Archive for August, 1998

L continued — please read as soon as convinient — *important*

I sent a message this morning entitled “L”. It talks about an experience that I had with L last night. That message is the precursor to this one and you should go back and read it before reading this as I am not going to make an attempt to re-provide the contexts provided in that message.

I am very confused though and I do not want to make a mistake. I really like L and I do not want to screw up the relationship that I have with her. Also, if I could help her be happier, I would like to.

When I got into a relationship with J I talked about helping her, that is not what I mean. There was a marked power structure with me and J; I thought that she was broken and I tried to drag her to where I was so that she could get out of her pain. She in turn fought me every step of the way.

That kind of helping is *not* *not* *not* what I mean at all.

  1. It sucked really hard. I didn’t like being around her and I don’t see how she particularly enjoyed being around me. I do not want to flush what I have with L down the toilet.
  2. I am not ready to undertake that kind of project anyway; there is a whole remove the beam from your eye before screwing with the mote in your brother’s thing going on.
  3. And even if I was, L does not need that kind of leading; I think that I have a little bit of a lead on her growth-wise, but that is a simple virtue of the fact that I have been here for two years already and I have, if nothing else, had time to learn the ropes. She is definitely ahead of where I was when I came in two years ago.

Note: this is slightly shaded because I think that I am going to send this to L along with the other message to give her my perspective on what happened last night. The shading is something that I can feel going on, but can’t see exactly where I am doing it. I do not think that I am doing it much, just a tad.

[To L: at the very least when I think that I am being dishonest I try to say that I am being dishonest even if I cannot tell exactly in what manner it is that I am lying. Oftentimes there are feelings associated with lying and I feel those even when I do not know analytically what it is that I am doing that is dishonest.]

To finish my earlier narrative, I talked to L a bit once she got back into the bad and then I went to sleep until the morning.

Before I went to sleep I talked a little bit about the things that the LT people do with going into lifeshocks and I told her that were she at a LT weekend the experience that she just had with enveloping herself in the past experience would have gotten kudos from the people in charge.

I talked to Wayne a little bit at lunch and it really helped to clarify what my fears were in all of this. Pretty much it is what is to be expected; I am afraid that she will leave. That’s about it. I have no problem with going into intense emotional turmoil, but I do not like to do so in general because I am afraid that I will hurt the other person because I do not know what I am doing.

I really do not want to hurt L.

Also, I have been reading T’s breakup journals and he is dealing with breaking up with S in a very similar way to how I handled breaking up with D. Reading his stuff pushes me towards old desperation dramas where I am not capable of handling the work required to carry on a healthy relationship. I was reading this morning and I could feel myself detaching and giving up.

I do not think that this is right. I really like L. I really care about L. I am happier and more comfortable being around her than I ever have been with anyone else. I think that I am a good person to be involved with and I think that our relationship is something that can work. I am not going to bail just because I got a little confused and uncertain. She is too special to be given up over such trivial things.

I just hope that she wants to stay with me.

Another one of my fears that I discovered today as I was talking to Wayne was that I am afraid that L will try to run from this pain and in the process will try to push me out of her life. From my experience if I am trying to do right in a deep relationship with her then she will feel called deeper into herself to respond to me, and as she does so she will run into these old demons.

When I had no deep relationships with people my experiences in high school with being called gay were “dealt with.” I could think about them with no problem and I could talk about them fine, but as I got involved in deeper relationships I found that my fears weren’t quite as “dealt with” as I thought. I think that if L and I are going to be involved in a serious fulfilling relationship then it will be uncomfortable for both of us at times.

Now I am a bit reluctant to send this to her because I do not want to push her boundaries about maintaining her independence. I don’t want to get too serious too fast and have her run off and I fear that those last couple of paragraphs are too serious.

This morning when we got up she seemed to be doing better though she was extremely drained and tired. I kept my distance from her because I did not know what she was comfortable with. We touched a little bit, but her touch felt like she wasn’t quite behind it. Perhaps she wasn’t and perhaps I was projecting; the events of the night before were dramatic enough that I think both are feasible.

I haven’t talked to her yet today since this morning. I hope that she is feeling ok. Really at this point I am most worried that she will go away. Her suffering worries me a little bit, but I think that she is strong enough to handle that. Alot of the things that she does remind me alot of myself; that’s neat.

Well, I’m late for class again. I think I’m about done. Comments would be greatly appreciated. I know that you are sick and if you don’t have time just let me know and I have a go at it on my own. I meant to schedule my crisis for after you got better, but I forgot about daylight savings time. =) Also, we never did do a conference and I think that one might be a good idea. I’ve done alot since the last time that we really talked.

-Will

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L

Well, here I am again, in trouble with relationships. I don’t seem to be able to avoid this kind of thing. =)

I only have an hours left before my shift ends so I cannot go into as much detail as I would like to on this. This e-mail is to get down into a more concrete form an experience that I had last night that I really did not understand and that I think is significant enough to warrant further examination.

L and I went with Wayne and S to LaFollette this weekend to hope fully do some climbing though that did not come to fruition. We got back at about 6 on Sunday and went straight to the Honors Picnic.

I left the picnic after just a short time because I had some homework to do and I was not really enjoying the large group of people anyway. L had an English paper to work on and she said that she would, once she left the picnic, go and work on a draft of the paper and then come by the house later that night.

For a bit of background that I think you don’t have, L has been sleeping with me for over a week now. We are not sexually active and I have a king size bed within which it is easily possible for three people to sleep comfortably without making physical contact; though L and I are usually in contact as we sleep.

There were people in my room all through the night from when I got in at about 7:00 until I finally went to sleep at around 12:00. One of the things that has been going on as of late is I have ben being frustrated by being around most of my friends. I have been spending lots of time with N and V especially and I oftentimes do not enjoy it. They spend lots of time playing games with each other and not trusting each other and hiding from each other and I would like to interact with them in a more honest manner; it is simply unfulfilling to sit around and fill the spaces with meaningless actions.

When I begin to get frustrated with what is going on around me I yearn for relationships where there is not so much deception. I want Wayne to be around some, though as of late his opinions are to tightly held and I think that he is misunderstanding me. His misunderstanding is plainly put though and I like that. Last night though I was particularly missing L; she was rather unspecific about when she would be coming in and when I started trying to get ahold of her around 10:30 I couldn’t find her.

I recognize that I was being needy and I contemplated that fact some, though I did not try to stop it especially. I have had such a hard time with being detached from everyone all of the time that feeling the need for a person, though it be an immature form of attachment, is more than having nothing at all.

Eventually the feelings lessened some and about 12:00 I decided that there was nothing else that I could do, so I decided to go to sleep.

It was about 12:20 or so when L came in and woke me up. I said hello to her and she did her sleep preparation activities and got into bed.

I have been trying not to let our relationship fall into a rut where I feel things, but for the sake of safety I do not talk about them. I recognize that this tends to happen in all of my relationships and I do not think that it is a necessary habit. So, when she got into bed I wanted to talk to her some about needing her and my fears about that.

For some more background, L has had some very traumatic relationships which were abusive both physically and emotionally. She has difficulty attaching to people and maintains fairly strict ego boundaries. There is a tension in how she does it and I think that her natural state would be alot lower if she were not dealing with such pain and fear of being hurt.

When I talked I talked about the fact that I sensed that she had boundaries that she did not want crossed right now and that I wanted to respect those. I wanted to know if I was being to clingy and if there was anything that I could do to make her more comfortable. Also, I told her that one of reactions to being afraid of being to clingy was to maintain a really big distance and, for example, at the picnic I left her alone to be with other people because I did not want to be a burden; and I wanted her to know that I liked her and was not trying to neglect her, simply to give her the space that she wanted.

It came down to a balance between being close and being isolated and I wanted to know if I was maintaining a proper balance.

Things got interesting at about this point. I started talking about detachment and my history of it, and there was a time when I was almost completely cut off from the world around me.

To illustrate I talked about an image that I used to have wherein I would see the people that I cared about most in front of me and I would completely detached look them in the eyes and shoot them in the face. I hadn’t, until I started talking, remember doing that and as I was talking I could feel what it used to be like to be that cut off from everything and it was a very cold place.

I was fairly deep into my own mind as I was talking and when I came out I realized that L was shaking. When I began talking we were holding hands and he broke that about half way through and by the end, though I was not touching her directly, I could feel her shaking though the bed.

I did not understand what was going on and I asked her if what I had said bothered her. She said that it had quite a bit; at one time she had a boyfriend who on a couple of occasions came to her house at night and sat outside of her window with a gun and fantasized about killing her and then killing himself.

I had been so engrossed in my own thoughts that I had not even though that my image of killing people could be taken as anything other than an image; a metaphor. I could feel her shaking really hard and I did not know what to do. I talked to her for another ten minutes or so and tried to explain where the image had come from and that I cared about her alot and that I would never intentionally hurt her.

She seemed to calm down some and I thought that things might be under control so I moved over and was going to put my hand on her back to try to comfort her and calm her down, but I barely brushed against her shirt and she yanked away violently and rolled off of the bed and into the floor.

I remained remarkably calm. I would have though that I would have been beating myself up about scaring her and hurting her, but I saw those things coming and chose not to listen to them there because I would be doing L no favors by destroying my clarity.

I apologized for scaring her and asked if there was anything that I could do to help. She lay on the floor for about ten minutes or so crying and shaking. I moved to the far other side of the bed and told her that she could get back in and I would stay on the other side. After a few minutes she did and we talked some more. I just tried to express to her how sincerely I mean that I would never hurt her.

And my shift is over and I have class. This is pretty much it. I will touch up later.

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j: journal

Hey everybody. =)

I’m trying to think of something to journal about. I have this vague feeling that I ought to be writing, though by and large there are no pressing issues. At least not any more than usual. I think that I’ll do a status report and maybe touch on a couple relationship topics as time permits.

By and large and on the whole I am doing very well these days. One of the biggest sources of happiness that I have right now is my relationship with L. I am very comfortable with her and though I am still guarding myself to some extent I can see that there is a definite space for me to lose some more of my boundaries.

I a having some trouble with a general fear of security and happiness. At some point in time I lost my innocence and became a cynical person. As I am writing about how well things are going with L I am afraid that I am trusting too much and that I’m going to get hurt. The fear is not a problem, but I can feel myself closing off and guarding because of it and that bothers me.

I really do think that she likes me and I do not think that she is going to intentionally hurt me. Analytically I really have no reason to be scared, things are going great. What is still nagging me is a simple self-esteem issue; I do not have enough confidence that I am lovable.

I have written that sentence now probably 20-30 times and said it countless other times in conversation. I want to move past it. I had a class on this didn’t I? What was the trick? Ummm, I guess I forgot. I remember learning how to identify low self-esteem statements, but as for actually removing them I don’t remember the process.

Really I think that slowly and surely there are changes going on. I have much more confidence than I did when I first got here. I am actually disagreeing with people vocally now. There was a time when even the though of voicing an opinion that agreed with everyone else’s scared the daylights out of me.

And it is showing in aspects of my relationship, come to think of it. Last night L and I were kissing and stuff and for a while I was experiential instead of cognitive. I have a tendency to be analytical and detached when involved in intense emotional experiences, but last night I did it for a while without thinking about it. I did lose it and I couldn’t get it back, but the fact that I had it to lose was really cool. (Have you ever seen the Star-Trek where some girl kisses Data and asks him what he was thinking about and he goes through a list of stuff like physics problems and cat food recipes? It’s something like that, though not as extreme. I am not fully in the experience though and I have difficulty doing so. I reckon that its safer to watch from the sidelines.) =)

That is something that I would like to work on. I think that I have the guts to ask L to help me with it. Maybe. =) Actually I was going to send her this e-mail and ask her if she minded me writing things like this to you people, so I reckon that would breach the subject nicely. =) I don’t think that it would take anything complicated, just when I recognize that I am starting to fade out, stop for a second and get out of the experience and center and then go back in.

The fear that I have here, and from what I have seen this is the basis for most of the deception that goes on in the world, is that if I ask her to deal with the person that I actually am, rather than pretending that I am someone else, that she will not be attracted to me. I would say that on the whole I am as honest about who I am at this point in my life as I have ever been. Still, I don’t ask much of other people. I am very willing to do things for other people, but I am very reluctant to ask for things from them, especially if those things are just for my benefit. Usually I just end up saying, “you don’t need it that bad anyway, are you willing to put this other person out just so you can have what you want?”

I think that there is a balance to be had in all relationships between sacrifice and acceptance; between stability and flexibility. It is not fair if I am constantly putting my needs and desires ahead of the people that I am in relationships with, but at the same time I do not think that it is respectful to myself if I don’t stand up for things that matter to me.

Things would be so much easier if I didn’t like any of my friends. =) Then the possibility that they would leave wouldn’t scare me so damn bad and I could be more honest with them.

I reckon I’m doing ok though. I’m confused and uncertain, but 19 years of that has started to acclimate me. =)

Thanks for reading. -Will

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Yippie!

It took me over an hour and alot of talking and getting really nervous, but about 2:30 this morning I kissed L and we made a tentative agreement to start some kind of a relationship thingie.

The word relationship in the connotation of romantic relationship has very little meaning at this point in time. I have only done this twice and both times were completely different and neither one of them was really satisfying. I’m just going to do it day by day and see how things turn out.

Major fears at this point: well duh. That I am going to fast. That I should give L more time to get acclimated to college before I go into anything like this for her. That I am going so fast because I am afraid that if I wait then she’ll go out with someone else. That is there; her involvement with Matt pushed me some and I would have taken things slower if he had not been there as competition.

I don’t know that I would have gone alot slower though. I have been e-mailing with L for about the last half of the summer and I like her. What I think happened with J and what I am very afraid of happening again is me getting involved with someone because I am wanting to be in a relationship and not because I am really attracted to that person. I don’t think that is going on here; L is really cool and I like being with her.

At this point I do not think that I am doing anything wrong. Really the only warning sign is the one of going too fast and the main danger in that is that I would try to keep her isolated and needy in order to keep her around, but given the fact that I never see her except for at night and that she is developing several good friends outside of my peer group most of those fears are unrealistic I think.

I think that a relationship founded on choice rather than need is more satisfying in the long run, I am just scared to let go of the need based stuff because I am not sure if I will have a relationship if I let it go.

Whadda y’all think? -Will

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sleeping

This is a little something that I was going over in one of my classes. I was at first reluctant to write it up. As of late I have not been wanting to write very much. I am frustrated with what seems to be alot of time spent with no real purpose or reward. It seems like so much of what there is for me to devote my time to doesn’t really seem to do much to satisfy me.

That is, if I am going to write, what I really ought to write about.

Hang on, I have an even better one. L. You remember L? She is my little sib. So far we’ve had a religion talk and a relationships talk and she slept in my bed last night. =) That’s not saying much though, I’ve been here for over a week and so far I have only slept in my bed alone one time. Wayne, S, V, N, L and I have all spent the night there (not all at once mind you.)

I do not want to make a pretense of the fact that I am breaking the sib rules. L is a friend of mine from home who I knew to a small extent in high school. By and large I don’t know her at all from that time, but a really good friend of mine back home who I spent most of my social time with over the summer is a very good friend of hers.

Ok, I am here and now officially giving up on trying to please you in this e-mail. I can see that desire shading how I am saying things, and I don’t think that it is worth wasting mine or your time piddling around trying to say everything in nice ways so as to preserve the peace.

Ok, I feel better now. Not better in the sense of happier, there is a weight in my chest and a knot in my throat, but I don’t feel like I am lying as much.

I am afraid of alot of things right now. I have talked to Wayne some, but he is on a mature relationship kick with S and the kind of distance and control that is part of what he is describing is not what I am looking for right now.

I’ll put down the long and the short of it. I like L. I am interested in dating L, but the uncertainties involved tend to overwhelm me and I do not know which way is up.

For one, I really did not like the relationship that I had with J. I did not feel safe with her and I did not trust her, and I do not want to be involved in that kind of relationship again. I think that I am trying to build L up into something that she is not so that I will want to go out with her. At the same time I think that I am tearing down things about her because I do not want to get attached and needy and scare her away.

The logical part of my mind knows lots of reasons that this won;t work out. She hasn’t had any training what-so-ever and how could she possibly have the desires for a real relationship. I do not know very much about who she really is and I am afraid to dig in. I really do like her and I do not want to drive her away.

As it is some kind of committment that I would really like to have. I talk about these things with Wayne and it is strange because he goes into “all you want is security and safety” as though that were some great mystery. I can see a rift forming between how he looks at things and how I look at things. I am seeking satisfaction and I will take whatever road I think that it is that will lead me there. If living a life of cowardice and deception would bring me satisfaction then that is how I would live my life. I have given up on my hopes of an eternal greater good. What is good is what is good for me.

And I can already see you missing what I am saying. I did not say it well, to say that I don’t believe in an eternal greater good could be easily mistaken for me saying that I think that I am the standard for value. I don’t believe that. I have tried, but it did not bring me satisfaction to think like that. Writing where people are talking about God as the source of reality and of value is making more sense to me. I think that the road to satisfaction is set by something other than myself, but I think that in order to follow it I can’t know ahead of time what the path will look like or I will follow what I believe is there rather than what is there.

It is thinking too much that is my problem. I am so scared of having another relationship like what I had with J and I really don’t want to do that. I am so worried that I will scare L away by being to clingy or by making her uncomfortable. It bothers me so to think that I don’t really care about L the person at all and all that really matters to me is being in a relationship because I need it in order to prove to myself that I am not a loser. Everything that I am afraid of is because I am thinking in the past or in the future and it is destroying the present.

I keep wondering what you will think as you read this. I am stealing left and right from all kinds of different writings. I have hit on Eliot three times in the last two paragraphs. Do you see these things when you read? I was wondering how I would like you to respond. If you had an answer that would clear my thinking that would be nice, but I haven’t really gotten anything mind blowing yet, so that’s probably unrealistic.

I feel like I’m sharpening my claws on you. Not really attacking, but scraping and occasionally trying to stick you. That’s not very nice of me. I would think that it wouldn’t bother you, but I don’t know how much of that is A the super-mentor picture and how much of that is A the living breathing person.

I wouldn’t be bothered as much if she weren’t so naturally flirtatious. The sleeping together thing would be alot for most people and a sure sign of an interest and a bit of a committment, but she has a relaxed attitude about physicality that makes me uncertain. Her flirtation is really good though. I see it, but only out of the corner of my eye. She treats guys (I haven’t seen her interact with females as much) with a casual interest that makes them feel good.

I am thinking of this because I just got through sending to V and he was going to Wal-mart with me and he knew that someone else was going, but he didn’t know who. I didn’t think anything of it, but in the course of the conversation I mentioned that L wasn’t going and there was a definite crestfallen turn in his writing.

That is the basis for alot of my fears. I have been around her with lots of guys and she attracts lots of guys. I do not want to be just another face in the crowd. I still have very strong doubts about my attractiveness and my capacity to be a good partner in a relationship. I can logically list a bunch of relationship traits that I do very well and a whole slew of reasons why I would make a good partner, but I do not believe them deep deep down. I have them down to maybe -2 or so.

-Will

P.S. I can smell her hair as I am writing. Neat. =)

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letter to wayne on depression

From:	TTU::WJH3957   "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)"  5-AUG-1998 07:52
To:	WAYNE
Subj:	depression

This sucks, I’m starting to get depressed. Not just depressed, I’m starting to tear into myself and tear myself down. I can see it happening and I don’t know how to stop it.

I went out again with L last night and I think that is what is doing it. I keep talking to her about guys and from what she is saying she doesn’t seem to have all that stringent of qualifications, and yet I don’t seem to make the cut. I really do not know why not.

It makes me wonder if there is something that she sees in me that I don’t.

There’s one of those self-fulfilling cycles going on. I keep telling myself that I’m a loser because I’m not confident enough and then I keep second guessing myself because I think that I am a loser. I hate this shit. I wish that I could just say that it is all false and then throw it out of the window, but I don’t really believe that.

We went in the video store last night and there were two guys there who knew her and they both said hi. I never run into people who know me. I went home and I was thinking about high school; I don’t really have any friends from high school except for a very few that I have worked to stay in touch with. L has people calling her up on the telephone asking her to do stuff. I always have to call people to get them to do anything.

I’m starting to lose my hope that I can be the kind of person that I want to be. I thought that I was strong enough to be confident and to be someone that people really liked, but I just don’t know.

I’ve been thinking about mentor and the peer group that I have at school. I’ve been thinking about getting out of it for a while. I really want to know if I can be good enough to live the popular life. It is something that has always bothered me and it hasn’t gone away much with any of the work that I have been doing.

The people that we hang out with at school are not the really popular people and they never were. They are the more serious intellectual types, not the serious socialites. I want to be a normal teenager. I hear adults talking about teenagers I am not one of the teenagers I am one of the adults. I never was young and irresponsible.

As it stands I have never tried that way of life. High school was really the only time that I tried it and in high school I didn’t ever manage to make any friends and get into it, so in a sense as it stands it has rejected me. I want to know if I am good enough. I want the chance to go and be popular and a socialite and then look from within that and decide if that is how I want to live my life or not.

Really this is just a continuation of the same pursuit that I have had all along. I want not to be afraid of people. I want to be able to meet anyone and not fear that they are somehow better than I am and that I have to change who I am in order to be acceptable. As it is now when I meet popular people I lie to them because I am afraid that the way that I am is not as good as how they are. And how can I really say that right now. I didn’t chose the way that I am over the way that they are. I had the choice made for me. And they had the choice; how hard is it for a person to walk the road that I have walked?

Hmmm, actually I wonder the answer to that question. How hard has my life been? Could just anyone do it?

I really don’t think that it has been all that hard. Parts of it have really been unpleasant, but those were not things that I undertook, they were things that were done to me and all that I did was take it. I reckon anyone can sit still and take crap.

I just really want to know that I am not living my life the way that I am living it because of fear. I want to know that I am good enough to be what I want to be.

-Will

P.S. Another one of the things that was really bothering me is I was looking at my relationships here at home and to a large extent at school, and I lie and lie and lie, and I know that I am lying, and I keep on doing it because it is more important to me to have friends than it is for me to be true.

I was arguing with myself last night and I said, “you know that all these lies will reduce the depth of your relationship with her.” And I answered, “what fucking relationship?” I’m not even sure that she would be my friend if I was more of who I wanted to be and less of who I thought that she wanted me to be.

I’m not really satisfied with how things are going, but I think that I would be even less satisfied if I was alone. I’m slowly losing my hope that it is even possible for me to have relationships where I don’t have to lie to people.

God, I’m depressed.

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to L on stuff

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)"  4-AUG-1998 12:38:13.67
To:	AOL
Subj:	matthew

I’m gonna try to go into what I think about my brother right now. This is no small task for me as our relationship has been a strange and varied one as the years have gone by. Our relation to one another is such a complex and dynamic organism that I have difficulty even contemplating it, let alone trying to capture it in writing.

I would really like to give you whatever insight that I can though. I don’t know if anything that I see is right or if it will help, but I’m going to try to give you as honest an impression as I can. Really that’s all that I know to do.

Read the rest of this entry »

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letter to L

I liked the way that this one turned out. I’ve gone through this spiel about 7 different times now and I like this attempt about as much as any of them. I think that there is a sort of refining process going on with this thing. =)

-Will

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 31-JUL-1998
To:	AOL
Subj:	re: x3 (nobility, brotherhood, and ... damn!) =)

My brief stint of e-mail chastity has put me a bit behind. So, I’ve got three different replies and I’m gonna try to work them into one because they kinda fit together. Well, maybe just two and I’ll put the other one separate because it doesn’t fit as well.

You wrote me a while back about a friend of yours who was working in India doing missionary work. You were comparing the life that you live to the one that she lives and you were saying that you felt that you were selfish compared to her.

This general idea is one that I have thought about (surprise, surprise) =) I want for my life to mean something, for it to matter, and when I was thinking I was trying to figure out how I could live my life so that it was important. One of the things that I decided was important to me was a sense of “nobility.” That doesn’t mean like snobbishness or being better than other people, but rather recognizing that there are things that are worth being uncomfortable for; things that are important enough for me that I will let my smaller desires suffer in order to forward these values.

When I got off of e-mail a couple of days ago that was about nobility. I recognized that my desire to be on the computer was conflicting with my job and I decided that my relationships with my co-workers and the quality of my job and my clarity of thinking were more important to me than writing on the computer. So, for a couple of days I went without the computer so as to gain a handle on my problem. I did not enjoy being off of the computer at all. The last message that I sent was the really weird one that you got where I asked if I was just to strange to put up with; I really really wanted to know how you responded to that. But I had made my resolve and I recognized that the only thing that was suffering by me not reading was my desire to know, and as I said, I had decided that particular desire was not going to dictate how I acted, so I waited.

There is a passage in the Bible where Jesus says that if your eyes lead you to sin then gouge them out and if your hands come between you and God’s will then cut them off. I like that passage. Its really rough, but I like the general idea of choosing something as being important and being willing to sacrifice the little things in order to stay true to what you have decided is important. That’s what I’m talking about when I say nobility.

I don’t know exactly why that is the word that I chose, I think that it has something to do with my idea of honor or something.

Anyhow, I see the possibility for nobility in what you said that Kristi is doing. But again, this is a case where it matters more to me why she is doing rather than what she is doing. I have met very ignoble people doing very altruistic work for very superficial reasons. I like the fact that they are helping others, but for their sake I think that it would be better that they were off working at McDonald’s in a noble manner than if they very feeding the hungry for selfish reasons.

This is what CJ and I argue about when we talk revolutions. He is interested in changing the things that people do. I think that he is wasting his time; I am interested in changing who people are. I don’t think that until people change that the world will change for the better.

And that sounds bad because it sounds like I’m being unaccepting, but really I don’t think that is right. I feel that being unselfish is a more satisfying way of living than being selfish, and I don’t think that is just true for me. I think that it is a universal truth and when I talk about changing who people are, all that I am talking about is showing them that simple fact.

Its like another section of the Bible where Paul is talking about love and he says that it doesn’t matter about the great things that you do, if you don’t have love in your heart then your actions have no meaning. And at the same time if you have love in your heart it doesn’t matter what you do, your actions will be great.

Anyhow, in regards to comparing your life and Kristi’s I think that you hold up pretty good, because it really doesn’t matter so much where you are as who you are. And you have been a good friend to me this summer and I’m sure that you have been a good friend to the people that you work with and that you have been a positive influence all over the place. I would be hesitant to put a measure on the good that you have done and say that it is less than or more than what other people have been doing. It is different, that I’ll agree with.

Of course there is a little catch-22 in all this. There are certain things that nobility prevents you from doing and certain things that it attracts you towards. You aren’t likely to find a noble person at the head of a KKK rally beating an innocent black man with a baseball bat. So whole I say that it doesn’t matter what you do as much as who you are; what you do happens because of who you are, so it’s really more of a interacting system than two distinct entities of who you are and what you do.

Am I making sense? I seem to be to me, but that doesn’t always mean much. =)

Well, I’m off work now. I’ll get into the other things later.

(()) -Will

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