L

Well, here I am again, in trouble with relationships. I don’t seem to be able to avoid this kind of thing. =)

I only have an hours left before my shift ends so I cannot go into as much detail as I would like to on this. This e-mail is to get down into a more concrete form an experience that I had last night that I really did not understand and that I think is significant enough to warrant further examination.

L and I went with Wayne and S to LaFollette this weekend to hope fully do some climbing though that did not come to fruition. We got back at about 6 on Sunday and went straight to the Honors Picnic.

I left the picnic after just a short time because I had some homework to do and I was not really enjoying the large group of people anyway. L had an English paper to work on and she said that she would, once she left the picnic, go and work on a draft of the paper and then come by the house later that night.

For a bit of background that I think you don’t have, L has been sleeping with me for over a week now. We are not sexually active and I have a king size bed within which it is easily possible for three people to sleep comfortably without making physical contact; though L and I are usually in contact as we sleep.

There were people in my room all through the night from when I got in at about 7:00 until I finally went to sleep at around 12:00. One of the things that has been going on as of late is I have ben being frustrated by being around most of my friends. I have been spending lots of time with N and V especially and I oftentimes do not enjoy it. They spend lots of time playing games with each other and not trusting each other and hiding from each other and I would like to interact with them in a more honest manner; it is simply unfulfilling to sit around and fill the spaces with meaningless actions.

When I begin to get frustrated with what is going on around me I yearn for relationships where there is not so much deception. I want Wayne to be around some, though as of late his opinions are to tightly held and I think that he is misunderstanding me. His misunderstanding is plainly put though and I like that. Last night though I was particularly missing L; she was rather unspecific about when she would be coming in and when I started trying to get ahold of her around 10:30 I couldn’t find her.

I recognize that I was being needy and I contemplated that fact some, though I did not try to stop it especially. I have had such a hard time with being detached from everyone all of the time that feeling the need for a person, though it be an immature form of attachment, is more than having nothing at all.

Eventually the feelings lessened some and about 12:00 I decided that there was nothing else that I could do, so I decided to go to sleep.

It was about 12:20 or so when L came in and woke me up. I said hello to her and she did her sleep preparation activities and got into bed.

I have been trying not to let our relationship fall into a rut where I feel things, but for the sake of safety I do not talk about them. I recognize that this tends to happen in all of my relationships and I do not think that it is a necessary habit. So, when she got into bed I wanted to talk to her some about needing her and my fears about that.

For some more background, L has had some very traumatic relationships which were abusive both physically and emotionally. She has difficulty attaching to people and maintains fairly strict ego boundaries. There is a tension in how she does it and I think that her natural state would be alot lower if she were not dealing with such pain and fear of being hurt.

When I talked I talked about the fact that I sensed that she had boundaries that she did not want crossed right now and that I wanted to respect those. I wanted to know if I was being to clingy and if there was anything that I could do to make her more comfortable. Also, I told her that one of reactions to being afraid of being to clingy was to maintain a really big distance and, for example, at the picnic I left her alone to be with other people because I did not want to be a burden; and I wanted her to know that I liked her and was not trying to neglect her, simply to give her the space that she wanted.

It came down to a balance between being close and being isolated and I wanted to know if I was maintaining a proper balance.

Things got interesting at about this point. I started talking about detachment and my history of it, and there was a time when I was almost completely cut off from the world around me.

To illustrate I talked about an image that I used to have wherein I would see the people that I cared about most in front of me and I would completely detached look them in the eyes and shoot them in the face. I hadn’t, until I started talking, remember doing that and as I was talking I could feel what it used to be like to be that cut off from everything and it was a very cold place.

I was fairly deep into my own mind as I was talking and when I came out I realized that L was shaking. When I began talking we were holding hands and he broke that about half way through and by the end, though I was not touching her directly, I could feel her shaking though the bed.

I did not understand what was going on and I asked her if what I had said bothered her. She said that it had quite a bit; at one time she had a boyfriend who on a couple of occasions came to her house at night and sat outside of her window with a gun and fantasized about killing her and then killing himself.

I had been so engrossed in my own thoughts that I had not even though that my image of killing people could be taken as anything other than an image; a metaphor. I could feel her shaking really hard and I did not know what to do. I talked to her for another ten minutes or so and tried to explain where the image had come from and that I cared about her alot and that I would never intentionally hurt her.

She seemed to calm down some and I thought that things might be under control so I moved over and was going to put my hand on her back to try to comfort her and calm her down, but I barely brushed against her shirt and she yanked away violently and rolled off of the bed and into the floor.

I remained remarkably calm. I would have though that I would have been beating myself up about scaring her and hurting her, but I saw those things coming and chose not to listen to them there because I would be doing L no favors by destroying my clarity.

I apologized for scaring her and asked if there was anything that I could do to help. She lay on the floor for about ten minutes or so crying and shaking. I moved to the far other side of the bed and told her that she could get back in and I would stay on the other side. After a few minutes she did and we talked some more. I just tried to express to her how sincerely I mean that I would never hurt her.

And my shift is over and I have class. This is pretty much it. I will touch up later.

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