sleeping

This is a little something that I was going over in one of my classes. I was at first reluctant to write it up. As of late I have not been wanting to write very much. I am frustrated with what seems to be alot of time spent with no real purpose or reward. It seems like so much of what there is for me to devote my time to doesn’t really seem to do much to satisfy me.

That is, if I am going to write, what I really ought to write about.

Hang on, I have an even better one. L. You remember L? She is my little sib. So far we’ve had a religion talk and a relationships talk and she slept in my bed last night. =) That’s not saying much though, I’ve been here for over a week and so far I have only slept in my bed alone one time. Wayne, S, V, N, L and I have all spent the night there (not all at once mind you.)

I do not want to make a pretense of the fact that I am breaking the sib rules. L is a friend of mine from home who I knew to a small extent in high school. By and large I don’t know her at all from that time, but a really good friend of mine back home who I spent most of my social time with over the summer is a very good friend of hers.

Ok, I am here and now officially giving up on trying to please you in this e-mail. I can see that desire shading how I am saying things, and I don’t think that it is worth wasting mine or your time piddling around trying to say everything in nice ways so as to preserve the peace.

Ok, I feel better now. Not better in the sense of happier, there is a weight in my chest and a knot in my throat, but I don’t feel like I am lying as much.

I am afraid of alot of things right now. I have talked to Wayne some, but he is on a mature relationship kick with S and the kind of distance and control that is part of what he is describing is not what I am looking for right now.

I’ll put down the long and the short of it. I like L. I am interested in dating L, but the uncertainties involved tend to overwhelm me and I do not know which way is up.

For one, I really did not like the relationship that I had with J. I did not feel safe with her and I did not trust her, and I do not want to be involved in that kind of relationship again. I think that I am trying to build L up into something that she is not so that I will want to go out with her. At the same time I think that I am tearing down things about her because I do not want to get attached and needy and scare her away.

The logical part of my mind knows lots of reasons that this won;t work out. She hasn’t had any training what-so-ever and how could she possibly have the desires for a real relationship. I do not know very much about who she really is and I am afraid to dig in. I really do like her and I do not want to drive her away.

As it is some kind of committment that I would really like to have. I talk about these things with Wayne and it is strange because he goes into “all you want is security and safety” as though that were some great mystery. I can see a rift forming between how he looks at things and how I look at things. I am seeking satisfaction and I will take whatever road I think that it is that will lead me there. If living a life of cowardice and deception would bring me satisfaction then that is how I would live my life. I have given up on my hopes of an eternal greater good. What is good is what is good for me.

And I can already see you missing what I am saying. I did not say it well, to say that I don’t believe in an eternal greater good could be easily mistaken for me saying that I think that I am the standard for value. I don’t believe that. I have tried, but it did not bring me satisfaction to think like that. Writing where people are talking about God as the source of reality and of value is making more sense to me. I think that the road to satisfaction is set by something other than myself, but I think that in order to follow it I can’t know ahead of time what the path will look like or I will follow what I believe is there rather than what is there.

It is thinking too much that is my problem. I am so scared of having another relationship like what I had with J and I really don’t want to do that. I am so worried that I will scare L away by being to clingy or by making her uncomfortable. It bothers me so to think that I don’t really care about L the person at all and all that really matters to me is being in a relationship because I need it in order to prove to myself that I am not a loser. Everything that I am afraid of is because I am thinking in the past or in the future and it is destroying the present.

I keep wondering what you will think as you read this. I am stealing left and right from all kinds of different writings. I have hit on Eliot three times in the last two paragraphs. Do you see these things when you read? I was wondering how I would like you to respond. If you had an answer that would clear my thinking that would be nice, but I haven’t really gotten anything mind blowing yet, so that’s probably unrealistic.

I feel like I’m sharpening my claws on you. Not really attacking, but scraping and occasionally trying to stick you. That’s not very nice of me. I would think that it wouldn’t bother you, but I don’t know how much of that is A the super-mentor picture and how much of that is A the living breathing person.

I wouldn’t be bothered as much if she weren’t so naturally flirtatious. The sleeping together thing would be alot for most people and a sure sign of an interest and a bit of a committment, but she has a relaxed attitude about physicality that makes me uncertain. Her flirtation is really good though. I see it, but only out of the corner of my eye. She treats guys (I haven’t seen her interact with females as much) with a casual interest that makes them feel good.

I am thinking of this because I just got through sending to V and he was going to Wal-mart with me and he knew that someone else was going, but he didn’t know who. I didn’t think anything of it, but in the course of the conversation I mentioned that L wasn’t going and there was a definite crestfallen turn in his writing.

That is the basis for alot of my fears. I have been around her with lots of guys and she attracts lots of guys. I do not want to be just another face in the crowd. I still have very strong doubts about my attractiveness and my capacity to be a good partner in a relationship. I can logically list a bunch of relationship traits that I do very well and a whole slew of reasons why I would make a good partner, but I do not believe them deep deep down. I have them down to maybe -2 or so.

-Will

P.S. I can smell her hair as I am writing. Neat. =)

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