Archive for July, 1998

j: miscelany

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			3
	   We ask:
		Is there a God?

	   Does the fish ask:
		Is there a water?

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I have heard this idea about 3 different places in the last month. People keep discovering it over and over, seems like a waste of time.

It would be nice if we could all learn the same lessons at the same time, but I don’t think that’s realistic.

I cut this touchstone out a while back to write a journal on how we are all seeing the same stuff over and over at different times and try to come up with a different way of doing things that would work better, but I don’t think that I can. We hear what we need to hear and see what we need to see, and things happen as they are ready to happen.

A related a story of a life training weekend where M wanted to go and work on something in his head and the leader stopped him and told him that things were as they should be, and she asked the question “When does ‘letting things be as they are’ switch over to an excuse for not doing the work?” or that was how I interpreted what she said, and it is a question that I have asked.

The answer is that letting things be as they are doesn’t switch over to making excuses. “The work” of “head work” is a myth, things are as they need to be, I want to change some things, but the method is not work.

I am seeking my own satisfaction, that is all. If I am not satisfied by what I am doing then I will not do it. I am beholding to no-one. I have been for the longest time been worshiping various gods because it was what I knew was right and I have given up on them.

Fuck all of you.

I really want to be able to say that. Back when I had no friends I made the choice that it was worth who I was, selling out on how I really felt and wanted to act, in exchange for just having someone to talk to.

[There’s a break of about 5 days because my dad came in and started getting on my nerves and I went off on him. It was pretty neat, I haven’t gotten really pissed at someone and shown it in a while.]

That’s really what the fuck you all is about. I recognize that I change how I act and even how I think because I want for people to like me so much. I don’t get angry at people because I don’t want them to leave. I don’t like this fear.

I got a letter from L a couple of days ago. It was a response to one I sent to her a couple of days before. L, for those of you who don’t know, stands still as my first and only infatuation. I think that maybe I didn’t have any more because things went so poorly with her.

Apparently she, like many of the rest of us, is bored being at home and separated from all of her college friends. She asked me to call her and we could go do something. As I was reading I could see my thinking start going to how I could change how I act so that she would like me more.

The problem is that I am so afraid of messing things up that I don’t take the chances and gambles that are necessary to really succeed.

When I was in Cookeville for the freshman registration I was watching how different people were acting and I was paying especial attention to Wayne. During several interactions he served as the primary impetus for action; I was telling him that I could see how to do it and that I wanted to, but he was arguing that perhaps people had different natures and it was necessary for them to fill different roles. Aka. perhaps my desire to be an aggregate leader was simply neurotic and that I was attempting to force myself into being something that I was not meant to be.

I don’t think so. I can see the potential within myself to act in that way and it is not something that is contrived or forced. It feels more natural that the way that I act right now; being afraid most of the time.

What’s ironic is that most of the reason that I want to stop being controlled of my fear of what other people think is so that I can act in a way that other people like. I think that if I didn’t want to be like I wouldn’t want to change how I am.

That is why I like being at home and alone. Here I don’t have expectations, real or perceived. Or at least it is just my family and I see myself as being respected enough by them that it doesn’t bother me as much when they think that I am being stupid, and also they don’t think that I am all that often.

What helps with them is that I don’t doubt that the needs that they fill for me will be filled by them, so there is no need to be afraid and thus no need to deceive. With L on the other hand I have already been rejected twice and I have serious doubts about my worthiness in her eyes. I still have a very strong desire to be in a relationship and I still like her, so there are needs that she can fill that I doubt that she will, so I try to act so as to increase my chances of getting my needs filled; aka. lie alot.

I have been wondering if I even want to talk to her at all because of how hard it is for me to maintain my integrity when I think of her.

A bit of history, this last semester I went out with J Vincent, and for the most part the experience could be likened to beating my head against the wall. I have, after much thinking, come to the conclusion that we should never have been in a relationship at all. We were not very compatible people and the reason that we got together in the first place was largely because I was getting over my break-up with D and I had a bunch of new ideas about how I could do relationships better and I wanted to try them out. I missed one very important aspect of going out; you ought to be attracted to the other person.

I’m not trying to defame J’s personality; it is something that works for her and that she likes, I don’t have any problem with her keeping it or being that way. Just with her being the way that she is and me being the way that I am we oughtn’t have been going out.

That’s really the crux at the moment, there are not any girls who I am really attracted to. I have some interests, but I would really like to have a girl with whom I have a caliber of friendship akin to mine and Wayne’s, but I really don’t know anyone who seems to be able to do that. One of the most important aspects of mine and Wayne’s friendship is the similarity in how we think and I don’t know any girls who think with that type of clarity or for that matter who want to, the wanting to would be enough honestly I think.

Hmm, my crock of shit sensors are going off. One of my getting people to like me tricks is to form sound solid opinions and act like I have everything figured out for, as you know, no-one likes a wishy-washy whiney person.

Really at this moment I don’t know what I need in a girl for there to be a good relationship. I think that I might be able to have one, maybe not. I still have as my single criteria for a good relationship that it be one where I do not feel the need to lie to the other person and where I feel compelled to express myself uncensored.

I have been getting better at having opinions and expressing them. Just last night CJ was trying to figure out how to do the plans for tonight, there is a kegger in Greeneville that his brother is doing, but I wanted to opt out of that for a quieter more private get together at Erin’s house. He wanted to go to Greeneville and I knew this, but I still told him that I thought that it would be a better idea to go to Erin’s. In the past I would not have blatantly rocked the boat like that, but I am starting to put more stock in my opinions and expressing them.

I am hoping that this transition might carry over into “calling” people on things. I see lots of things that I think are going on with other people, but I rarely say anything unless I am asked because I doubt my capacity to judge other people and I am afraid that if I make them uncomfortable then they won’t be my friends. Wayne though has noticed that he does lots of calling but is rarely called. On a couple of occasions he has wished to be called more often, maybe he’ll get his wish.

As I said it would be neat if I feel confident enough to do this; I am not going to make myself do it for a couple of reasons. Number one is that I have decided that I don’t have to be anything and there is nothing that is worth me artificially forcing myself into. If I need to be able to do something then I will do it, if not then not.

Anyhow, that’s me. I’m off.

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bq: Albert Camus

I’ve been going back through some books that I read in high school and I picked up The Plague by Albert Camus a couple of days ago. The basic story is a small town in France where plague breaks out and it looks at how people act as the humdrum of everyday life is destroyed. How would you act if there was a very good chance that tomorrow you would die a very painful death?

This section comes just after the fact that plague is in the town has been discovered by the doctor. He is talking about how the people in the town deal with what has been going on.

“In this respect our townsfolk were like everybody else, wrapped up in themselves; in other words they were humanists: they disbelieved in pestilences. A pestilence isn’t a thing made to man’s measure; therefore, we tell ourselves that pestilence is a mere bogy of the mind, a bad dream that will pass away. But it doesn’t always pass away and, from one bad dream to another, it is men who pass away, and the humanists first of all, because they haven’t taken the proper precautions. Our townsfolk were not more to blame than others; they forgot to be modest, that was all, and thought everything still was possible for them; which presupposed that pestilences were impossible. They went on doing business, arranged for journeys, and formed views. How should they have given a thought to anything like plague, which rules out any future, cancels journeys, silences the exchange of views. They fancied themselves free, and no-one will ever be free so long as there are pestilences.”

e-x-i-s-t-e-n-t-i-a-l =) -Will

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