I sent a message this morning entitled “L”. It talks about an experience that I had with L last night. That message is the precursor to this one and you should go back and read it before reading this as I am not going to make an attempt to re-provide the contexts provided in that message.
I am very confused though and I do not want to make a mistake. I really like L and I do not want to screw up the relationship that I have with her. Also, if I could help her be happier, I would like to.
When I got into a relationship with J I talked about helping her, that is not what I mean. There was a marked power structure with me and J; I thought that she was broken and I tried to drag her to where I was so that she could get out of her pain. She in turn fought me every step of the way.
That kind of helping is *not* *not* *not* what I mean at all.
- It sucked really hard. I didn’t like being around her and I don’t see how she particularly enjoyed being around me. I do not want to flush what I have with L down the toilet.
- I am not ready to undertake that kind of project anyway; there is a whole remove the beam from your eye before screwing with the mote in your brother’s thing going on.
- And even if I was, L does not need that kind of leading; I think that I have a little bit of a lead on her growth-wise, but that is a simple virtue of the fact that I have been here for two years already and I have, if nothing else, had time to learn the ropes. She is definitely ahead of where I was when I came in two years ago.
Note: this is slightly shaded because I think that I am going to send this to L along with the other message to give her my perspective on what happened last night. The shading is something that I can feel going on, but can’t see exactly where I am doing it. I do not think that I am doing it much, just a tad.
[To L: at the very least when I think that I am being dishonest I try to say that I am being dishonest even if I cannot tell exactly in what manner it is that I am lying. Oftentimes there are feelings associated with lying and I feel those even when I do not know analytically what it is that I am doing that is dishonest.]
To finish my earlier narrative, I talked to L a bit once she got back into the bad and then I went to sleep until the morning.
Before I went to sleep I talked a little bit about the things that the LT people do with going into lifeshocks and I told her that were she at a LT weekend the experience that she just had with enveloping herself in the past experience would have gotten kudos from the people in charge.
I talked to Wayne a little bit at lunch and it really helped to clarify what my fears were in all of this. Pretty much it is what is to be expected; I am afraid that she will leave. That’s about it. I have no problem with going into intense emotional turmoil, but I do not like to do so in general because I am afraid that I will hurt the other person because I do not know what I am doing.
I really do not want to hurt L.
Also, I have been reading T’s breakup journals and he is dealing with breaking up with S in a very similar way to how I handled breaking up with D. Reading his stuff pushes me towards old desperation dramas where I am not capable of handling the work required to carry on a healthy relationship. I was reading this morning and I could feel myself detaching and giving up.
I do not think that this is right. I really like L. I really care about L. I am happier and more comfortable being around her than I ever have been with anyone else. I think that I am a good person to be involved with and I think that our relationship is something that can work. I am not going to bail just because I got a little confused and uncertain. She is too special to be given up over such trivial things.
I just hope that she wants to stay with me.
Another one of my fears that I discovered today as I was talking to Wayne was that I am afraid that L will try to run from this pain and in the process will try to push me out of her life. From my experience if I am trying to do right in a deep relationship with her then she will feel called deeper into herself to respond to me, and as she does so she will run into these old demons.
When I had no deep relationships with people my experiences in high school with being called gay were “dealt with.” I could think about them with no problem and I could talk about them fine, but as I got involved in deeper relationships I found that my fears weren’t quite as “dealt with” as I thought. I think that if L and I are going to be involved in a serious fulfilling relationship then it will be uncomfortable for both of us at times.
Now I am a bit reluctant to send this to her because I do not want to push her boundaries about maintaining her independence. I don’t want to get too serious too fast and have her run off and I fear that those last couple of paragraphs are too serious.
This morning when we got up she seemed to be doing better though she was extremely drained and tired. I kept my distance from her because I did not know what she was comfortable with. We touched a little bit, but her touch felt like she wasn’t quite behind it. Perhaps she wasn’t and perhaps I was projecting; the events of the night before were dramatic enough that I think both are feasible.
I haven’t talked to her yet today since this morning. I hope that she is feeling ok. Really at this point I am most worried that she will go away. Her suffering worries me a little bit, but I think that she is strong enough to handle that. Alot of the things that she does remind me alot of myself; that’s neat.
Well, I’m late for class again. I think I’m about done. Comments would be greatly appreciated. I know that you are sick and if you don’t have time just let me know and I have a go at it on my own. I meant to schedule my crisis for after you got better, but I forgot about daylight savings time. =) Also, we never did do a conference and I think that one might be a good idea. I’ve done alot since the last time that we really talked.