Archive for June, 1998

bq: Frank Herbert

I got a message from M today, he’s doing pretty well.

Anyhow, the sig file on his message was the passage by Frank Herbert on fear from Dune which is a neat little passage that I like.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

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re: J

As for how things are going with me and J, I give her 75% odds that she will move to California, and I am fine with that. I am developing a clearer picture of what I am looking for in a relationship and I wasn’t getting anywhere near it with her. I won’t say that the potential isn’t there, but I don’t think that this was something that was meant to be. I’d like to just move on.

We are officially still going out since we never broke up, but I haven’t gotten anything from her in over two weeks and I haven’t sent her anything and I think the relationship is pretty much dead.

G’night. (()) -Will

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n: reply to V on sending

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 11-JUN-1998 00:11
To:	V
Subj:	re: sending

Hey V, I want to give you an explanation of why I am not sending. I have been silent since I got home from school, partially because I have been doing other things but mainly because my difficulty in dealing with people has gone up alot over the last few weeks.

It started before I left school and has gone on since. It is not that I get frustrated, angry, or annoyed at people, it is that being around them and interacting with them makes me extremely uncomfortable. I feel false when I am interacting and I don’t like it. I recognize that I am pushed a whole lot by what I think that people expect of me and what I think will make them happy. When I am talking I can tell that I am lying, but I can’t tell what the truth is or how to stop.

I have been developing a more centered confidence and I am doing pretty good with my relationship with my family and the one or two other people that I occasionally interact with. I was content for the longest time to just be a hermit and not interact at all, and I think that time was important for me to have some silence and get things together. I’m starting to get urges to move out some and I am becoming more social, but I still feel the fears of being rejected pulling at me alot and I am in no hurry. The fact that I don’t have to hurry is important to me; it doesn’t matter that other people might get upset at how I am acting, or rather it does matter, but it doesn’t dictate that I have to change, I have a choice.

I am doing better at standing up to people who don’t like what I am doing; my dad has given me lots of opportunities. =)

Anyhow, that’s why I am not sending right now. I am staying up on e-mail pretty good and I am answering pretty much all of it. I just want you to know that it is not anything personal; I’m ignoring all pleas for sending. =)

So, what are you up to as of late? Are you re-employed? I still don’t know anything on the hospital. I’m really hoping that it will work out, but if it doesn’t, then I think I’m just going to go in for some manual labor. You hanging out with anyone? I don’t know much of anyone close by from school (at least that I am comfortable calling) and the few people that I hung out with in high school are away at school or in the army or have little in common with me anymore. It hasn’t been a problem yet since I haven’t been talking to anyone much, but if I get an itching to be social than I’m gonna have some difficulties. =) That’s another think that would be good about starting a job, it would give me some social interaction.

Anyhow, that’s me. =) -Will

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n: reply to N on God

From:	TTU::WJH3957   "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 10-JUN-1998 23:29
To:	N
Subj:	re: god

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I didn’t read my e-mail today until now and it’s 12:20.

I’ve been thinking alot about God as of late as well. It has been cool that you and S have been doing the guidelines because it has given me stuff to think about.

I am, not surprisingly, doing my thinking alot more concretely than you are. I think that I am pretty close to an empirical definition of God that will prove its existence philosophically. That’s really only close to being a joke. I am observing a universality of values and the only basis for such an occurrence would be “something greater” aka. God. Not a God that thinks or acts or anything, just a thing that is which everything else exists in.

Anyhow, I’m jumping the gun because the theory is not really ready yet, and I have a bad habit of popping my buns out of the oven before they’re ready.

From what you are describing I think that we are seeing something close to the same thing. It is hard to tell because of the intuitive nature of your pictures, but I think that you ideas are sound.

On one of the few solid points that you did make, I do not see B. Brown as waffling on his definition of God. All of his writings fit very well within the context that I am seeing.

-Will

Play S with me for a bit if you don’t mind. Ok, you have these fuzzy intuitive ideas about God and what God is; what does it matter? Why should I care about the existence of this God? What are some of the practical ramifications? How does the existence of God affect me? you? society as a whole? Who is affected? everyone? just certain spiritual people?

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funeral

I went to a funeral service tonight for a guy who went to my high school. He graduated on friday and then on saturday he was coming home from a party and a guy ran a stop sign and hit him. The word is that the the other guy (who is 22 and was not injured) was drunk.

I did not know the boy who died, symptoms but I sang with his older brother and I was close to him. He spoke at the funeral and his description of his relationship with his brother was really moving. They had no fear towards each other and that gave him the freedom to experience and express his love, the relationship that he described was just awesome.

I went card shopping the other day and I bought a card that on the outside has the Love chapter from Corinthians and on the inside it says “My love for you is forever.” I would like to reach a point in a relationship sometime when I could unabashedly give someone that card. I am pretty sure that I have that potential within me, my biggest obstacle is getting past my fears.

I think that a slump coming about now is something that is happening to alot of people. I recognized it in myself a while back and I have heard other people describing differing forms of depression. I was coming out of it already, but the funeral helped to solidify things some; it puts things in perspective.

Take heart, there is hope. (I think.) =)

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old question

I’ve got lots to write about, but for now I am focusing on keeping my thoughts in simple little chunks so that they don’t get complex and cumbersome and collapse.

This is an old perspective and focusing question of mine. I came at it from a completely new direction and it has a set of ramifications that I never saw before; I was just wandering about in ZMM and all of a sudden I stumbled upon it and what it meant and that was really cool.

I’ll try to build up to that later, it’s really too big to do all at once.

Anyway, the question is one of simple observation: have you ever maliciously and intentionally attempted to hurt another person and had that action motivated purely out of the desire to hurt another, there was no fear involved, no anger, just the desire to hurt.

I cannot find an instance where I have done this nor have I observed anyone else doing this.

If it hold true that destructive actions are motivated solely out of fear then the ramifications of that are huge. I have been trying to find an instance that counters that, but I cannot.

Anyone got one or any other thoughts for that matter?

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cute quote from the word-a-day listserv

I thought this was neat.

Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.

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n: C++

I got me a new book yesterday. I got a copy of a Java book at McKay’s a while ago and I tried to start working in it, but it deals with object oriented programming which I haven’t had yet so though I could figure out how to do what they were doing I didn’t understand the why and it was very frustrating, so I went out and bought me a copy of C++ in 21 days (it cost me an arm and a leg cause I had to but it new I checked the used book store and got a bunch of stuff (as always))

Anyhow, I just discovered something neat. It is kinda esoteric I know so I won’t go into it much…

Nobody probably remembers, but there was a while when I was working on a program last semester when I was trying to put pointers to functions in C structures. That is the basic premise behind object oriented programming, all that a class is is a structure that includes functions.

What that means is that the solution that I came up with (and couldn’t get to work right) is the same one that the cutting edge developers come up with to expand the language (except they knew enough to know how to make it happen.)

Just thought it was cool.

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re: to I on T/F

oh, and do you think there’s any correlation between T & F axes and a preference toward dealing w/reality as either mythos or logos?

This touches on one of the important potential ramifications of the mythos/logos division.

I went to the LT weekend last semester and one of the things that they did was a short skit where they were dealing with the wall and trying to treat it as though it was a door. They let different people come up and try different methods of making the wall into a door; one woman tried to use seduction, one man used anger and intimidation, someone used reason, someone tried pity, etc. Lo and behold they never did make the wall have the properties of a door regardless of the method that they used.

The basic idea is that logos is not affected by your emotional response to it. Pick up a pen and drop it, it will probably fall. Do it again and really really want for it not to fall, my guess is that it will anyway. Do it again and feel great pangs of injustice that the pen is falling, it will still fall. The individual’s emotional response to logos is irrelevant, Feeling as a method of judgement is not suited for logos.

That is using a fairly narrow definition of Feeling. There are NF’s who just “feel” that a course of action is the correct one, though they are not aware of why. Feeling as a form of judgement can be an outlet for Intuition, and it can be based on the same level of detachment as thinking.

Really the basic concept behind properly dealing with logos is not how you come to know the judgement, but that the judgement be based on detached observation. The primary danger that Feelers have in dealing with logos is that they become attached to a certain set of ideas and are unwilling to let go of those ideas even though observation dictates otherwise. I dislike Myers and Briggs’ definitions of T and F partly because they give all detachment to people who operate with Thinking and I think that it is possible for an Intuitive to deliver detached responses through a Feeling judging function and I think that one of the main changes that Feeling goes through as it matures is the capacity to detach.

So, is Thinking the way to go to best cope with reality? Ha, not by a long shot. Detachment is the best method for dealing with logos, but it is entirely incapable of dealing with mythos. Talk about the dangers of attachment clouding perception is fairly common, but talk about the breakdown of logic is less common. You find it some in existentialist writings, where men are searching for meaning and not finding it. Also Pirsig is dealing with it in _ZMM_, he talks about our burgeoning technological society and says that it is not providing meaning for people.

Why am I sitting here rather than watching television? In short just because and no other reason. I have learned through experience that this action will bring me greater satisfaction than the other, so I am doing this. What is the basis of that satisfaction though? What is the basis of meaning? People have tried to attack this with logos tools and have been foiled because they are the wrong tools. There is no basis for value, it just is.

Thinkers oftentimes act as though the values that they act according to somehow arise out of nature directly. The arrogance that oftentimes accompanies this is something that I have had to watch and work on in myself. It is a delusion though; any logical system must be based on axioms; there comes a point where we don’t know “why” anymore we just have to say “this is just because.”

Something that M commented on to me when I was writing about this earlier was that in his search for values he came to a point where the choice was completely arbitrary, there wasn’t a reason why he chose one course over another. Such has been my experience as well.

Arrg, this is a difficult piece to write; there is so much that I am leaving out. As I go I have all these huge structures all around me and I could go into any one of them and just stay there exploring, but to do so I have to ignore all these others. It is just frustrating to be leaving so much out. I really think that I have a solid set of ideas, but I don’t see how I can explain them to anyone because they are so big. Really the only way to do it is to walk around with all of them in your head and see how everything fits into the picture.

Anyhow, I think I’ll wrap up with two major challenges to what I have said.

The first is a strange set of bed-fellows; religion and science; Jesus and theoretical physics. It is the removal of the objectivity of logos; aka. that what you believe has an effect on what you perceive or that the act of perception affects the situation. In the Bible, Jesus is quoted as saying (Matthew 17:20) “[Jesus] replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, `Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'” And then in particle physics we have the Hiesenberg Uncertainty Principle which is oftentimes quoted to demonstrate that the subject-object duality may just be an illusion (though I was reading an article in Scientific American which says that using some complex new mathematics and techniques they can get past Hiesenberg’s problems (the article was way over my head in the mathematics described, but it sounded reputable. =) )) So maybe there isn’t a logos at all except what is created, or at the very least that mythos and logos are in a relationship that makes the distinction between them false.

I kinda hope so, walking on water is on my list of things to do and if I don’t get to I will be disappointed. =) Though maybe it is not mystical at all, just common sense that we haven’t recognized yet.

I touched on the subjectivity of objectivity before and I a seeing it more clearly now, but it’ll have to wait, I’m going to bed.

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