and see that his brothers had done whatever it was that he couldn’t. I have had times when I have been competing with other people and have not made it and rarely do I stop to think that the person that I am striving against has probably failed too.

Right now I think that he has by and large given up on the world which my parents and I are a part of. He is rebelling and searching for a place to call his own.

I was arguing with Sharon about this the other night when we went to the movie. She really doesn’t like how Matt acts and she fears that he is going to do something that will screw up his life permanently. Secretly also, I think that she resents him some for the pain that he has caused my parents and the way that he treats people.

As you can probably tell my side to the story was a bit more sympathetic. I empathize with Matt’s search for identity. I went through my own for a while and though I took a different route I still needed to figure out what I wanted my life to be about and what it was that I was about. I really don’t know how far Matt will go and if he will do something that he can’t undo. As best I can figure I think that it would be better for him to live his own life with his own values and have to pay a price for that than it would be for him to live a lie for free.

I don’t talk about it, because I don’t want to make YOU uncomfortable.

Lawzy lawzy L. =) So far this summer the only thing that has made me uncomfortable is being afraid that I am making you uncomfortable. =) (Ironic, ain’t it?)

I struggled at school for months trying to figure out what I had done wrong… But then it wasn’t fair that I was blaming it all on myself… So I started blaming it all on him… It didn’t work either way. I still couldn’t give it up. I didn’t even try until after Christmas…

That sounds exactly like what I went through after D broke up with me. Except I started out saying that it was all her fault. =) But really it wasn’t, nor was it mine. To this day I could not answer the question of what exactly happened in our relationship. I can name some things that went well and some things that went poorly, but as for why it ended when it ended and why it ended at all I do not know. I think that perhaps relationships are (for the most part) just too complicated to really figure out.

They’re just kinda make it up as you go along kinda deals. (Which is a pain for me, seeing as I tend to think about stuff, but I reckon that I’ll adapt.) =)

I sent him that damn Christmas card, because Irene was on my side (one of few incidents where this was so) about the whole thing, and didn’t think it screamed out “I’m pathetic” but instead was just a nice kind of a thing. I harbored some fairy tale dream that life would somehow cease to be cruel, and that he would return my efforts…

I was there when he got that card. I really thought that it was a noble effort and that you were trying to be mature and not hold resentment against him for what he did.

I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t even know if I should tell you this, but he was far from as nice in his interpretation. I’m trying to figure out if this is the same case as when CJ told you about Jecinda talking about you. I don’t want to tell you stuff just to make you feel bad. It actually hurt me to listen to him talk when he got your card; I can only imagine what it would have done to you. I’m really sorry, but at least then your hope that things would cease to be cruel was a fairy tale. (())

I kind of lashed out on the male race when I got back to school–my intentions were solely to do damage…and I did succeed. I dated this very polite, sweet, well-mannered boy named Brian… and I broke his heart. The worst part is that I set out to do this, and I did it on purpose… I did it again, too. I went out to parties, clubs, frat houses (didn’t succeed there, they are MUCH better at that than other people). I feel bad about it, but I was trying to prove I wasn’t the spineless, unattractive, virtueless, worthless creature that I had been treated as in the past…

Ouch. I feel a bit of pity for Brian, but I really admire the fact that you recognize what you did and why you did it. Most people when they are feeling really bad about themselves can’t even see it and they just lash out without seeing. The fact that at least now you know what it was that you were doing shows alot of maturity.

Do you think that you got it out of you system? =) But seriously, how do you think that you feel about yourself now? I feel hokey asking, but it really does matter.

I developed a fondness for three people then: C, L, and J (you may not know about him yet…). I am not sure what happened to my big obsession at that time, I suppose I “shelved” it away (not exactly dealing with it, just putting it away from sight for awhile) somewhere in my head… back there with the cobwebs = )

I hate to do this, but I’m gonna have to whip out some of my words and get analytical. I try not to do this kind of thing in public because I tend not to be understood, but I don’t think that I have much other option right now. I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. =)

Actually I might be able to get away from the analysis with an anecdote. Whew. This’ll be interesting, you happen to be the subject of this anecdote, so you’ll get to hear me tell you about you. Neat, huh?

You might not know it, but to this date you are the only person who I have ever been infatuated with. I care very deeply about several people, but infatuation really is a different sort of creature than is caring. My caring runs deeper and is a quieter more powerful emotion. Infatuation is like being on an adrenaline rush. I was full of energy and pretty much was acting like a goofball. Erin and I were talking about falling in love the other night and I think that what I am calling infatuation is pretty much a crush.

Anyhow, as you’ll remember there was a time when I was rather taken with you; one of the symptoms was lots and lots of poetry. =) That was at the end of my senior year. Then it happened again at the before I went back to school for my sophomore year, but that time it was less. And once or twice as this last semester went on and I was in a rough spot romantically I would dream a bit and think that maybe if I had gone out with you I wouldn’t have to put up with whatever stupid crap that it was that I was being put through at that moment. But again with every passing time the driving need behind the infatuation was less and less.

Dammit, I am going to have to get a little analytical because I have run up against my old problem of correct language. Yuck. =P Ok, I am using infatuation to mean two different things and I oughtn’t. One is a certain mood that you get into when you are falling in love; it is full of energy and you feel like you are floating on a cloud. The other is the driving need to go out with a certain person; the thinking that if I could only have this person then everything will be good in my life and I will be happy forever after. They can make my world a better place.

It is not the first one that is fading. I still hope very much to fall in love some time and have my brains turn to mush, but the second one where I have to have this one certain person and if I don’t get them then I’ll never meet another person as cool ever again is fading. It was both of those that I had going on with you. That day that we went to Steele Creek and talked was really important to me and I felt understood that day like I had not felt before and really haven’t since.

Some of what was going on was what I can talk about rationally where I recognize that I did things with you that I hadn’t done with anyone else, and that was a part of the need. A very small part though, most of it was my secret belief that I was an unattractive person; that I was too strange for anyone to fall in love with, that I was not “cool” enough for anyone to really care for. Those feelings were what was really driving me and as I have developed relationships with people and found that I really do make a darn good friend I’ve gained the capacity to let go.

I’ve come more to the place where I think that you are really neat and what-not, but if you just wanna be friends, then I can go somewhere else and look for a girlfriend. I’m not as worried anymore that if I let you get away then I’ll be doomed to a lonely life. =) Now granted I still don’t get it, but I reckon that you’re just weird. 😉

And I seem to remember having a point at some time… =) Whatever did I do with that. Hmmm, is it over here… nope. Hmmm… Ah ha, found it. =)

Well, since I’ve kinda passed where I was originally headed (oops) =) I’ll let you catch up some so that my reply will make more sense.

When I began to get serious about C, I was forced to kind of deal with it. I knew C was way different (damn good thing) and he treated me differently then… One day I was at his house in Chattanooga, and we were on the sofa soaking up some rays and kissing…and I just felt very happy. I felt peaceful, actually. Right before I fell asleep that night, I thanked God for letting me be able to put the past away. And I truly believed I was “over” him. I fell asleep and slept one of the best sleeps of my life…

I hadn’t thought much about it since… except for somewhat uncomfortable conversations with John, and of course, William… Not until last week did the strange hate/love/fear/wish feeling ever occur to come back for a little visit. I am not a terribly easy person to surprise, but this sure as heck did it. No one on the face of the earth (unless it was C) could have surprised me more…

Ok, I think that we’re about even now. =)

What I was going to say is that I don’t think that there is exactly a static “over it” that you get to. There are good days and there are bad days. I don’t think that the way that you felt when you were with C wasn’t true. At that time you were comfortable with how things were so you didn’t have the desires pulling at you. Things have gotten rocky since then and you don’t have the same comfortable place to lay your head, so things are harder.

It is the same way with everyone. I’m doing really well right now because all of my friendships have been going really well. It could happen though that tomorrow I screw up really badly and piss everyone that I know off, and I would probably feel really bad about myself and I would start to be pulled around by desires just like always.

Willie spent the weekend up in KY with my girl Kris and her wacky sister Erica… Somehow (tis to be expected) I suppose I came up as a conversational topic. And Kris somehow slipped and mentioned “the” phone call… to which Willie began to spout off. He said it was some kind of a planned thing. It was done to “feel me out.” Apparently the verdict was that I am still pathetically in love with Matt, and would take him back at any second, should he so desire something of that sort…

Um…yeah. Kristin apparently went off on that. William said “Whatever”. The topic was changed…

This pisses me off. He did it on purpose to boost his own ego (which probably didn’t need it too badly). I hate that. That really does tick me off.

I think that William can be a nice enough guy, but it’s hard to tell since he wastes so much time being a pissant. He really likes to know the inside scoop and spread rumors and stuff. I guess it’s just because he wants to be a part of the group, but it annoys me.

I reckon that I’ll go ahead with everything, I reckon that you deserve to know. I think that what William said is probably pretty close to the truth. I don’t see Matt that often and I talk to him even less, but in the snippets that I have heard him talk about where he has mentioned you it seems that he pretty much looks at you as a loyal lap dog that’ll jump when he says jump and roll over when he says roll over. He does get an ego boost from the fact that you like him.

He can look at you and it affirms his attractiveness because “of course he is attractive, here is this person who adores him.”

Will, I will always love that damn booger. I will. It won’t be that evident, that obvious, or that nagging… but it will always be there. I am most certain of that. Thing is, I don’t even know if he even gives a damn. He uses it to play little games with… L doesn’t have feelings or anything like that does she? Some people do not think so.

I don’t claim to understand how Matt works. He and I are, in part because we are brothers, worlds apart in how we think. If you would like my advice get the hell out of Dodge as soon as you can. I really don’t think that anything good will come of hanging around.

Matt has freedom and strength. Those are the things that I really admire in him, but he has them at a cost that I am not willing to pay. He is very comfortable with people and interacts with them extremely well because he doesn’t connect with them in the same way that I do or that you do. It’s not exactly that he doesn’t care about you, it’s only that he doesn’t care about you much apart from what you can do for him.

You mentioned once that you wouldn’t trust him much farther than you could throw him. I’d trust Matt to the end of the world to cover his own behind, but I wouldn’t expect him to sacrifice his happiness for mine. I’m not saying that I’m related to the anti-Christ or anything, Matt has surprised me and been selfless a few times, but I really do think that by and large he is looking out for himself first and while he doesn’t go out of his way to hurt people, he doesn’t try too hard not to.

I’m just saying that if you are looking for someone to care for you and to nurture you and develop a deep and caring relationship with you I would recommend looking somewhere else. Matt is not about those things right now. He is having some fun and I just think that if you are looking for something serious then you’ll just get used and hurt.

It bothered me alot when Matt dumped Keely a little while ago. She was really devoted to him and he just dumped her. It boggles my mind how I try so hard to develop a relationship with that kind of committment and fail over and over, but how he treats people with so little respect and they keep falling into his lap. It is very frustrating. I was talking to my mom though after we we’re through running about it and I agree with what she said, Keely was like his wrestling, his mountain biking, his climbing, his mountaineering, his kayaking, and all the other brief but bright flames that have passed through his life; toys. He likes toys, but he doesn’t want anything serious.

It makes me very sad (and I am about to cry, actually) to think that the only person I have ever truly loved (I never told C how I really really felt…it was never said, never certain) regards me as such… Where does our labor, our “blood, sweat, and tears” get us? Why should we care about anyone?

Good gosh girl, you aren’t going to judge all relationships based on this one. That would be a bit (dammit, I forgot my word, oh dear, my mind is decaying at the ripe ol’ age of 19) =) (arrr; thump, thump…) quick (that’s not the right word, but its close enough.)

I think that if you had devoted you blood sweat and tears to a different man you might be singing a very different tune. Trust me on this one, there are guys out there who want very much the same thing that you do from a relationship. Now I won’t say that these guys are easy to find; guys, much like girls have a tendency to be stupid, but there are a few gems out there.

I know that saying forget him is unrealistic and I hope that it doesn’t make you mad that I suggested it. I don’t mean stop remembering the good parts about him or stop caring about him. Simply stop wanting him to fill the needs that you have for a relationship. Now I know that’s not easy either, but it is doable I think. I really do think tat you’d be happier if you could let him go and find someone else who is more ready to be involved in the kind of thing that you are looking for.

Then I think that you’ll know the answer to “why care about anyone?” It’s because it feels so good inside, and it’s about the only thing that I have found that is really worth anything.

I don’t know what I think Will. I don’t know what I would do. I both shudder and rejoice to think I would be given the chance to find out….

What is it that you would like from him? What is it that you are looking for?

I did not speak of such things before because I contacted you solely for the purpose of YOU this summer, and I never ever wanted you to even wonder otherwise.

I never had a doubt. =) I actually didn’t even think of it. I know that my brother is a really special person, but I am a very special person as well. Granted in a different way, but none the less very special. =)

I just can’t figure out how the world is supposed to work.

I could tell you, but thing are so boring since I figured life, the universe, and everything out. And I’d probably get in trouble anyway, “they” like to keep a low profile, you know? And after all, “once the mystery is gone it’s all down hill from there.” =)

I have such passion within me, I cannot restrain it.

Cool, I have that problem too. =) It gets me weird looks sometimes.

Please reply and tell me you do not hate me now…

And you said that you wrote books? Hah, you knew nothing of books. =) Who’s th’ daddy? =) I think that you could take the sign that I have taken four hours and written this reply as a pretty good sign that I do not hate you. =)

I am just tired and confused. I had a horrible day at work, and then Kris tells me this…

(()) Again, I’m sorry that you hurt.

-Will

P.S. The usual disclaimer; if there is anything really offensive in here it is because someone else snuck in here while I was turned around and wrote it. =) Let me know what you think. We’re still on for tonight, right?

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