j: journal

Hey everybody. =)

I’m trying to think of something to journal about. I have this vague feeling that I ought to be writing, though by and large there are no pressing issues. At least not any more than usual. I think that I’ll do a status report and maybe touch on a couple relationship topics as time permits.

By and large and on the whole I am doing very well these days. One of the biggest sources of happiness that I have right now is my relationship with L. I am very comfortable with her and though I am still guarding myself to some extent I can see that there is a definite space for me to lose some more of my boundaries.

I a having some trouble with a general fear of security and happiness. At some point in time I lost my innocence and became a cynical person. As I am writing about how well things are going with L I am afraid that I am trusting too much and that I’m going to get hurt. The fear is not a problem, but I can feel myself closing off and guarding because of it and that bothers me.

I really do think that she likes me and I do not think that she is going to intentionally hurt me. Analytically I really have no reason to be scared, things are going great. What is still nagging me is a simple self-esteem issue; I do not have enough confidence that I am lovable.

I have written that sentence now probably 20-30 times and said it countless other times in conversation. I want to move past it. I had a class on this didn’t I? What was the trick? Ummm, I guess I forgot. I remember learning how to identify low self-esteem statements, but as for actually removing them I don’t remember the process.

Really I think that slowly and surely there are changes going on. I have much more confidence than I did when I first got here. I am actually disagreeing with people vocally now. There was a time when even the though of voicing an opinion that agreed with everyone else’s scared the daylights out of me.

And it is showing in aspects of my relationship, come to think of it. Last night L and I were kissing and stuff and for a while I was experiential instead of cognitive. I have a tendency to be analytical and detached when involved in intense emotional experiences, but last night I did it for a while without thinking about it. I did lose it and I couldn’t get it back, but the fact that I had it to lose was really cool. (Have you ever seen the Star-Trek where some girl kisses Data and asks him what he was thinking about and he goes through a list of stuff like physics problems and cat food recipes? It’s something like that, though not as extreme. I am not fully in the experience though and I have difficulty doing so. I reckon that its safer to watch from the sidelines.) =)

That is something that I would like to work on. I think that I have the guts to ask L to help me with it. Maybe. =) Actually I was going to send her this e-mail and ask her if she minded me writing things like this to you people, so I reckon that would breach the subject nicely. =) I don’t think that it would take anything complicated, just when I recognize that I am starting to fade out, stop for a second and get out of the experience and center and then go back in.

The fear that I have here, and from what I have seen this is the basis for most of the deception that goes on in the world, is that if I ask her to deal with the person that I actually am, rather than pretending that I am someone else, that she will not be attracted to me. I would say that on the whole I am as honest about who I am at this point in my life as I have ever been. Still, I don’t ask much of other people. I am very willing to do things for other people, but I am very reluctant to ask for things from them, especially if those things are just for my benefit. Usually I just end up saying, “you don’t need it that bad anyway, are you willing to put this other person out just so you can have what you want?”

I think that there is a balance to be had in all relationships between sacrifice and acceptance; between stability and flexibility. It is not fair if I am constantly putting my needs and desires ahead of the people that I am in relationships with, but at the same time I do not think that it is respectful to myself if I don’t stand up for things that matter to me.

Things would be so much easier if I didn’t like any of my friends. =) Then the possibility that they would leave wouldn’t scare me so damn bad and I could be more honest with them.

I reckon I’m doing ok though. I’m confused and uncertain, but 19 years of that has started to acclimate me. =)

Thanks for reading. -Will

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