letter to wayne on depression

From:	TTU::WJH3957   "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)"  5-AUG-1998 07:52
Subj:	depression

This sucks, I’m starting to get depressed. Not just depressed, I’m starting to tear into myself and tear myself down. I can see it happening and I don’t know how to stop it.

I went out again with L last night and I think that is what is doing it. I keep talking to her about guys and from what she is saying she doesn’t seem to have all that stringent of qualifications, and yet I don’t seem to make the cut. I really do not know why not.

It makes me wonder if there is something that she sees in me that I don’t.

There’s one of those self-fulfilling cycles going on. I keep telling myself that I’m a loser because I’m not confident enough and then I keep second guessing myself because I think that I am a loser. I hate this shit. I wish that I could just say that it is all false and then throw it out of the window, but I don’t really believe that.

We went in the video store last night and there were two guys there who knew her and they both said hi. I never run into people who know me. I went home and I was thinking about high school; I don’t really have any friends from high school except for a very few that I have worked to stay in touch with. L has people calling her up on the telephone asking her to do stuff. I always have to call people to get them to do anything.

I’m starting to lose my hope that I can be the kind of person that I want to be. I thought that I was strong enough to be confident and to be someone that people really liked, but I just don’t know.

I’ve been thinking about mentor and the peer group that I have at school. I’ve been thinking about getting out of it for a while. I really want to know if I can be good enough to live the popular life. It is something that has always bothered me and it hasn’t gone away much with any of the work that I have been doing.

The people that we hang out with at school are not the really popular people and they never were. They are the more serious intellectual types, not the serious socialites. I want to be a normal teenager. I hear adults talking about teenagers I am not one of the teenagers I am one of the adults. I never was young and irresponsible.

As it stands I have never tried that way of life. High school was really the only time that I tried it and in high school I didn’t ever manage to make any friends and get into it, so in a sense as it stands it has rejected me. I want to know if I am good enough. I want the chance to go and be popular and a socialite and then look from within that and decide if that is how I want to live my life or not.

Really this is just a continuation of the same pursuit that I have had all along. I want not to be afraid of people. I want to be able to meet anyone and not fear that they are somehow better than I am and that I have to change who I am in order to be acceptable. As it is now when I meet popular people I lie to them because I am afraid that the way that I am is not as good as how they are. And how can I really say that right now. I didn’t chose the way that I am over the way that they are. I had the choice made for me. And they had the choice; how hard is it for a person to walk the road that I have walked?

Hmmm, actually I wonder the answer to that question. How hard has my life been? Could just anyone do it?

I really don’t think that it has been all that hard. Parts of it have really been unpleasant, but those were not things that I undertook, they were things that were done to me and all that I did was take it. I reckon anyone can sit still and take crap.

I just really want to know that I am not living my life the way that I am living it because of fear. I want to know that I am good enough to be what I want to be.


P.S. Another one of the things that was really bothering me is I was looking at my relationships here at home and to a large extent at school, and I lie and lie and lie, and I know that I am lying, and I keep on doing it because it is more important to me to have friends than it is for me to be true.

I was arguing with myself last night and I said, “you know that all these lies will reduce the depth of your relationship with her.” And I answered, “what fucking relationship?” I’m not even sure that she would be my friend if I was more of who I wanted to be and less of who I thought that she wanted me to be.

I’m not really satisfied with how things are going, but I think that I would be even less satisfied if I was alone. I’m slowly losing my hope that it is even possible for me to have relationships where I don’t have to lie to people.

God, I’m depressed.

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