jealousy

I just got through reading a set of messages from Wayne about his relationship and I can sense a subtle but definite shift in my thinking about him. I feel more detached and guarded.

Over the course of the summer we have discussed our relationship several times and my relationship with Wayne has been a point of focus when thinking about relationships in general which I have done alot of. The nature of what I thought about it and thus what it is has shifted somewhat over the course of the summer. When school let out Wayne and I were friends, but as time went on and I discovered how incompatible I could be with other people my relationship with Wayne became “the relationship,” the one that at this point works better than any of the rest of them and as such I look to it as a point of reference. It gained almost a mythic quality as all my thinking about relationships and all of my references to it reduced it to a stereotypical form. It lost its complexity and simply because “the relationship;” it was one wherein no wrongs occurred and no harm was done.

I read what he wrote about S and I could feel pangs of jealousy and then detachment from those feelings. When he was going out with Emily I did not experience any of these sensations because Emily fit into a certain part of his life that was mushy and gushy and that kept him bubbly. That was not my place and I had no special desire to go there. S on the other hand is a contender for what I consider to be my space. I fear that she will do the things for him that I do and that he will no longer want me for a friend. I am competitive with her, in my mind at least. I tell myself that I can do the things that she can do and I can do them better.

I don’t know though. I’ve never had a best friend before. I was never willing to commit that kind of trust to a person for fear that they would leave me. I finally started the committment and now I fear losing it. I’m about 8 years old right now. Ick.

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